I hate him, but i don't want to, then again, i don't know.

Because i love a person, my heart only remember that one good things and believing and staying...sometimes i do wonder but is that kindness representative of who the person really is?

Then i totally hate myself for thinking that way.

So confused. Don't know whether to hate him or myself, more towards myself i guess. Since i don't want to put myself in that position to hate someone i love so much at times when he acts like a jerk.

*sigh* Don't know what to think anymore.

Not that things are going that bad, but it isn't really going uphill as well.

Probably because the chase is over, he felt there's not longer a need for sweetness and that touch a flirtatiousness, well just things like that which i usually love and enjoy. More of the just want me to do nothing, shut up and i felt no longer looked at.

No hugs and kisses when i am sad, no longer always telling me that i am his. Always raising his voice instead of talking it out nicely, usually put me in the "wrong" position to take the blame. So i am constantly reminded that i am at fault. No apology for making me feel bad. I don't know, he says he feels there's nothing to feel guilty about making things right for him. But i just isn't sure anymore and it's eating me inside every time i just wipe the problem off my shoulder because he doesn't want to continue talking about it anymore, praying that one day i will wake up and everything will change. Like he will be loving towards me again for who i am, stop having prejudice over me just because his brother keeps making fun of me and said i am drama and i just want all the bad things to stop, stop saying that i am annoying or at fault for problems that sparks from things we accidentally do, stop ignoring me, stop not saying that you love me, stop mentioning about how others girls are better than me, stop asking me to change, stop saying that i am just drama and a problem, stop STOP STOP. i just want them to just stop and go away.

I know he still have feelings for me, still love me. but i don't understand why is it like that already after merely 2 years. "Numb", as how he describes it and thinks it should be.

I am still not bored of him. I never did get bored of being in love with him, still find ways to be flirty (though he hardly responds to it) or be loving (though people just laugh at me for my efforts) I want to be there for him and vice versa. just as simple as that, like every girl wishes to be. I just wanted to be treated that way, want to feel that way, loved, appreciated.

Sometimes i feel so upset, i wondered why am i sticking on with a guy that makes me feel so worthless of myself, like i am always making a fool of myself by doing anything at all. Someone who doesn't tell like to tell me, he loves me, miss me or if i look good, unless i ask him, only because i want to hear it after days of not hearing it. Sometimes, at least i wish he would say he is sorry for making me cry, he didn't mean to and that he was just trying to talk to me about something that isn't so good about the situation. Something like this. Instead, i am the only one apologizing like a fool and telling him i still love him while he just take it as it is. Is like i am the only person putting effort in this relationship, the only one who wants to love him. I thought of giving up at times, then again, i love him a lot, i feel is stupid to break up with him just because he doesn't say all those things and give me enough affection and attention.

So ya, just upset like this...i really wish the situation will  just change and be loved again. Not just for the short term, but for the long run...

Just like this.

One sincere apology,
lots of words of affection
and a finger to wipe away my tears.

3 more days to see him again...i really don't want to spoil the moment and i also dun like him spoiling it either. Cannot just be super lovey dovey until then?

Dec 7 Hair length

So this is how long my hair is now.

A lot longer and super thick now. need some trimming ah. So freaking irritating when it fluffs up in a hot day. I am thinking of rebonding and recoloring my hair again~ no likes fluffy black hair~!

3.11.13

It's our 2nd year Anniversary today.

I cried, i cried the whole of last night, i am probably all dried up inside and out of energy to continue now after crying for 2 days straight without eating or bathing. So i probably am unlovably stinky.

I want them to all go away now, everything and everyone else.

Waiting, only for him, just him. I want nothing else.

I don't want his lies nor his fake promises. All i want is to be loved and cared upon, for once, treat me like a girl, a lover and a friend. Not just go away mamao, or tell me he'll be back soon but never did.

3.11.11
i waited him all night while he went drinking with his friends. He came back near dawn, drunk as fuck. Telling me to fall for him and promises that he'll catch me if i fall.

3.11.12
he scolded me, when i was trying to make the night better so i could at least celebrate our first year together. I was so upset, but still put some effort to make peace for us, praying at least for this day. It's to celebrate our love. It ended ok, but my heart was in pieces, it was never fixed.

3.11.13
I cried all night, knowing he forgotten about me, his promise, today's date and its meaning for us, while merry making with the people around him right now.

He woke up at 9+
I scolded him <-- br="" buey="" i="" song.="" very="">He tries to joke (not funny when u say u want someone sister in your harem. it's same like telling him i want his brother n him as my reverse-harem)

Now less mad, but still not satisfied.

I hope though, that he does listened to wat i said. analyze as he always does and actually do something about it instead of pushing it off until the next time same thing happen and my heart breaks again. Hard to pick up myself when i fall, is very hard...i also will tired putting up with his shit one ma, i also human will get upset and stress one.

But i'll just be holding on since there's still something that i believe in him, i believe that he was and will still be that person i fell for.

That he'll be there to catch me whenever i fall.

