Little bit Selfishness, Narrow-minded Kitty.

NO WANT NO WANT NO WANTTTT!! NO WANT MYSELF BEING SUCH PETTY MAO, NO WANT THESE EEKY DOUBTS AND THOUGHTS THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO MEAN ABOUT MYSELF AND HOW IT IS SEEMINGLY TREATING THE BOND BETWEEN ME AND MAC!! D=<

I really really really want him, i want him so much dat i worry. I worry so much, so much about the bad things dat might happen more than the good ones. I think so much of them they become so scary and gains dominance of my emotional stability. It is so biggggggg in its influence i already lost all interests in working (i day dream most of the time or just work brainlessly) and wat i do (walk in mid of street. lose tots, almost get hit by lorry/truck). Day in and day out, i keep thinking all about him and wanting to be near him.

Then again it makes me think.

If i be near him, he be bored of me soon? Get too used to me soon? Getting to take me for granted soon??

But when i am not near him, i fear he be approach by girls when he is alone. Fear he gets tired of the boredom and our distance or get too hungry for love. Fear he feels unloved because how much i am unable give him thanks to the sea dat separates us apart.

*sigh*

HMMMMM wat if i with him all the time? Will he get sick and tired of my "i love u"? Will he get fed up with my mood swings? Will he be disgusted by the eeky thoughts i have from time to time? Will he leave me alone after he have enough of me??

But i no want him near any girls, no want him be feeling he is away from me either. I want him to take care of me while i devote myself to him and only him. I know about the i shouldn't give him 100% of me thingy, BUT I DON'T CARE. I am a girl in the end, i should be allow to express my love as and when and to whom i choose it to be.

NO want people like A.G to be pretty in his eyes, for i know i can never be as eye catching as she is. (I jelly at anything and girls he mentioned) I want to do anything to keep him; cut my bangs, wear lil dresses, put cute makeup and pinch my cheeks to get his every EVERY attention. It kills me at times, when i have to smile and try and convince myself that i am not affected by some things like his past or things people tell me when all i want i simply just to love him and forgo everything else, while expected the same. I know is a selfish thought and things like dat would only make situation worse but wat else can i do?

i boring, not good looking, lack of charisma, lack of self esteem, lack of security, lack of sparkles self. This is dat much i can do but it seems to be never enough for me to suppress my own fears of losing him.

NO WANT, i no want be like this. It feels like such a sin to be harboring these intense feeling of wanting him even if it takes tearing my world apart.

I feel so scheming, like a over obsessive, possessive bad girl ="< and i don't wanna appear like a scary monster in front of him. He is so precious and means so much, SO MUCH to me.

Can i? Do i really deserve him and his love? >.<

I really want him so much so much, sigh, why do i think like dat =_="

I envy so much dat others can be together as they want, though i know the thing i have with my mac is a lot stronger and special than what they have, but still...wat is this uneasy feeling dat lingers in me?

 

BLEHHHH I AM SO BLOODY CHILDISH.

What happened?!!

Went out this weekend with my friends for dinner and i hear bad info about me among them. 1st about the issue dat i change many boyfriends ever since they know me (is like how dat vic keeps saying dat i change bf like i change clothes, MF...i don't even....ARGH!!!), 2nd is the thing about they think dat i have sex with new person(s) (Well, might as well just label me a slut will ya?!), 3rd the news spreading dat i was suicidal among the peers + ppl dat i not even close with. (ya, i am stupid, i kill myself and failed.)

It hurts. ="<

I don't know wat to say about this but, why do they have to say something about it behind my back. Those are personal issues and such, some i don't even want anyone to touch them anymore. WHY THE HELL are people still talking about it nao?

I know prolly they feel dat they are long term friends, these should be open issues and the lack of respect and boundaries and blahhh. Don't they realize the things they are talking about is very VERY hurtful of my pride and my feelings? I don't know what else to say or how to tell them, i don't wanna explain my situation nor i wanna tell them the whole story since i still wanna keep it private to my own. Neither i wanna start another argument about me being a petty fool and wat not, keeping issues to myself because i "don't treat them as friends?".

I don't wanna do this bullshittery arguement anymore. All i need is to love and be loved back, I don't need them to know my every story and be nosy/judgemental about the things i've done and been through.

I only need dat lil sensitivity and concern.

I am still human, it hurts, it really does.

Missing the sleeping him.

Just woke up outta bed though it is already 1pm+, feeling slightly confused and lonely as i cannot find him to hug to. Still not quite used to it after weeks have passed, i can only feel better if i know he is by my side. He is still sleeping though, so i don't wanna disturb him. He has been lacking of sleep this weekends dat i dun wanna him to be sleepy and get sick eventually. ARGHHH, but i miss him so much. >.<

These days thanks to work and what not, our sleep timing shifted drastically, thus often resulting us in sleeping at different periods of the day.

Mac woke up in the middle of the night suddenly knowing dat it's around time i would reach home from honey's celebration, without an alarm clock. I know, because i called him when i reached back, 2 times, and he never answered. It was a very sweet gesture though, so sweet dat i dunno wat to say, but to love him even more.

I'll be going out for dinner later too, should i call him up and squish him sleep time just for a few hours to chat in ur weekends with him before i go out? Or should i just let him sleep till it's enough for his body to woke up by himself, so he be comfy?

Thanks to me and the mac, Kach has been somewhat forced to sleep in another room with the mattress because both of us don't sleep in the night. we spend our nights chatting and playing, which had been making her sleep difficult because i am too noisy. I feel so bad ah, but i dunno wat else i can do. I really really miss my love so much, i really wanna spend all the time with him aside from working/his school time. (we have no choice about it) Most of time, i think we prolly lack of sleep badly, considering us always chatting till late night. Or something staying awake till morning. I always try to salvage my sleep, sleeping whenever few hours where mac is still in school knowing the time he be ol is around 9~10pm when i reach home around 6.30~7pm.

OKOK.....hmmm....*thinks* considering mac has not been answering me around 3am. So he should be alseep by then. Then then, how is near 2pm. *thinks* 4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12, 1, 2. He has been asleep for more than 10hrs already, should i call him??

*confused confused*

*stress*

*sigh*

*knock wall*

Slowly getting back into the pace of 'Life'

BLOG POST 101.

Back in SG, back to work, back into the shitty reality of what the society has already dictated as life.

Study else you'll be useless, Work else you'll be worthless.
Yeah, that's how shitty living is. But still i can't help thinking about wat the adults nag me about the whole weekend.

I have long gave up the thought about living, there's no point going around being judged by the number of certs and the points you have. There's no confirmation that one will have a high paying job and be looked upon when one is a graduate. And so what if you have all the money and fame there is, is it guaranteed that one will be living happy?

Sigh, at least i have something to look forward to everyday. Just any joke from him, LAME or not will lit my day up as if it had never been grey.

Sometimes i feel simple things in life affects me more than winning the lottery or having the chance to handle a big project. Mac told me dat before dat i overvalue many simple, common things, like how if someone give me food to eat or simply just bring me to have a walk around the super marker, it will make me super SUPER happy!!

I actually quite like this side of me. Appreciate and be appreciated, that's what one of my given name means. Suiting?

I remember, in the past 10 years or so, my birthday wish was always simply to wish that i can be happy when i could wish for toys or awesome grades at school. Now i realize, what i need and can do was actually really simple.

I don't need all the cash in the world to be happy, just a little love will do and a little more everyday! =)

That is what it means to live to me,
and the only thing that keeps me living.