Nervous...

Ish going to see my mamac soon in like 36 hours time. I feel so nervous, my heart's racing and i can't sleep. Thinking back the past few months hasn't been great for us is one factor why i'm getting so nervous, the other  reason is because i hate to come to him, them leaving like dat early in the morning again. that thought and memories of the last time at the airport had really really freaked me out. Now i have airport phobias. I scared to cry in public.

Mac house today no electricity, no internet. it has been days since i last heard his voice. So i'm kinda at the jittery panicky mode without him being by my side reassuring me. He should be sleeping now, i miss him a lot. well. just have to hold on a bit more then i can sleep in peace. I wanna tell him so much i wanna be with him and scared to leave him. ="< yeah it sounds stupid, being scared of airport just because i cried at the airports before. hate crying alone la!

just a bit more and i'll see him again. Hope it be great and loving this time!

Missing and missing him and i wonder if he gets bored of listening to me saying how much i miss him.

As the post title says.

Seriously, i am wondering if guys get tired of listening to girls saying that they miss him over and over again. Do they find it sweet? Boring? Or just plain annoying? 

I've heard that a thousand times girl. I KNOWWWWW that you miss me, well can you stop saying it already? Eh, something like that.

Nonono, Mac didn't actually said that. I am just wondering plainly out of curiosity because Mac always says is boring to keep saying or listening to something over and over again. LABBB!! Ish true i miss him, but when i say it too often, does the meaning get lost?

I know this LDR will last for quite a few years, I don't really like it like that but what other choices do we have. Is always missing here missing there, then cry cry, then see mac, leave mac, then cry cry. I think far ahead sometimes, that's the only thing i can look forward and be happy about our love. I didn't plan to be together with this guy just to end up in a break up you know? Took me much courage and the trust between us to come to this day, i am not going to let it go away, easily or not so easily, I am NEVER going to let him go. I have much confidence we'll end up together even in the graves. But at least, before whatever officially happens, we're able to get closer and closer before then. Seeing someone on skype isn't as same as holding the person in your arms you know? Technology may have distorted the meaning of that "he's here with you", but in reality, there's nothing and you know better than that.  I envy couples around me that can meet each other as and when they like, yet still quarrel all the time. Well, not envying the quarreling time of course, just the gift that they can just touch their partner as and when, is such a big thing to me while small thing to them. Sometimes i go out, i see couples quarreling in public about things that actually shouldn't matter to them now; Ex-gf/bf, time going out, money spent on dates, talking with friends, guy play to much games, girl too materialistic, bf/gf's friends/family sucks etc etc. What the hell?

I learned from this relationship, how precious it is, that feeling to just look at him right in front of you, feel his warmth from the skin, his scent through your nose, his voice not distorted by the network/speaker. It feels so magical and blissful just to have something as simple as that. No need for fancy dates or any special events. It's nice to have some surprises, it makes time even more memorable and special together, but i am good with just snuggling with him and sleep while he plays his NBA while ignoring me. Just something simple knowing he IS PHYSICALLY HERE with me, I am happy already.

- Enters crybaby mode -

I really miss him you know?

Just need that little hug from this only 1 person. I have not touched him for 25 days already...i cried the last time he hugged me, he bought me candy to aid in the motion sickness during the flight, i still have some of it since i cried myself to sleep when the plane took off. I woke up reaching a land so "foreign" to me and he is no longer here with me. I have no choice to accept reality, you cannot expect me to just drop there and cry wanting to fly back to him asap, forgoing everything and stay with him forever without any consequences right? It was the most painful day i felt since i been with him. I didn't cry because we quarrel, instead, is because i need him. I am so scared of the separation with him, i fear so much to be away from him not knowing when i will see him next and if he'll be fine the next time i see him. I cry and cry all the time, i felt so bad for making him worried as well, but i can't help it. Sometimes i just try hard and be swept away by his cheerfulness or act cheery to cheer myself up, sometimes when it can't happen i end up crying again.

I just to wait a little more i guess. Wait for mac to get stable with his life, wait for me to pick up basic tagalog, wait till i earn a little more...well that goal is actually not too hard since i can save up money easily. Just about a year more, mac maybe graduate then. It be good if he can work here in Singapore with me, we can rent a small apartment or single room together. But i wouldn't hope too much on that, since i know Mac loves Philippines a lot, probably won't leave. I would love to work in Philippines as well, if i were to live there. Still, need to pick up language in case somebody disturb me and for communication purposes.

Am i thinking a little too far for Mac? I worry i might scare him away instead of him feeling sweet about it.

I really want to know how he feels, but is so difficult to guess. Mac plays riddles, i usually dunno wat the hell he is thinking most of the time. I can only anticipate his habits and behaviors  but i hope i am doing more good than harm for him. He not baby, i shouldn't worry.

Maybe i am just worried for myself because i selfish and spoiled by him, want to have him all the time.

Hmm...

Nostalgia at its best.

Today i chatted with Poy and just keeping her company, since she's depressed over some issues. We exchanged some stories of ourselves and other random chat. it seems to be quite successful to make her feel little bit better. I am glad. =)

Talking about bit and pieces, remembering all the past 2 years me and mac have been through really bring back a lot of good memories. All the little arguments, affection, pick up lines etc etc, all the little cute things mac and me have done. How i fell for him, how i knew he's the one, how i realize i need him more than anything in my life. I also discovered soooooooo many cute pics of mamac in Poy's albums of Mac when he was younger. SO CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!! Hehe Cutest boy eberrrrrrr!! I am sho happy. Orkai can DAI HAPPY NAO~! Hehehe.

Must show off...so cute right?? SO EFF-ING CUTE!!! (si Poy, Johnel at Macky Boi) WAH ang kyut talaga!

Well, i have been reminiscing our history much as well while mac playing his game. just talk and talk, enough to make me savour and remember all the sweet sweet moments over and over again. i know it totally sounds silly to keep looking at pictures/blog posts/comments mac made over and over again. just cannot get sick of it. I am wierd, i know.

Feels so sweet and happy these days.

Miss Mamac so much.

And Poy.

Day 1 after returning to hell.

Not coping very well, already ended up crying while mamac is asleep. I don't like this feeling being away from him, it just makes me feel insecure and scared. Maybe i am just too dependent on him that i can't help it at all. The days i spent with him are all warm, fond and carefree, not much worries even if there are any problems at all. I hate dat feeling when i was at the departure hall. I feel it even now, that mix feeling of sadness, void, loneliness and fear. I was freakin out long before i entered the airport to leave. It was a terrible experience that i would never want to have again. Too bad for me though, it's gonna be happening over and over and over again. I hate the airport, i just wanna stay with mac and never leave again.

Mac just woke up now and i cry cry again. I dunno why, i probably just can't take the horror of waking up without him beside me. Like when i did at his house, while he was just outside in the cr while i woke up. Kov and mot made fun of me about dat.

I really miss him. This 2nd trip to Phils only just did reassured me that i would never want to leave him. Even if i have to wake up every morning eating rice for breakfast everyday even though i would really prefer bread/taste or anything not filled with high carbohydrate with my kopi/teh or juice. Well, thats probably my only problem there other than some language barrier which will lessen in time i hope.

I really love him so much, tito raised an awesome son.