How do i say this...?
I still love him, he knows that.
He still loves me...i know that too...
He hated it like this,
That I'm no longer in his arms.
I'm crying, i'm hurt. I needed some breathing space.
He gave me, I got it.
I know his concerns, his worries, his love.
I do hope he understands too.
I still love him.
But what i had now...it felt hurt to love, really.
I need some time, to sort myself out and to heal.
To forgive and forget,
To swallow the guilt that i got him suffering for 2 years much because of me,
To rest and think selfishly about myself...
A long time, maybe.
At least let me finish dealing the shitstorm i'd caused everywhere, on my own.
I needs that time, that growth in my life.
I can no longer 'see'.
I lost the sight which i loved and hated the most. (in many terms)
I cannot 'feel' anymore too.
I'm worried what might become of me.
But...I'll work it out somehow...
At least, I can breathe now.
But...
I miss him.
I don't regret my decision, but still, it hurts. It seriously hurts, still.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Oks PPL KITTY ISH BACK SAVE AND SOUND AND FOR GOOD!!
Last view of the Sea View on the 1st of September 2010 from Kem Desaru had successfully got my beating heart of excitement to a stop.
"I'm finally leaving," I thought, but a sharp pain pierced thru' my heart. Surprisingly, i too was upset about leaving this hell. Days i had been here, everyday i prayed to be back home soon but when it's finally here, only a sense of lost has overcome my mind. "Why?" I couldn't think out a reason why i need to miss this place. Painful memories and tough trainings, ridiculous rules and the stupidity of some people that i had to tolerate through these 2 months of 'time wasting'.
i stood alone and watched the surrounding around me. There were so much tears dripping everywhere around me yet i couldn't even speak, not even at least show a face of any emotion that indicates 'sadness'.
i spent like 5 minutes again staring out at the sea, I could remember so clearly. The sky with the thick dark storm clouds stained with the evening sun of reddish rays. The wind was so cold, putting me on hold with this calm yet lonely emotion.
Then i walked a few steps back and turned around, i watched him (D8-Ø8) finally sitting alone. I approached him and sat there, squabbled a bit then just leaning against his warm back for a while before his friends dragged him off again in another few minutes time for an 'A-RU-BAH'. Just that feel minutes of a moment, i knew i would definitely miss this kinda warmth, that first and final peck i left on his cheek earlier in the day, and that annoying squabbling we always had over the most ridiculous issues. We will meet outside again, but i guess that feeling would never be the same.
I ate my final dinner there though the taste really isn't that appetizing.
It was my final meal there from the kitchen.
Soon that last night came and everyone lost control. Some partied, some cried, some started singing and there was a lot of NOISE. I gave my friends hugs, took much pictures which they will upload on their FBs, shared bites from the same food and had our last laugh we would have in this camp as a part of Company Charlie.
I WILL NEVER FORGET.
"TEPOK, TEPOK COMPANY CHARLIE!!"
I then walked back to the MESS back in the canteen after the last Charlie reunion. Sat down beside him (D8-Ø8) again. 2 of us quietly staring out at the noisy and messy crowd. We didn't squabble or have much words. Maybe the 'lost' i am feeling, he had it too.
The Night was LONG and noisy. I didn't get to sleep at all after leaving my final picnic in B11 with Tsu Rong and Pei Pei ended.
Phones kept ringing throughout the night, but when it finally stopped at around 4am, the 40mins fire trigger is pulled to wake the Muslims up for breakfast.
I gave up sleeping and sat up. I took out my diary and started flipping through it. Every words, every drawing i did told me that i had been thru' a lot, while my friends' final words written on it reminding me that I've made my mark and it's time to go.
i din take much time clearing up the last few items and dragging my bags out.
I din have appetite for breakfast at all, because of my drowsiness for i plainly had a final cup of tea. I met Jerry (A1-01) in the morning, we talked a bit and had our first and final hug of farewell. I held him tight for a while and let loose of one of my best friend here. "Thank you," was what resounded in my mind, though i didn't have the guts to say anything at that moment except for "bye".
Then we all moved to the parade square to have our final attendance, a few laughs and last cries, waved then it's up and gone.
I sat in the bus with Anis, who was as quiet as i am at that moment. Normally, we're a playful and noisy pair. But at out last moments, nothing came out from our mouth in that 1 and a half hour but simply just smiles and her just leaning on my shoulder for the last time. The guy's aren't allowed to sit with the girls, so he (D8-Ø8) got shoo-ed away to the back where he sat with his friend. We remained on sms contact the whole time, keeping me company while i got carsick and frozen by the air-conditioning in the bus. His gentle words letting me know, he's still there.
