For you.

As much as I would love everything to be a fairy tale, usually reality slaps me back right on the face.

Feeling the push itself, being pushed away...even though I try my best to me numb or ignorant to it, it hurts. The fear and insecurity is already enough to break me down inside, but I have decided to give it my all to keep smiling for you.

Don't take me wrong. I am happy.

I am happy with whatever this is now.

Loving in vain, with that thin thinnnnn shimmering thread of hope.

Just holding on to whatever this illusion is, to keep me keep me alive.

But at the same time I fear and dread that it would come to an end. I am fighting a losing battle for god's sake, but would it make a difference for us? For you? Because for me, even if is just living in that illusion...

Even for a short while, I am happy to feel that I could be yours.

Smitten...

For that 1.5++ years. I didn't thought much, merely just live by life as it goes. Que Sera Sera huh...

As much as I have little crushes and short flings here and there. I didn't dream....mmm.....just couldn't....and of course fear to find myself another to love.

Despite all that, my heart still beats, I am just only hooman.

As much as I fear...I just couldn't stop looking at him, I couldn't stop myself from getting charmed, I couldn't do anything, neither can I pull myself away...

I find myself missing him when he is not around, smiling in the most silly way whenever I see his face, out of breath....confused.....as I think about him.

That confusing, that aching yet exhilarating rush of yearning and also heartache...for someone who...may not want me, may not see me the way I see him, may not...have me. All that and yet...I couldn't hold back my feelings for him.

What should I do...?

Dawn

As the memories of him drifts further and further, I have found myself able to breathe away as the darkness draws away from my mind.

That Monster, which i once saw so much and gave so much of...just fading into that emptiness through the words of others just relieves me. I am actually glad....glad that I was able to find a source, a reason, enabling me to despise him. Despise him for all his lies, despise him for trying to pull me back, despise him for all the broken promises he made.

As low as it might sound; through all I heard about him. I AM GLAD. Even though I might still be single, I am so glad to be doing so much better than him. I am glad that he couldn't have this side of me. Glad to be able to do so much with my life for the past year because I didn't have him with me.

I no longer feel tied down with guilt to be doing better, no longer felt "abandoned", nor that feeling of worthlessness whenever I was with him.

At last.

I could breathe...

I don't know how to love anymore and i want to stop.

No more courage.

No more sense of hope.

No more me.

Everything i do or not do is viewed malice, i no longer have the any courage to do anything now. I want to vanish, i no longer want to be blamed for harming his happiness or ruining his life, i don't want to be hated anymore.

I'll step away, i'll still be here becaus u want be to stay, but i'll be away...
I'll learn to hide, i'll learn to lie, i'll learn to pretend, if what genuinely me makes up what u hate.

I would love to love you, but that's what u hate. I cant.

It hurts.