Nightmares...

I thought it stopped. it stopped for about 3 weeks and the nightmares are back to haunt me. I just tot it was just because i was tired in korea but even after I am back i didnt stop, every sleep and nap, all thesè bad dreams breaks out and suffocates me, waking up n falling back to sleep gives me another nightmare and I couldn't break this curse no matter how happy i was feeling before i fell asleep.

I hate how most of the dreams are about him and is often very heartbreaking and scary more than just being horrifying. It leaves me feeling empty and vulnerable each time, i am lucky i didnt wake up screaming or crying this time.

I wish they would stop...

I don't want to cry anymore.

Diversions...

As much as i am left with...I just want to pull myself together to function as a person again. I started making myself do things that I stopped doing. Forcing myself to dress up, draw, smile and at breathe even though my nights are often filled with dreams that makes me break out in tears in the middle of the night till the morning.

One point. I lost weight. That may be a good or bad thing, I have decided to see it as a good one.

As much as i would loved to be preoccupied all the time in the day and shut off the pain for a bit, i am often left alone without even a shoulder to cry on. i find myself crying alone at night, for issues more than him. Ah...then i realized...it was because of him i was able to look away from my family problems and that part where my close friends are no more (since they were asking me for sex when i tell him i am suicidal). I am so tired, but...if i could be a happy person again...will someone be there for me? I dont know. I only know when i am down and needed someone, i am always left alone...

All those promises people have said have gone up in smoke, yet some unexpected people appeared to show their concern for me. As silly as it sounds, sometimes i just cant voice out my issues on my own as i feel like a burdern to people around me and i do have a selective few that i trust that i can actually say something to without the person spreading my issues into gossips or turn it into a over a dinner table topic.

I am trying to hold on for the few that are actually here for me, still trying to help me break the cycle of depression. I thank for your love and actual support for me each night i cried in pain. Thank you for being someone i can share both my smallest joy and the heaviest pain with during my sleepless nights.

For now I can't promise that I can be back to my happy and bubbly self. But at least i will keep my smile and armour; to protect myself from those who would take advantage of or hurt me when I am weak.

I will still try to not think about anything at all and I wish my nightmares would end soon...i do not want to know in this situation that i still miss/need him when he wont be there for me, yet I still wonder if he needs me too?

Drained by Monsters

I suppose some people, as they grow, they just become a monster. Does kindness and sincerity always equates to people always taking you for granted?

It's such a funny term to be referring it to myself like "Oh, I have been taken for granted" by so and so because I really hate that victimization mentality and I am very prideful so I'd rather not see myself that way. But, curiously...did I also allowed someone to step over my head and like randomly out of nowhere decide and treat me like an roach as time go on?

I do realize I always end up being that part when people think they have better opportunity to life rather than to hang out with someone with the likes of me. Simple, little goals, sincerely just living my daily life and focusing on the people around me. YEAH PEOPLE AROUND ME, in which some of them just decide that I SHOULD be something else or somewhere else. Which makes me doubt, why they even decide to share a friendship with me anyway. This thing, this friendship, every relationship and bond that I really really put my heart to cherish...seems almost like nothing to these people. 有就有，没有就没有咯...that's how they probably feel about it, when to me the bonds I have with people are the world to me.

Not MONEY, INTERNET ,nor the FUCKING PHONE, NOR THIS STUPID DAMNED JOB, NOR MY "STATUS" IN LIFE, but you my friends, who I cherish and love outside my main family. I still love my family despite being hurt and how I feel about them.

But you...

Do you even CHERISH my existence enough to want me around, or it doesn't even matter if I am valuable or not, here or not, alive or dead.

Mm....yeah....

That's what I thought.

For you.

As much as I would love everything to be a fairy tale, usually reality slaps me back right on the face.

Feeling the push itself, being pushed away...even though I try my best to me numb or ignorant to it, it hurts. The fear and insecurity is already enough to break me down inside, but I have decided to give it my all to keep smiling for you.

Don't take me wrong. I am happy.

I am happy with whatever this is now.

Loving in vain, with that thin thinnnnn shimmering thread of hope.

Just holding on to whatever this illusion is, to keep me keep me alive.

But at the same time I fear and dread that it would come to an end. I am fighting a losing battle for god's sake, but would it make a difference for us? For you? Because for me, even if is just living in that illusion...

Even for a short while, I am happy to feel that I could be yours.

Smitten...

For that 1.5++ years. I didn't thought much, merely just live by life as it goes. Que Sera Sera huh...

