I dunno if should be writing a journal now, since mac will read it when he gets his computer back. But i need an outlet and i have basically no one i can talk to at this moment. Times like these when i am crying, i also wish i could unleash all my drama on someone. At least i got someone to vent to, or maybe get a lil comfort hug virtually or not.

I hate typing this: ="<
I hate it a lot. because normally i dun like to show ppl my weak side, but i find dat's the only stupid way ppl can know dat i am actually and seriously, already, sad. I hate it not because of dat really, more like i hate it because from other people's point of view i am just typing dat for the sake of typing dat, dat i feel nothing and am only trying to get people's attention. Maybe i shouldnt do dat anymore, no let anyone know how i feel anymore. I just make myself feel more, dat i dun matter to anyone and no one will spare concern for me. I talk to my friends, they'll just pick up watever i say, until something happens only a few mins later and tell me to "tc". What is tc anyways? Take care? how will it help? Take care of wat? Wat i need is just u, sincerely showing ur concern n love for me. Well, u probably don't care anyways and am just here because i can make beautiful pictures and is awesome to have friends with an awesome talent.

I keep stepping down each time someone has a problem and stop whatever fuck dat takes too much attention from me when i talk to someone. I always thought when someone is upset, it be good to have someone near because when i am upset dat's what i need most but i could hardly get any. I sit down, i listen to their drama, i let them hit me if they need to. I never really complained, i just want you to smile again. Simple. But when the situation turns around, i find myself crying alone and my tears won't stop. I can't sleep even if i want to, i can't do anything since my brain has already been preoccupied with the stress pushing down on me without anyway to get it out. I have no one to cry to, no alcohol to spam, no warmth around this fucking apartment i can get on hold to. I can't even fucking scream, since people are asleep or have their business around here and i don't wanna disturb anyone.

Will u listen to me? Can i talk? Can i cry?

Why am i crying?

I just wanted someone with me and i am alone.

Why do i need someone with me, i don't need to be alone. There is always friends there for you.

Where?

Where...i wonder. It's ok, maybe they will appear when they want to.

Fuck i can't even have a conversation with myself. Seriously though, i don't think anyone cares.

Why am i thinking like dat anyways?

What am i thinking, why am i thinking, i don't know. or maybe i know. i just don't wanna say because i am a pathetic loner like this and i do deserved to be scolded by mac because i so deserve it for disturbing him when he is pissed off and need his alone time and i have nothing better to do than to want to be with him and when i can't i just feel even more suppressed and i feel i cannot be with him because i am annoying like dat and i can do nothing about it. ok maybe i should just shut the fuck up and tell myself i dun need him, maybe i may randomly and magically have that thought eventually and don't feel dat upset? Wat if i can't? should i just keep lying to myself so i can at least feel dat it's my duty to just step away even if i feel the need for him? What do i need? Do i need him or just someone anyone's attention? Everyday, i sit here doing my things while thinking about mac, wat mac is doing, wat we gonna chat today, i wanna show him wat i did. Maybe he'll be proud of me. Is mac upset? Can i hug him and tell him is ok? Mac laptop is spoiled, should i get a new one for him? Is he still sick, is his back ok? Can i do anything about it? Can i call him? Is he sleeping? I shouldn't wake him up, but i miss him. Is he going to tell me to call back in the morning and let him sleep? Should i tell him i am crying? Can he know? Should he know? Maybe he shouldn't mustn't, he might think i am blaming him and saying he's making me stay up and no have mood to eat in a bad way. Am i annoying, do i ask too much of him? am i emotionally straining as he says? Am i not good enough for him? Am i a burden? He says i am not but am becoming one. how? What should i do? should i smack myself in the wall and stop crying and tell myself dat i am a stupid person and why am i so stupid and keep feeling sorry and pathetic for myself.

I am so stupid.

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

Why did i even let it escalate anyways. How did it escalate.

I have nothing to be upset about right?
RIGHT? RIGHT?!!

FUCKKKKKK U STUPID GIRL, WHY IS THERE NO END AT ALL TO UR STUPIDNESS!! I HATE YOU!!

