Diversions...

As much as i am left with...I just want to pull myself together to function as a person again. I started making myself do things that I stopped doing. Forcing myself to dress up, draw, smile and at breathe even though my nights are often filled with dreams that makes me break out in tears in the middle of the night till the morning.

One point. I lost weight. That may be a good or bad thing, I have decided to see it as a good one.

As much as i would loved to be preoccupied all the time in the day and shut off the pain for a bit, i am often left alone without even a shoulder to cry on. i find myself crying alone at night, for issues more than him. Ah...then i realized...it was because of him i was able to look away from my family problems and that part where my close friends are no more (since they were asking me for sex when i tell him i am suicidal). I am so tired, but...if i could be a happy person again...will someone be there for me? I dont know. I only know when i am down and needed someone, i am always left alone...

All those promises people have said have gone up in smoke, yet some unexpected people appeared to show their concern for me. As silly as it sounds, sometimes i just cant voice out my issues on my own as i feel like a burdern to people around me and i do have a selective few that i trust that i can actually say something to without the person spreading my issues into gossips or turn it into a over a dinner table topic.

I am trying to hold on for the few that are actually here for me, still trying to help me break the cycle of depression. I thank for your love and actual support for me each night i cried in pain. Thank you for being someone i can share both my smallest joy and the heaviest pain with during my sleepless nights.

For now I can't promise that I can be back to my happy and bubbly self. But at least i will keep my smile and armour; to protect myself from those who would take advantage of or hurt me when I am weak.

I will still try to not think about anything at all and I wish my nightmares would end soon...i do not want to know in this situation that i still miss/need him when he wont be there for me, yet I still wonder if he needs me too?