As much as I have little crushes and short flings here and there. I didn't dream....mmm.....just couldn't....and of course fear to find myself another to love.

Despite all that, my heart still beats, I am just only hooman.

As much as I fear...I just couldn't stop looking at him, I couldn't stop myself from getting charmed, I couldn't do anything, neither can I pull myself away...

I find myself missing him when he is not around, smiling in the most silly way whenever I see his face, out of breath....confused.....as I think about him.

That confusing, that aching yet exhilarating rush of yearning and also heartache...for someone who...may not want me, may not see me the way I see him, may not...have me. All that and yet...I couldn't hold back my feelings for him.

What should I do...?

Dawn

As the memories of him drifts further and further, I have found myself able to breathe away as the darkness draws away from my mind.

That Monster, which i once saw so much and gave so much of...just fading into that emptiness through the words of others just relieves me. I am actually glad....glad that I was able to find a source, a reason, enabling me to despise him. Despise him for all his lies, despise him for trying to pull me back, despise him for all the broken promises he made.

As low as it might sound; through all I heard about him. I AM GLAD. Even though I might still be single, I am so glad to be doing so much better than him. I am glad that he couldn't have this side of me. Glad to be able to do so much with my life for the past year because I didn't have him with me.

I no longer feel tied down with guilt to be doing better, no longer felt "abandoned", nor that feeling of worthlessness whenever I was with him.

At last.

I could breathe...

I don't know how to love anymore and i want to stop.

No more courage.

No more sense of hope.

No more me.

Everything i do or not do is viewed malice, i no longer have the any courage to do anything now. I want to vanish, i no longer want to be blamed for harming his happiness or ruining his life, i don't want to be hated anymore.

I'll step away, i'll still be here becaus u want be to stay, but i'll be away...
I'll learn to hide, i'll learn to lie, i'll learn to pretend, if what genuinely me makes up what u hate.

I would love to love you, but that's what u hate. I cant.

It hurts.

Purple hair Mamao

I put some manic panic purple hazehairdye on my finally not so fat fat awesome hair a few days ago to cover my brassy blonde for CNY. Actually not just for CNY, i've been wanting purple hair for quite a long time. it's one of my favorite hair color choice (the other is platinium blonde and peachy pink)

It has been looking awesome on me these days and makes me so relax to see purple everyday when my super long bangs covers my eyes.

The color still looks greats after a wash:

So what's your favorite hair color??

Left with P566 (after exchanging P2000 to S$54.60)

Back for about a few days into my room from pampanga and have a BIG BIG bebear with me. bigger than half a mamao.

Back to school time and PMS-ing because i miss a Mamac and no want to go back to Lasalle. Then again, half a year till graduation i guess, this sem is gonna be extra long though, so sad. But i will fly back to Pampanga once i am done with the bloody Lasalle Show.

Didn't do dat much going out this holiday since mamac is outta moolah, but with the moolah i have i still managed to go to saloon and blonde myself for the new year and go to Tagaytay on xmas to play with mamac and the Songco cousins. Didnt run around much, but we got beautiful scenery and yummy foods. i guess that's enough. Mamac was especially sweet this holiday while i am staying, dunno what's wrong with my mamac. But i hope nothing's bad is happening to him for this wierd change for the usually harsh n grumpy to this sweet and caring one. Not dat i not happy, i am actually really happy to be doted and enjoyed the affection. but i also see him moody side of him which kinda worries me. I just dote dote him too, hoping wat worries him could at least lessen with my presence. =) I do hope this laby doby mode stays though, even when he's not moody, it ish nice

Didn't get to see poypoy and johnel though, so sad. But i got see the yves though and passed him in green tea pocky. =D he seemed to love it...i not quite a big fan of green noms though.

During the trip to back from Tagaytay to Pampanga, Mamac mentioned that thinking of i ever got pregnant, is nice to have me to stay around if he seriously think about it. I thought it sounded sweet though, i would love to have a child dat looks like a mamac, but then again, i dun like the thought of an alien body growing in me. *shrugs* until i got over that thought, i guess i'll prefer much to stay childless.

heh?

Don't know what's right or wrong with him again. But i think somewhat. for today, my prayers have been answered and he is suddenly exceptionally sweet. =3

Hope it can be like dat all the time.

Don't think he had read my blog or anything yet though. Don't even think he remembers the address, hahaha. But ah wells. 2 more days. so nervous.

But at least he thought my fav dress looks smoking on me. Hehe!

