"I'm just this shitty little nothing" am i?

Even though the days i been with him physically is less than a year itself, but it already made a habit of me sleeping facing to my right with my arms out; just to sleep facing him, having him enjoy being the little spoon. All the time i try to please him, be the best i can be, yet i still get insulted by his brother, saying i do not know my place and that he should dump me since i am ugly, bitchy or slutty. I enjoy watching him and hearing him talk or smile at me, but it seems he'll smile at the whole world, at anyone, except for me.

I often wonder what is wrong, did i not treat him right? Is love not enough? Do i not matter to him anymore?

I sometimes hear others say, when i love someone, i should accept his good and bad side, be there for him when he is down and maintain peace within relationship by being more giving and understanding. Did i not do enough? I wonder if i am a bad lover, for someone to be shoo or shun upon when either of us are in a bad mood. How many nights did i stay awake crying, just thinking and reflecting about how i might be hated by him.Then each rare time he said "lab" to me again, i thought i am forgiven, then it will soon go back to 'i dun want to deal with u, tell me later when u feel better".

how much i wish (i really wish that) he could just try to comfort me instead of pushing me away or ignoring me. But ack, i just feel like this shitty little nothing that deserves nothing from him. Then i considered the part that i probably deserves it because i made him frustrated since he can't do anything to deal with the cause, annoyed since i interrupted something he is doing at the moment or guilty for various reason he feels not necessary, all the more that he doesn't want to deal with it because i am this shitty little nothing that is so troublesome that i shouldn't deserve any form of love or affection given my circumstances and should solve my emotional turmoil by myself alone.

pms huh. i am always having pms huh?

i really hate when he put it that way. having period is first disgusting, i never liked the thought of  or having it and never will. I HATE STUPID 9GAG MAKING PERIOD JOKES, putting into the mind of everyone that girls when upset = period is just rude. it is sexist, insulting and extremely offensive in the worse situations. What's so funny about it? I feel like it's just a way to push the guilt of a problem back to the girls themselves, instead of accepting a problem and trying to solve it together. 9gag and all its stupid offensive jokes has been related to me thru his mouth, making me just feel like i'm this shitty little nothing that deserves to be humiliated and insulted for the sake of it because there's some truth in those jokes that reflects in me.

Every time i feel like i am in the bad side and i cant climb out of it. When his brother insults me (for fun or so he says) and i get hurt, it's my fault that i can't deal with this fun and there's nothing i can do about it. Each time i feel upset over something, it's my fault because i am probably the one who caused it and i should deal with the after effects myself. When i have problems at home here, it doesn't affect anyone except me, so i should deal with it myself. i am not allowed to interrupt a good game play, whether i am playing it or not and i probably should quit playing because I SUCK and am such a NOOB. No matter how much i played and improved on my own trying to catch up and play at a "same level" as anyone, i am still being called that and it hurts. If i were to kill myself, he'll just be sad, it's wrong to stop me because its my decision to do so.

i wonder, if i were to go missing one day all of a sudden, would he ever thought of going looking for me, or would he just leave me be because it is troublesome to do so and he have other priorities? I never asked him this, i am scared of hearing the answer to this situation.

Each time i ask if i am important, he'll reply that i am. Yet i do not feel so and this makes him upset, because i am like not appreciative. But it's not like i have no reason to feel so, i am not longer given much affection and attention, more often ignored than not. He always seem to want me to be doing something else or asleep while i am trying to engage with him, i wonder if he wishes for me to just go away and don't bother or step into his life at all. When i try to dress up and have fun with me, it's always a rejection and he'll go to bed soon after that, leaving me hanging alone, after all the courage i put up just to look beautiful and confident. One rejection, followed by being ignored, i feel like a wake up call to me. Reminding me of how ugly i am...and how a pitiful attempt i am making to beg for his attention like that.

I am so ugly and pitiful.

I know i am not beautiful, nor have the prettiest heart, neither am i good in doing anything in particular, can't cook, eat properly and have no table manners, i can't even hold my liquor well and make embarrassment in public. I wonder what am i to him really, what do i mean in his life. Am i just there for him because he has the lack of choice for a lover? Did i think too highly of myself, that i am the only one in his heart and he'll only love and care of me? If so, why do i feel loveless from him?

Am i wrong to think like that? That he doesn't care for me or something along that line? Or am i wrong to think that because i am his lover i should be prioritized in his life?

Am i arrogant? Did i just get too arrogant just because of a few times he said that "mamao is pretty/cute", just to make me feel good about it. Am i arrogant to think i am in a high place in his heart to deserve the most love and treated right by him though he is not oblige to give me or please me, since it's only me that think that he'll give me happiness. eventually. "He's still not mature enough to consider or deal some things," that's what i tell myself every time i couldn't get his affection, or am i just blaming him. Most of the time i would just blame myself, telling myself that i probably want too much from him, it's things he can't give me.

I can't have a hug, or a kiss, or any words of comfort.

cannot mamao.

no mamao no.

no.