Tarot cards reading of the day~

i explained it to mac, this is wat i said:

tarot cards tell kitty dat i now making myself better to fit you and when i improve i will value us more, then tell me dat i should trust the wise man in my environment though it might feel like a risk...which i dunno who, prolly tito johnel. LOL, then it tell me revaluate wat i have been through and gain wisdom from recent experience and it will lead to new ambitions and inspiring vision of greater potential...wat potiential i dunno. tarot card says about my recent past, me have anxiety n difficulty in sleeping because things kept making me think. near future, it says everything will come tgt successfully in the end. or become wiser/smarter. my emotion roller coaster is taking control and then the foundation of it is the attraction and love i have for u as part of my life, dat i will regret it forever if is say no to u. it says we will keep having to think and understand each other and find ways to work it out for us, like re-evaluting after each tiff off. then advice = just go for it. like use every last bit of energy (if have) n go for it. hey the tarot card says u are irressistable,  LOL. and dat u make me, me and i rely a lot on u, sometimes too much because u like drug. i like though, indulge in this temptation. wahhhh why liddat. last card. the hiderance and block is my pride. it tells me to just let go and give in. it tells me to swallow the disgrace of losing a fight and learn something from it

And mac says it aint lying...=.="

Is there something to look forward to?

These days phil is infested with the flood and problems after the flood. Mac is sick and busy as well, 1st things to do in case the flood comes back, his pain in back and his computers spoiled. The usual one thanks to hardware probs and the eeky one drowned in the flood. I don't wanna make him more upset or wat not, making him like eternally unable to heal since he has been having the pains with or without fever for the 3rd week already. Dat stupid sickness have been testing my patience, taking his time away from me. All he do is sleep these days, else be the phone dying out or just i dunno...

I been calling him a lot, already drained away about 17 bucks just because i need him. ="< and sometimes i can't even call because his phone is dead.

My computer means nothing to me now, since i dunno when he gonna contact me, or when he wanna contact me. Mac tells me not to think about him if it makes me upset, eat if i want to sleep if i want to and not always wait for him. Each time he appears at a random time around 2~3am...If i were to sleep when i am tired, i would have miss him for another day and if i keep doing dat, i doubt dat i can even talk to him for the past week.

These days i look at the computer, mac would contact me normally around 8 or 10...or 12....3am?...or...i don't know, it just keeps getting later and later. Each time i stare at the clock while hours and hours pass by like without a care in the world, it feels like a have nothing to look forward to anymore. He won't come on...even though i miss him so much so much and it doesn't help.

I miss the days i would rush home and quickly finish all my work, so i can talk to him when he comes on without having to be distracted and stress out by things i do. then we would talk about things and make funny actions in front of webcam and sleep together with the webcam on without a care. Now the webcam is on, we're talking but he doesn't look at me much at all, when he goes to bed he leaves the computer outside or off it, thus i am back to sleeping alone again. I never liked sleeping alone, i keep waking up every 2~3hrs and it's very difficult to fall back to sleep each time i am awake...i leave the computer on in case he comes on and look for me, i leave the irritating alert sounds so it rings me to wake up. (not all the time it works waking me up, but mostly it does) Well, anyways...it doesn't ring other than when the group chat with shukangs n gang ppl suddenly type something to spam. walang msg mo. ="<

Even so everyday i just keep waiting until he comes on at 2, 3am. Meanwhile i draw and talk to Johnel, who still very passionate in teaching me how to speak tagalog. Johnel is teaching me very well, i understand a lot, though his english is not good, as he says. He says i improving alot since i have very good memory. I wish one day i can say to mac excitedly, "Usap nalang tayo tagalog." If that would ever happen.

Sigh...I miss u mac. I miss u so much. Days with me sleeping by com with u there snoring, or days when i am sleeping while u give me kisses, i miss and love so much...please don't take it away.

I am lucky to have the sweetest baby ever.

Though i am still unable to sleep last night with the unsettling feelings about you, but at least i calmed down a lil with u here with me. Knowing dat as long as u still smile, u must be ok and i have nothing else to worry about than to pray for your full recovery.

Please get well soon mac, i will be here for you.

No worries.