I hate him, but i don't want to, then again, i don't know.

Because i love a person, my heart only remember that one good things and believing and staying...sometimes i do wonder but is that kindness representative of who the person really is?

Then i totally hate myself for thinking that way.

So confused. Don't know whether to hate him or myself, more towards myself i guess. Since i don't want to put myself in that position to hate someone i love so much at times when he acts like a jerk.

*sigh* Don't know what to think anymore.

Not that things are going that bad, but it isn't really going uphill as well.

Probably because the chase is over, he felt there's not longer a need for sweetness and that touch a flirtatiousness, well just things like that which i usually love and enjoy. More of the just want me to do nothing, shut up and i felt no longer looked at.

No hugs and kisses when i am sad, no longer always telling me that i am his. Always raising his voice instead of talking it out nicely, usually put me in the "wrong" position to take the blame. So i am constantly reminded that i am at fault. No apology for making me feel bad. I don't know, he says he feels there's nothing to feel guilty about making things right for him. But i just isn't sure anymore and it's eating me inside every time i just wipe the problem off my shoulder because he doesn't want to continue talking about it anymore, praying that one day i will wake up and everything will change. Like he will be loving towards me again for who i am, stop having prejudice over me just because his brother keeps making fun of me and said i am drama and i just want all the bad things to stop, stop saying that i am annoying or at fault for problems that sparks from things we accidentally do, stop ignoring me, stop not saying that you love me, stop mentioning about how others girls are better than me, stop asking me to change, stop saying that i am just drama and a problem, stop STOP STOP. i just want them to just stop and go away.

I know he still have feelings for me, still love me. but i don't understand why is it like that already after merely 2 years. "Numb", as how he describes it and thinks it should be.

I am still not bored of him. I never did get bored of being in love with him, still find ways to be flirty (though he hardly responds to it) or be loving (though people just laugh at me for my efforts) I want to be there for him and vice versa. just as simple as that, like every girl wishes to be. I just wanted to be treated that way, want to feel that way, loved, appreciated.

Sometimes i feel so upset, i wondered why am i sticking on with a guy that makes me feel so worthless of myself, like i am always making a fool of myself by doing anything at all. Someone who doesn't tell like to tell me, he loves me, miss me or if i look good, unless i ask him, only because i want to hear it after days of not hearing it. Sometimes, at least i wish he would say he is sorry for making me cry, he didn't mean to and that he was just trying to talk to me about something that isn't so good about the situation. Something like this. Instead, i am the only one apologizing like a fool and telling him i still love him while he just take it as it is. Is like i am the only person putting effort in this relationship, the only one who wants to love him. I thought of giving up at times, then again, i love him a lot, i feel is stupid to break up with him just because he doesn't say all those things and give me enough affection and attention.

So ya, just upset like this...i really wish the situation will  just change and be loved again. Not just for the short term, but for the long run...

Just like this.

One sincere apology,
lots of words of affection
and a finger to wipe away my tears.

3 more days to see him again...i really don't want to spoil the moment and i also dun like him spoiling it either. Cannot just be super lovey dovey until then?

Dec 7 Hair length

So this is how long my hair is now.

A lot longer and super thick now. need some trimming ah. So freaking irritating when it fluffs up in a hot day. I am thinking of rebonding and recoloring my hair again~ no likes fluffy black hair~!

3.11.13

It's our 2nd year Anniversary today.

I cried, i cried the whole of last night, i am probably all dried up inside and out of energy to continue now after crying for 2 days straight without eating or bathing. So i probably am unlovably stinky.

I want them to all go away now, everything and everyone else.

Waiting, only for him, just him. I want nothing else.

I don't want his lies nor his fake promises. All i want is to be loved and cared upon, for once, treat me like a girl, a lover and a friend. Not just go away mamao, or tell me he'll be back soon but never did.

3.11.11
i waited him all night while he went drinking with his friends. He came back near dawn, drunk as fuck. Telling me to fall for him and promises that he'll catch me if i fall.

3.11.12
he scolded me, when i was trying to make the night better so i could at least celebrate our first year together. I was so upset, but still put some effort to make peace for us, praying at least for this day. It's to celebrate our love. It ended ok, but my heart was in pieces, it was never fixed.

3.11.13
I cried all night, knowing he forgotten about me, his promise, today's date and its meaning for us, while merry making with the people around him right now.

