Kitty Loves Mango Pudding and YOU knows it!

I dunno if should be writing a journal now, since mac will read it when he gets his computer back. But i need an outlet and i have basically no one i can talk to at this moment. Times like these when i am crying, i also wish i could unleash all my drama on someone. At least i got someone to vent to, or maybe get a lil comfort hug virtually or not.

I hate typing this: ="<
I hate it a lot. because normally i dun like to show ppl my weak side, but i find dat's the only stupid way ppl can know dat i am actually and seriously, already, sad. I hate it not because of dat really, more like i hate it because from other people's point of view i am just typing dat for the sake of typing dat, dat i feel nothing and am only trying to get people's attention. Maybe i shouldnt do dat anymore, no let anyone know how i feel anymore. I just make myself feel more, dat i dun matter to anyone and no one will spare concern for me. I talk to my friends, they'll just pick up watever i say, until something happens only a few mins later and tell me to "tc". What is tc anyways? Take care? how will it help? Take care of wat? Wat i need is just u, sincerely showing ur concern n love for me. Well, u probably don't care anyways and am just here because i can make beautiful pictures and is awesome to have friends with an awesome talent.

I keep stepping down each time someone has a problem and stop whatever fuck dat takes too much attention from me when i talk to someone. I always thought when someone is upset, it be good to have someone near because when i am upset dat's what i need most but i could hardly get any. I sit down, i listen to their drama, i let them hit me if they need to. I never really complained, i just want you to smile again. Simple. But when the situation turns around, i find myself crying alone and my tears won't stop. I can't sleep even if i want to, i can't do anything since my brain has already been preoccupied with the stress pushing down on me without anyway to get it out. I have no one to cry to, no alcohol to spam, no warmth around this fucking apartment i can get on hold to. I can't even fucking scream, since people are asleep or have their business around here and i don't wanna disturb anyone.

Will u listen to me? Can i talk? Can i cry?

Why am i crying?

I just wanted someone with me and i am alone.

Why do i need someone with me, i don't need to be alone. There is always friends there for you.

Where?

Where...i wonder. It's ok, maybe they will appear when they want to.

Fuck i can't even have a conversation with myself. Seriously though, i don't think anyone cares.

Why am i thinking like dat anyways?

What am i thinking, why am i thinking, i don't know. or maybe i know. i just don't wanna say because i am a pathetic loner like this and i do deserved to be scolded by mac because i so deserve it for disturbing him when he is pissed off and need his alone time and i have nothing better to do than to want to be with him and when i can't i just feel even more suppressed and i feel i cannot be with him because i am annoying like dat and i can do nothing about it. ok maybe i should just shut the fuck up and tell myself i dun need him, maybe i may randomly and magically have that thought eventually and don't feel dat upset? Wat if i can't? should i just keep lying to myself so i can at least feel dat it's my duty to just step away even if i feel the need for him? What do i need? Do i need him or just someone anyone's attention? Everyday, i sit here doing my things while thinking about mac, wat mac is doing, wat we gonna chat today, i wanna show him wat i did. Maybe he'll be proud of me. Is mac upset? Can i hug him and tell him is ok? Mac laptop is spoiled, should i get a new one for him? Is he still sick, is his back ok? Can i do anything about it? Can i call him? Is he sleeping? I shouldn't wake him up, but i miss him. Is he going to tell me to call back in the morning and let him sleep? Should i tell him i am crying? Can he know? Should he know? Maybe he shouldn't mustn't, he might think i am blaming him and saying he's making me stay up and no have mood to eat in a bad way. Am i annoying, do i ask too much of him? am i emotionally straining as he says? Am i not good enough for him? Am i a burden? He says i am not but am becoming one. how? What should i do? should i smack myself in the wall and stop crying and tell myself dat i am a stupid person and why am i so stupid and keep feeling sorry and pathetic for myself.

I am so stupid.

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

Why did i even let it escalate anyways. How did it escalate.

I have nothing to be upset about right?
RIGHT? RIGHT?!!

FUCKKKKKK U STUPID GIRL, WHY IS THERE NO END AT ALL TO UR STUPIDNESS!! I HATE YOU!!