Soon we reached Danga Bay and it's time to leave.
I got picked off pretty soon, so my last good byes all went off with the ring-tones playing on their phones.
I reached home sooner than i expected and i dropped on my bed.
"Where am i?"
Home.
"I'm back home...?"
Wait.
"Where are they?"
This is it?
I took a bathe to calm down, threw up gastric juice later on thanks to the car sickness, then changed to a new piece of pajamas. I watched 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' on my laptop while eating curry puffs and drinking a hot cup of milk tea. With a last sms sent to him (D8-Ø8) i fell asleep finally, while still hugging onto his shirt close to my aching heart...
"Thank you all so much...good bye, keep in touch and may we meet again!"
It's true, though i hated the place and hated some people. I still felt glad i got picked to go thru' this shit and had spent time living thru' this with everyone of you.
"I love you."
...
Once again!!
"TEPOK TEPOK KEM DESARU!!"
"I'm finally leaving," I thought, but a sharp pain pierced thru' my heart. Surprisingly, i too was upset about leaving this hell. Days i had been here, everyday i prayed to be back home soon but when it's finally here, only a sense of lost has overcome my mind. "Why?" I couldn't think out a reason why i need to miss this place. Painful memories and tough trainings, ridiculous rules and the stupidity of some people that i had to tolerate through these 2 months of 'time wasting'.
i stood alone and watched the surrounding around me. There were so much tears dripping everywhere around me yet i couldn't even speak, not even at least show a face of any emotion that indicates 'sadness'.
i spent like 5 minutes again staring out at the sea, I could remember so clearly. The sky with the thick dark storm clouds stained with the evening sun of reddish rays. The wind was so cold, putting me on hold with this calm yet lonely emotion.
Then i walked a few steps back and turned around, i watched him (D8-Ø8) finally sitting alone. I approached him and sat there, squabbled a bit then just leaning against his warm back for a while before his friends dragged him off again in another few minutes time for an 'A-RU-BAH'. Just that feel minutes of a moment, i knew i would definitely miss this kinda warmth, that first and final peck i left on his cheek earlier in the day, and that annoying squabbling we always had over the most ridiculous issues. We will meet outside again, but i guess that feeling would never be the same.
I ate my final dinner there though the taste really isn't that appetizing.
It was my final meal there from the kitchen.
Soon that last night came and everyone lost control. Some partied, some cried, some started singing and there was a lot of NOISE. I gave my friends hugs, took much pictures which they will upload on their FBs, shared bites from the same food and had our last laugh we would have in this camp as a part of Company Charlie.
I WILL NEVER FORGET.
"TEPOK, TEPOK COMPANY CHARLIE!!"
I then walked back to the MESS back in the canteen after the last Charlie reunion. Sat down beside him (D8-Ø8) again. 2 of us quietly staring out at the noisy and messy crowd. We didn't squabble or have much words. Maybe the 'lost' i am feeling, he had it too.
The Night was LONG and noisy. I didn't get to sleep at all after leaving my final picnic in B11 with Tsu Rong and Pei Pei ended.
Phones kept ringing throughout the night, but when it finally stopped at around 4am, the 40mins fire trigger is pulled to wake the Muslims up for breakfast.
I gave up sleeping and sat up. I took out my diary and started flipping through it. Every words, every drawing i did told me that i had been thru' a lot, while my friends' final words written on it reminding me that I've made my mark and it's time to go.
i din take much time clearing up the last few items and dragging my bags out.
I din have appetite for breakfast at all, because of my drowsiness for i plainly had a final cup of tea. I met Jerry (A1-01) in the morning, we talked a bit and had our first and final hug of farewell. I held him tight for a while and let loose of one of my best friend here. "Thank you," was what resounded in my mind, though i didn't have the guts to say anything at that moment except for "bye".
Then we all moved to the parade square to have our final attendance, a few laughs and last cries, waved then it's up and gone.
I sat in the bus with Anis, who was as quiet as i am at that moment. Normally, we're a playful and noisy pair. But at out last moments, nothing came out from our mouth in that 1 and a half hour but simply just smiles and her just leaning on my shoulder for the last time. The guy's aren't allowed to sit with the girls, so he (D8-Ø8) got shoo-ed away to the back where he sat with his friend. We remained on sms contact the whole time, keeping me company while i got carsick and frozen by the air-conditioning in the bus. His gentle words letting me know, he's still there.
Soon we reached Danga Bay and it's time to leave.
I got picked off pretty soon, so my last good byes all went off with the ring-tones playing on their phones.
I reached home sooner than i expected and i dropped on my bed.