He woke up at 9+
I scolded him <-- br="" buey="" i="" song.="" very="">He tries to joke (not funny when u say u want someone sister in your harem. it's same like telling him i want his brother n him as my reverse-harem)

Now less mad, but still not satisfied.

I hope though, that he does listened to wat i said. analyze as he always does and actually do something about it instead of pushing it off until the next time same thing happen and my heart breaks again. Hard to pick up myself when i fall, is very hard...i also will tired putting up with his shit one ma, i also human will get upset and stress one.

But i'll just be holding on since there's still something that i believe in him, i believe that he was and will still be that person i fell for.

That he'll be there to catch me whenever i fall.

"I'm just this shitty little nothing" am i?

Even though the days i been with him physically is less than a year itself, but it already made a habit of me sleeping facing to my right with my arms out; just to sleep facing him, having him enjoy being the little spoon. All the time i try to please him, be the best i can be, yet i still get insulted by his brother, saying i do not know my place and that he should dump me since i am ugly, bitchy or slutty. I enjoy watching him and hearing him talk or smile at me, but it seems he'll smile at the whole world, at anyone, except for me.

I often wonder what is wrong, did i not treat him right? Is love not enough? Do i not matter to him anymore?

I sometimes hear others say, when i love someone, i should accept his good and bad side, be there for him when he is down and maintain peace within relationship by being more giving and understanding. Did i not do enough? I wonder if i am a bad lover, for someone to be shoo or shun upon when either of us are in a bad mood. How many nights did i stay awake crying, just thinking and reflecting about how i might be hated by him.Then each rare time he said "lab" to me again, i thought i am forgiven, then it will soon go back to 'i dun want to deal with u, tell me later when u feel better".

how much i wish (i really wish that) he could just try to comfort me instead of pushing me away or ignoring me. But ack, i just feel like this shitty little nothing that deserves nothing from him. Then i considered the part that i probably deserves it because i made him frustrated since he can't do anything to deal with the cause, annoyed since i interrupted something he is doing at the moment or guilty for various reason he feels not necessary, all the more that he doesn't want to deal with it because i am this shitty little nothing that is so troublesome that i shouldn't deserve any form of love or affection given my circumstances and should solve my emotional turmoil by myself alone.

pms huh. i am always having pms huh?

i really hate when he put it that way. having period is first disgusting, i never liked the thought of  or having it and never will. I HATE STUPID 9GAG MAKING PERIOD JOKES, putting into the mind of everyone that girls when upset = period is just rude. it is sexist, insulting and extremely offensive in the worse situations. What's so funny about it? I feel like it's just a way to push the guilt of a problem back to the girls themselves, instead of accepting a problem and trying to solve it together. 9gag and all its stupid offensive jokes has been related to me thru his mouth, making me just feel like i'm this shitty little nothing that deserves to be humiliated and insulted for the sake of it because there's some truth in those jokes that reflects in me.

Every time i feel like i am in the bad side and i cant climb out of it. When his brother insults me (for fun or so he says) and i get hurt, it's my fault that i can't deal with this fun and there's nothing i can do about it. Each time i feel upset over something, it's my fault because i am probably the one who caused it and i should deal with the after effects myself. When i have problems at home here, it doesn't affect anyone except me, so i should deal with it myself. i am not allowed to interrupt a good game play, whether i am playing it or not and i probably should quit playing because I SUCK and am such a NOOB. No matter how much i played and improved on my own trying to catch up and play at a "same level" as anyone, i am still being called that and it hurts. If i were to kill myself, he'll just be sad, it's wrong to stop me because its my decision to do so.

i wonder, if i were to go missing one day all of a sudden, would he ever thought of going looking for me, or would he just leave me be because it is troublesome to do so and he have other priorities? I never asked him this, i am scared of hearing the answer to this situation.

Each time i ask if i am important, he'll reply that i am. Yet i do not feel so and this makes him upset, because i am like not appreciative. But it's not like i have no reason to feel so, i am not longer given much affection and attention, more often ignored than not. He always seem to want me to be doing something else or asleep while i am trying to engage with him, i wonder if he wishes for me to just go away and don't bother or step into his life at all. When i try to dress up and have fun with me, it's always a rejection and he'll go to bed soon after that, leaving me hanging alone, after all the courage i put up just to look beautiful and confident. One rejection, followed by being ignored, i feel like a wake up call to me. Reminding me of how ugly i am...and how a pitiful attempt i am making to beg for his attention like that.

I am so ugly and pitiful.

