Little bit Selfishness, Narrow-minded Kitty.

NO WANT NO WANT NO WANTTTT!! NO WANT MYSELF BEING SUCH PETTY MAO, NO WANT THESE EEKY DOUBTS AND THOUGHTS THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO MEAN ABOUT MYSELF AND HOW IT IS SEEMINGLY TREATING THE BOND BETWEEN ME AND MAC!! D=<

I really really really want him, i want him so much dat i worry. I worry so much, so much about the bad things dat might happen more than the good ones. I think so much of them they become so scary and gains dominance of my emotional stability. It is so biggggggg in its influence i already lost all interests in working (i day dream most of the time or just work brainlessly) and wat i do (walk in mid of street. lose tots, almost get hit by lorry/truck). Day in and day out, i keep thinking all about him and wanting to be near him.

Then again it makes me think.

If i be near him, he be bored of me soon? Get too used to me soon? Getting to take me for granted soon??

But when i am not near him, i fear he be approach by girls when he is alone. Fear he gets tired of the boredom and our distance or get too hungry for love. Fear he feels unloved because how much i am unable give him thanks to the sea dat separates us apart.

*sigh*

HMMMMM wat if i with him all the time? Will he get sick and tired of my "i love u"? Will he get fed up with my mood swings? Will he be disgusted by the eeky thoughts i have from time to time? Will he leave me alone after he have enough of me??

But i no want him near any girls, no want him be feeling he is away from me either. I want him to take care of me while i devote myself to him and only him. I know about the i shouldn't give him 100% of me thingy, BUT I DON'T CARE. I am a girl in the end, i should be allow to express my love as and when and to whom i choose it to be.

NO want people like A.G to be pretty in his eyes, for i know i can never be as eye catching as she is. (I jelly at anything and girls he mentioned) I want to do anything to keep him; cut my bangs, wear lil dresses, put cute makeup and pinch my cheeks to get his every EVERY attention. It kills me at times, when i have to smile and try and convince myself that i am not affected by some things like his past or things people tell me when all i want i simply just to love him and forgo everything else, while expected the same. I know is a selfish thought and things like dat would only make situation worse but wat else can i do?

i boring, not good looking, lack of charisma, lack of self esteem, lack of security, lack of sparkles self. This is dat much i can do but it seems to be never enough for me to suppress my own fears of losing him.

NO WANT, i no want be like this. It feels like such a sin to be harboring these intense feeling of wanting him even if it takes tearing my world apart.

I feel so scheming, like a over obsessive, possessive bad girl ="< and i don't wanna appear like a scary monster in front of him. He is so precious and means so much, SO MUCH to me.

Can i? Do i really deserve him and his love? >.<

I really want him so much so much, sigh, why do i think like dat =_="

I envy so much dat others can be together as they want, though i know the thing i have with my mac is a lot stronger and special than what they have, but still...wat is this uneasy feeling dat lingers in me?

 

BLEHHHH I AM SO BLOODY CHILDISH.