"Where am i?"
Home.
"I'm back home...?"
Wait.
"Where are they?"
This is it?
I took a bathe to calm down, threw up gastric juice later on thanks to the car sickness, then changed to a new piece of pajamas. I watched 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' on my laptop while eating curry puffs and drinking a hot cup of milk tea. With a last sms sent to him (D8-Ø8) i fell asleep finally, while still hugging onto his shirt close to my aching heart...
"Thank you all so much...good bye, keep in touch and may we meet again!"
It's true, though i hated the place and hated some people. I still felt glad i got picked to go thru' this shit and had spent time living thru' this with everyone of you.
"I love you."
...
Once again!!
"TEPOK TEPOK KEM DESARU!!"
Friday, July 2, 2010
Bye bye peoples, see you guys in Early October...
So many things, so little time i have left now here before the lappy. Now packing up my stuff, with many heavy feelings and feels quite upset about this. But at least i have my phone with me, so i can still receive sms-ses. (Leon will be helping me top up so that i can still contact him in case i feels upset.)
Don't ask why i can't contact other ppls, is not like u guys are paying for my phone bills. =p <--stingy
-4 sets of clothing
-some random necessities for my hair and skin
-Medication
-1 empty blank notebook (which will serve as my diary and sketchbook)
-1 mechanical pencil
-1 small lead container
-1 eraser
-Leon's jacket and neoprints
-1 phone + charger
Still have somemore stuff to pack. Should i bring more misc stuff?
I stopped crying after crying for 2 hours plus until i got sick yesterday. Still upset though, but not crying anymore.
Seriously don't want to go somewhere where i don't know anyone and somewhere i dunno and may be in danger. (there was a gang rape case last year there and food poisoning case that killed some people the year before too.) <-- DANGER
Though i heard it's somewhere near my place.(I doubtingly think so)
Not really want speak of reason or anything like that, since this is not my decision or my choice. But I'm sure I'll miss everything here to the point i go bonkers and such. But I hope 3 months pass by fast, after that i will go school and meet u ppls and I wanna stay out for one night maybe. At a hotel/chalet. Just somewhere outside to spend time with u guys and of course my dearest Leon.
3 months, I'll be back a dark kitty (which i hope not *prays much* and packs in sunblock ). Anyways, I'll be gone in the afternoon 2moro and only be back in October 3rd/4th. So make sure to stab any idiots who hack my accounts.
Hmmm dunno what else to say. I'll update it before i leave i guess.
I'll miss you people lots. I love you and don't forget about me, or i seriously WILL be saddened. (Well I'll still be sadden to come back to fb and see how much I've missed out on life and my friends having fun take pic and such. ARGHhhh...)
But ya, I love u guys.
Hope i can still hear from u ppl before i leave and hiatus my Network and Social life.
PS: in case i dun come online on the 4th or even if u ask my leon he also no heard from me, prolly means I'm dead somewhere.
So i wanna tell u guys before i regret it: I love u all and i NEVER regretted walking my life and meeting everyone of u, good and bad. Thanks. I love you.
Don't ask why i can't contact other ppls, is not like u guys are paying for my phone bills. =p <--stingy
-4 sets of clothing
-some random necessities for my hair and skin
-Medication
-1 empty blank notebook (which will serve as my diary and sketchbook)
-1 mechanical pencil
-1 small lead container
-1 eraser
-Leon's jacket and neoprints
-1 phone + charger
Still have somemore stuff to pack. Should i bring more misc stuff?
I stopped crying after crying for 2 hours plus until i got sick yesterday. Still upset though, but not crying anymore.
Seriously don't want to go somewhere where i don't know anyone and somewhere i dunno and may be in danger. (there was a gang rape case last year there and food poisoning case that killed some people the year before too.) <-- DANGER
Though i heard it's somewhere near my place.(I doubtingly think so)
Not really want speak of reason or anything like that, since this is not my decision or my choice. But I'm sure I'll miss everything here to the point i go bonkers and such. But I hope 3 months pass by fast, after that i will go school and meet u ppls and I wanna stay out for one night maybe. At a hotel/chalet. Just somewhere outside to spend time with u guys and of course my dearest Leon.
3 months, I'll be back a dark kitty (which i hope not *prays much* and packs in sunblock ). Anyways, I'll be gone in the afternoon 2moro and only be back in October 3rd/4th. So make sure to stab any idiots who hack my accounts.
Hmmm dunno what else to say. I'll update it before i leave i guess.
I'll miss you people lots. I love you and don't forget about me, or i seriously WILL be saddened. (Well I'll still be sadden to come back to fb and see how much I've missed out on life and my friends having fun take pic and such. ARGHhhh...)