I know i am not beautiful, nor have the prettiest heart, neither am i good in doing anything in particular, can't cook, eat properly and have no table manners, i can't even hold my liquor well and make embarrassment in public. I wonder what am i to him really, what do i mean in his life. Am i just there for him because he has the lack of choice for a lover? Did i think too highly of myself, that i am the only one in his heart and he'll only love and care of me? If so, why do i feel loveless from him?

Am i wrong to think like that? That he doesn't care for me or something along that line? Or am i wrong to think that because i am his lover i should be prioritized in his life?

Am i arrogant? Did i just get too arrogant just because of a few times he said that "mamao is pretty/cute", just to make me feel good about it. Am i arrogant to think i am in a high place in his heart to deserve the most love and treated right by him though he is not oblige to give me or please me, since it's only me that think that he'll give me happiness. eventually. "He's still not mature enough to consider or deal some things," that's what i tell myself every time i couldn't get his affection, or am i just blaming him. Most of the time i would just blame myself, telling myself that i probably want too much from him, it's things he can't give me.

I can't have a hug, or a kiss, or any words of comfort.

cannot mamao.

no mamao no.

no.

September 4, Hair length report.

It is now longer than my eyes area. I am thinking i should trim my bangs a lil, it's starting to get thick what do u think?? How's the growth rate of my hair??

Is half a month past the hair disaster.

My hair growing longer and longer. i got to another saloon to have a trim and my hair looks so much better now as it grows out.

Sure my face looks as round as ever, but it's improving everyday. ribbon works well in covering anything eeky, i am kinda falling in love with clipping ribbons on my hair. I ish make chant spell everyday for hair to grow faster, i think it works.

Stretch it

twist it

make it grow

like a river 

let it flow

three times fast shall it hair grow

this is my will

so mote it be.

=)

Trying to make the best out of bad situation...

Since my hair is beyond repairable for now, i guess i just have to do something to make me feel good i guess? putting on makeup doesnt seem to make me look any better, so saddening, so eh....i just went to tie my hair in a way i think makes me look good.

I apologize for no makeup and my naturally dead looking face. So how does it look, u can see some black parts there, my hair's been growing out from the brown part i dyed around christmas 2012. Thus, why my hair gets rounder when it's shorter, since there's no long hair weight to pull the hair all straight down anymore.

i wonder how long it has grown though and how fast it will grow...it's not a lot i think, but i hope it will grow faster with all the treatments/massaging i've been doing to my head. u may think i bimbo la, worry so much about it. Have u heard dat hair is girl's life. it is important to me, splitends or not. hope i can get it to a length it so long by dec, dat after i rebond it, i'll never have to worry about it again. but i doubt la. probably need wait until next year to do the rebonding. So eh....have to wait and always tie my hair when i go out i guess.

So sad. ="<

Bad haircut days.

So i had a bad haircut at a saloon that turned my hip length hair into this:

  
i refuse to live with this. wat fashion?!! it looks so stupid.

So i got soooooo frustrated they turned my into this thick thing, telling me this is supposingly the now "in" thing. Do you think i care about that?? I WANT HAIR!! I told the freakin lady to trim my hair to get rid of the split ends and i intend for it to grow to knee length, not change my hairstyle with like 6 inches off! And so the haircut has also cut away my ego and confidence. (i was very proud of my long hair before i cut it though it has many spliends) So shit, what have been done is done, i am never going back to a saloon to get my hair cut ever again.

I had to fix my hairstyle back at home. at first under frustration, i kinda ruined it and i am force to fixed, so now it ended up something like this.

Well this is the best i can fixed it, as u can see it got shorter thus my hair is starting to bob up thanks to the shortness of it and i hate it. the side bangs have became too short. Mac said i look boyish now which make me even sadder. i hope my hair grows faster, i am trying out all hair growing techniques online to get my hair to grow faster, i hope i'll look back to normal by the end of the year to look like this again...



wish my luck man....eesh it looks like mushroom even then. but ehhh....anything better than it looks like now.
I shall try take photo like every 1-2 month to observe my hair growth....pray man....prayyyyy

Nervous...

Ish going to see my mamac soon in like 36 hours time. I feel so nervous, my heart's racing and i can't sleep. Thinking back the past few months hasn't been great for us is one factor why i'm getting so nervous, the other  reason is because i hate to come to him, them leaving like dat early in the morning again. that thought and memories of the last time at the airport had really really freaked me out. Now i have airport phobias. I scared to cry in public.

