It hurts.

I question myself about the pain stored in my heart, it's always there until my tears flow dry, then it starts building up again. What's actually choking inside? Happiness, Frustrations, Sadness or just a little fear? What if i get it go? Will it break? Will it crack? Will it still stay intact?

Money issues

This morning i woke, 1st thing about my mom trying to borrow another 500S$ from me. She had already borrowed 900 from me, resulting me not having the ability to change or fix this faulty com. Dat 500 would mean i wun be able to pay for the trip to the Philippines at the end of the year. So i didn't.

I have no job now, no money. People don't understand i saved up to 1k by earning only about 100S$ per month and saving half the amount per month. All they say is i'm being stingy like this. If i am dat stingy, i wouldn't have spared dat 900 out in the 1st place which will probably never be returned to me.

I was PROMISED the money to be returned the next month they borrowed. I have seen nothing yet, no talk about returning, no apology, no nothing cept trying to ask for more, like as if i am laying golden eggs. Even if i do, it's eggs i am laying, not golden poop which i wish i can do dat everyday.

They dunno how much it means to me. Not the money, but wat i spend it on.

I don't go shopping, I am constantly wearing old clothes or hand down clothes. I only shop for a jacket maybe once a year.

I don't eat meals outside. I am so scared to spend on something a minimal as this. Just so dat i can get money fast.

I spent money on a new printer, printings and a graphic tablet. Which are necessities i spent days pondering whether to buy or not.

Just lately, i actually bought myself dinner outside. But i felt so bad about it myself. Why did i spend on something so useless which i can wait for another 3, 4 hours to eat?

I was told dat it be better if i dun work while i am schooling. Is that possible?

Honestly telling all of you, I have more than 3k a few months ago. I WAS ABLE TO HAVE LUNCH EVERY. For once i thought i don't have to go through the hungry only FUCKING DINNER everyday and cursing each time i go to the craft store to get materials or print something for school work.

You "borrow" money without even wondering how the hell i did to save up when i can spend it on new sparkly dresses, a new laptop or go clubbing with people or just fucking head to a cinema to watch a simple movie.

All you do is smile and say, "I will return it soon." while i still survive on 50 bucks every month.

Crazy? No.

I wish you would try it as well, just for a single month. Then tell me how it feels.

Sometimes...

Sometimes i wish i am not a girl, at least i don't feel dat cold when he's not around.

Sometimes i feel scared...frightened...alone, I sit in a place where everything stops to a standstill and i wonder if it will stay like this.

Sometimes, my concerns seems to unnecessary, sometimes a little more when it seems it's not my concerns that are..It's just me being the one more than unnecessary.

Sometimes, i look up to this sky with no stars when i wonder why is mine so far.

Sometimes I miss him so much, it hurts. It just isn't the same when i can feel his warmth and breath, and when i can't.

Sometimes it hurts so much, i can't say anything. I feel once i do, it'll just be another more than unnecessary thing or feelings i can't help but have. Which just makes me feel like an unnecessary person in the 1st place.

Sometimes I feel if i am chucked aside like an unnecessary object in the first place i will be forgotten, then i try so hard to make myself work, but sometimes i feel dat i'm just being an annoyance.

Sometimes i stay silent. Maybe that's the best way to keep me at bay...to just stop trying to do anything...maybe some time after, he'll just turn to look at me.

Sometimes i wonder if I'm a life, a hobby or a task, I am stupid so i can never figure it out.

Sometimes I was the only beautiful one, sometimes the most beautiful one, while other times not the only one.

Sometimes, whenever and whatevers are not real.

Sometimes he lets me doubt and worry, yet i must not interfere with it. Because sometimes he doesn't know how insecure i am and it seems i am the one dealing with it, since he say so (i believed in it). Sometimes i must deal with it on my own since it's my own problem, though i was told it's not some fairytale time ago.
 
Sometimes people make fun of the ring i wear, about how simple it look and how cheap it is, but i never took it off. No one knows how precious it is to me, sometimes it hurts when they insult it.

Sometimes i take things a little literally, i hate having a good memory and remembering things that was once happy and now not. Promises and broken ones, flash backs and Déjà vu. Sometimes, i am not allowed to speak about it. Most of them, sometimes, are his voice, which i wish it could be in a happy tone all the time.
 
Sometimes, i know. Sometimes i don't. Sometimes i just pretend to be blind and deaf. While other times, a little confused.

Sometimes...

I wish i am not a girl at all, at least dat girly side of me, i wish it's totally gone.

At least like dat, i might understand him more. At least like dat, i can be less of a nonsense.

Maybe like dat, he'll love me more.

I remember, i fell in love with mac...

Today i woke up a bit early today and did a bit of my school work. Obviously i still haven't finished it yet, though i didn't get side track.  Got a lot of shit to do and have to take care of kids like the awesome big sis i am. It rendered me really really tired and shits, the DRM ppl are still there to disturb me and trying to make life difficult for me.

Then again, i looked at the calender and noticed October is coming soon. And so will November then December. Where i will meet mac again like how i did on dat last 30th May.

I thought about how i used to sit in front of the computer and chat with mac while we used to say "I wish...i was there with u" a million times before we sign out and head to bed, until one day that we realize that it soon becomes unbearably painful to know we are miles apart away from each other. I tried to take my stand, so afraid to be hurt when both of us will fall together with no safety net. I refuse him, i tried at least, again and again, again and again. Little did i know, each day i watch him like dat; i somehow like The Fool on the tarot cards, feel over the cliff and feel into an endless depth.

But he knows.

"I'll catch you when you fall, don't hold back."

I remember, it was the most scariest decision. I don't know him that well, he lives far, we may not be able to meet each other while all i know is that it is too late i already fell so deep for him and probably under his magic spell, cursed or blessed, i was not sure, but i went with my gut and went for it.

Mac was drunk that night, he cried. He cried because i used every bit of my energy to hold myself back from him even though we both had already expressed the feelings we had for each other. I remember the last thing he shouted was "I'll catch you when you fall, you don't have to worry about anything. Please, don't hold back!" then dozed off. I don't think he was even thinking about how he is going to catch me when i fall or if i get hurt. He was prolly just too drunk and really went with his guts and pushed it.

I gave in.

I don't know what happened. That single moment i let my guard now, i was instantly sucked into that endless abyss of his love.

That's how i landed myself here today, love and loved. No regrets.

Though Mac said i was overbearing just nao and how many girls he met in game... i was a lil saddened, but i guess it's ok.