But ya, I love u guys.
Hope i can still hear from u ppl before i leave and hiatus my Network and Social life.
PS: in case i dun come online on the 4th or even if u ask my leon he also no heard from me, prolly means I'm dead somewhere.
So i wanna tell u guys before i regret it: I love u all and i NEVER regretted walking my life and meeting everyone of u, good and bad. Thanks. I love you.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
两个人在一起久了，是会上瘾的～
两个人在一起久了，会发现自己有时幼稚的像个儿童。
两个人在一起久了，才知道原来一个人可以如此的去想念另一个人。
两个人在一起久了，自己的不良爱好会因为对方的不喜欢而终止。
两个人在一起久了，会比以前更加奋斗，把压力当成动力。
两个人在一起久了，奇怪的变的很乖，会按时吃饭按时睡觉。
两个人在一起久了，父母管不下来的习惯，会因为她的一声哼，而改正。
两个人在一起久了，会深深的喜欢上以前那份厌恶督促，催促，教训。
两个人在一起久了，脑子里会老记着去看看手机。即使是个山寨货。
两个人在一起久了，会常看一些生活小常识，星座相配，异性服装。
两个人在一起久了，偶尔就和发春状态一样说出我爱你。
两个人在一起久了，撒娇多了，冷言少了，（嗯） 字多了，（不）字少了。
两个人在一起久了，看见相拥，亲吻的场景，会用好浪漫去形容。
两个人在一起久了，人会变的很细心很敏感，嘴笨也学会甜言蜜语了。
两个人在一起久了，会在任何时间任何地点，为了一个可爱的幻想站着傻笑。
两个人在一起久了，常在琢磨是因为寂寞才想你还是想你才寂寞。
两个人在一起久了，漫不经心打听她小姐妹的情侣是否很出众，很乐意的给自己增加压力。
两个人在一起久了，即使搂在怀里了，也会为了自己一个虚有的幻想而担心失去，很不安心。
两个人在一起久了，平常游戏的时间是在专心的关注着对方的签名，日志，一切有关系的讯息。
两个人在一起久了，会很想陪伴着她去做她想做的事，即使是自己从没触碰过的。
两个人在一起久了，通常只是偷瞄走过的异性，然后惊慌失措的说句还是你最漂亮。
两个人在一起久了，兄弟，朋友的会常对自己说一句话。（重色轻友的家伙）
两个人在一起久了，虚伪说你真是个大坏蛋，内心不知道有多怜惜这个大坏蛋。
两个人在一起久了，是会上瘾的。
两个人在一起久了，才知道原来一个人可以如此的去想念另一个人。
两个人在一起久了，自己的不良爱好会因为对方的不喜欢而终止。
两个人在一起久了，会比以前更加奋斗，把压力当成动力。
两个人在一起久了，奇怪的变的很乖，会按时吃饭按时睡觉。
两个人在一起久了，父母管不下来的习惯，会因为她的一声哼，而改正。
两个人在一起久了，会深深的喜欢上以前那份厌恶督促，催促，教训。
两个人在一起久了，脑子里会老记着去看看手机。即使是个山寨货。
两个人在一起久了，会常看一些生活小常识，星座相配，异性服装。
两个人在一起久了，偶尔就和发春状态一样说出我爱你。
两个人在一起久了，撒娇多了，冷言少了，（嗯） 字多了，（不）字少了。
两个人在一起久了，看见相拥，亲吻的场景，会用好浪漫去形容。
两个人在一起久了，人会变的很细心很敏感，嘴笨也学会甜言蜜语了。
两个人在一起久了，会在任何时间任何地点，为了一个可爱的幻想站着傻笑。
两个人在一起久了，常在琢磨是因为寂寞才想你还是想你才寂寞。
两个人在一起久了，漫不经心打听她小姐妹的情侣是否很出众，很乐意的给自己增加压力。
两个人在一起久了，即使搂在怀里了，也会为了自己一个虚有的幻想而担心失去，很不安心。
两个人在一起久了，平常游戏的时间是在专心的关注着对方的签名，日志，一切有关系的讯息。
两个人在一起久了，会很想陪伴着她去做她想做的事，即使是自己从没触碰过的。
两个人在一起久了，通常只是偷瞄走过的异性，然后惊慌失措的说句还是你最漂亮。
两个人在一起久了，兄弟，朋友的会常对自己说一句话。（重色轻友的家伙）
两个人在一起久了，虚伪说你真是个大坏蛋，内心不知道有多怜惜这个大坏蛋。
两个人在一起久了，是会上瘾的。
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