Mac house today no electricity, no internet. it has been days since i last heard his voice. So i'm kinda at the jittery panicky mode without him being by my side reassuring me. He should be sleeping now, i miss him a lot. well. just have to hold on a bit more then i can sleep in peace. I wanna tell him so much i wanna be with him and scared to leave him. ="< yeah it sounds stupid, being scared of airport just because i cried at the airports before. hate crying alone la!

just a bit more and i'll see him again. Hope it be great and loving this time!

Missing and missing him and i wonder if he gets bored of listening to me saying how much i miss him.

As the post title says.

Seriously, i am wondering if guys get tired of listening to girls saying that they miss him over and over again. Do they find it sweet? Boring? Or just plain annoying? 

I've heard that a thousand times girl. I KNOWWWWW that you miss me, well can you stop saying it already? Eh, something like that.

Nonono, Mac didn't actually said that. I am just wondering plainly out of curiosity because Mac always says is boring to keep saying or listening to something over and over again. LABBB!! Ish true i miss him, but when i say it too often, does the meaning get lost?

I know this LDR will last for quite a few years, I don't really like it like that but what other choices do we have. Is always missing here missing there, then cry cry, then see mac, leave mac, then cry cry. I think far ahead sometimes, that's the only thing i can look forward and be happy about our love. I didn't plan to be together with this guy just to end up in a break up you know? Took me much courage and the trust between us to come to this day, i am not going to let it go away, easily or not so easily, I am NEVER going to let him go. I have much confidence we'll end up together even in the graves. But at least, before whatever officially happens, we're able to get closer and closer before then. Seeing someone on skype isn't as same as holding the person in your arms you know? Technology may have distorted the meaning of that "he's here with you", but in reality, there's nothing and you know better than that.  I envy couples around me that can meet each other as and when they like, yet still quarrel all the time. Well, not envying the quarreling time of course, just the gift that they can just touch their partner as and when, is such a big thing to me while small thing to them. Sometimes i go out, i see couples quarreling in public about things that actually shouldn't matter to them now; Ex-gf/bf, time going out, money spent on dates, talking with friends, guy play to much games, girl too materialistic, bf/gf's friends/family sucks etc etc. What the hell?

I learned from this relationship, how precious it is, that feeling to just look at him right in front of you, feel his warmth from the skin, his scent through your nose, his voice not distorted by the network/speaker. It feels so magical and blissful just to have something as simple as that. No need for fancy dates or any special events. It's nice to have some surprises, it makes time even more memorable and special together, but i am good with just snuggling with him and sleep while he plays his NBA while ignoring me. Just something simple knowing he IS PHYSICALLY HERE with me, I am happy already.

- Enters crybaby mode -

I really miss him you know?

Just need that little hug from this only 1 person. I have not touched him for 25 days already...i cried the last time he hugged me, he bought me candy to aid in the motion sickness during the flight, i still have some of it since i cried myself to sleep when the plane took off. I woke up reaching a land so "foreign" to me and he is no longer here with me. I have no choice to accept reality, you cannot expect me to just drop there and cry wanting to fly back to him asap, forgoing everything and stay with him forever without any consequences right? It was the most painful day i felt since i been with him. I didn't cry because we quarrel, instead, is because i need him. I am so scared of the separation with him, i fear so much to be away from him not knowing when i will see him next and if he'll be fine the next time i see him. I cry and cry all the time, i felt so bad for making him worried as well, but i can't help it. Sometimes i just try hard and be swept away by his cheerfulness or act cheery to cheer myself up, sometimes when it can't happen i end up crying again.

I just to wait a little more i guess. Wait for mac to get stable with his life, wait for me to pick up basic tagalog, wait till i earn a little more...well that goal is actually not too hard since i can save up money easily. Just about a year more, mac maybe graduate then. It be good if he can work here in Singapore with me, we can rent a small apartment or single room together. But i wouldn't hope too much on that, since i know Mac loves Philippines a lot, probably won't leave. I would love to work in Philippines as well, if i were to live there. Still, need to pick up language in case somebody disturb me and for communication purposes.

Am i thinking a little too far for Mac? I worry i might scare him away instead of him feeling sweet about it.

I really want to know how he feels, but is so difficult to guess. Mac plays riddles, i usually dunno wat the hell he is thinking most of the time. I can only anticipate his habits and behaviors  but i hope i am doing more good than harm for him. He not baby, i shouldn't worry.

Maybe i am just worried for myself because i selfish and spoiled by him, want to have him all the time.

Hmm...