"I'm just this shitty little nothing" am i?

Even though the days i been with him physically is less than a year itself, but it already made a habit of me sleeping facing to my right with my arms out; just to sleep facing him, having him enjoy being the little spoon. All the time i try to please him, be the best i can be, yet i still get insulted by his brother, saying i do not know my place and that he should dump me since i am ugly, bitchy or slutty. I enjoy watching him and hearing him talk or smile at me, but it seems he'll smile at the whole world, at anyone, except for me.

I often wonder what is wrong, did i not treat him right? Is love not enough? Do i not matter to him anymore?

I sometimes hear others say, when i love someone, i should accept his good and bad side, be there for him when he is down and maintain peace within relationship by being more giving and understanding. Did i not do enough? I wonder if i am a bad lover, for someone to be shoo or shun upon when either of us are in a bad mood. How many nights did i stay awake crying, just thinking and reflecting about how i might be hated by him.Then each rare time he said "lab" to me again, i thought i am forgiven, then it will soon go back to 'i dun want to deal with u, tell me later when u feel better".

how much i wish (i really wish that) he could just try to comfort me instead of pushing me away or ignoring me. But ack, i just feel like this shitty little nothing that deserves nothing from him. Then i considered the part that i probably deserves it because i made him frustrated since he can't do anything to deal with the cause, annoyed since i interrupted something he is doing at the moment or guilty for various reason he feels not necessary, all the more that he doesn't want to deal with it because i am this shitty little nothing that is so troublesome that i shouldn't deserve any form of love or affection given my circumstances and should solve my emotional turmoil by myself alone.

pms huh. i am always having pms huh?

i really hate when he put it that way. having period is first disgusting, i never liked the thought of  or having it and never will. I HATE STUPID 9GAG MAKING PERIOD JOKES, putting into the mind of everyone that girls when upset = period is just rude. it is sexist, insulting and extremely offensive in the worse situations. What's so funny about it? I feel like it's just a way to push the guilt of a problem back to the girls themselves, instead of accepting a problem and trying to solve it together. 9gag and all its stupid offensive jokes has been related to me thru his mouth, making me just feel like i'm this shitty little nothing that deserves to be humiliated and insulted for the sake of it because there's some truth in those jokes that reflects in me.

Every time i feel like i am in the bad side and i cant climb out of it. When his brother insults me (for fun or so he says) and i get hurt, it's my fault that i can't deal with this fun and there's nothing i can do about it. Each time i feel upset over something, it's my fault because i am probably the one who caused it and i should deal with the after effects myself. When i have problems at home here, it doesn't affect anyone except me, so i should deal with it myself. i am not allowed to interrupt a good game play, whether i am playing it or not and i probably should quit playing because I SUCK and am such a NOOB. No matter how much i played and improved on my own trying to catch up and play at a "same level" as anyone, i am still being called that and it hurts. If i were to kill myself, he'll just be sad, it's wrong to stop me because its my decision to do so.

i wonder, if i were to go missing one day all of a sudden, would he ever thought of going looking for me, or would he just leave me be because it is troublesome to do so and he have other priorities? I never asked him this, i am scared of hearing the answer to this situation.

Each time i ask if i am important, he'll reply that i am. Yet i do not feel so and this makes him upset, because i am like not appreciative. But it's not like i have no reason to feel so, i am not longer given much affection and attention, more often ignored than not. He always seem to want me to be doing something else or asleep while i am trying to engage with him, i wonder if he wishes for me to just go away and don't bother or step into his life at all. When i try to dress up and have fun with me, it's always a rejection and he'll go to bed soon after that, leaving me hanging alone, after all the courage i put up just to look beautiful and confident. One rejection, followed by being ignored, i feel like a wake up call to me. Reminding me of how ugly i am...and how a pitiful attempt i am making to beg for his attention like that.

I am so ugly and pitiful.

I know i am not beautiful, nor have the prettiest heart, neither am i good in doing anything in particular, can't cook, eat properly and have no table manners, i can't even hold my liquor well and make embarrassment in public. I wonder what am i to him really, what do i mean in his life. Am i just there for him because he has the lack of choice for a lover? Did i think too highly of myself, that i am the only one in his heart and he'll only love and care of me? If so, why do i feel loveless from him?

Am i wrong to think like that? That he doesn't care for me or something along that line? Or am i wrong to think that because i am his lover i should be prioritized in his life?

Am i arrogant? Did i just get too arrogant just because of a few times he said that "mamao is pretty/cute", just to make me feel good about it. Am i arrogant to think i am in a high place in his heart to deserve the most love and treated right by him though he is not oblige to give me or please me, since it's only me that think that he'll give me happiness. eventually. "He's still not mature enough to consider or deal some things," that's what i tell myself every time i couldn't get his affection, or am i just blaming him. Most of the time i would just blame myself, telling myself that i probably want too much from him, it's things he can't give me.

I can't have a hug, or a kiss, or any words of comfort.

cannot mamao.

no mamao no.

no.