Cutting away

Queer Sweet Romance

After i left leon all depressed and stuff, i dragged my mentally tired and guilt ridden body to Bear bear house. I was expecting some scolding, but instead, he just wrapped me up with his embrace and that irritating smirk he always like to have on his face but that totally reassured me somehow. It was so warm, though i was being a nuisance by not sleeping at night time, but he still kept me all comfy and warm, with me still moving and crawling all over the place at night. (I'm still NOCTURNAL BABY!)

Well, thanks to me, he didn't get to sleep. (And got kinda ill... >_<) i got to sleep a bit though somehow...

He is willing to cut down smoking with me though, willing to quit too, but i don't expect that much of him. But at least he's kind enough to move away to smoke. I just hope he be more decent and I'll be glad and happy. I got him to finish his noms and not waste money by walking to places though~ And he accompanied me all the way home too and still worried for me after that he left.

We talked about stuff that worries me, he didn't seem to have that big reaction as he has on sms/FB/phone. I'm glad. All he does is want me to be safe and happy with him. He's trying, though not helping sometimes, since he sucks in his speech...(Stop swearing and it'll help a whole lot!)

He's stern and strict somewhat, gentle somewhat, but still i felt his warmth.

How so...that mean and such an ass.... too be such a warm and sweet self that i love so much....

*self confusion*

I love the affectionate him.

Sorry Leon...Sorry Starfish....Sorry friends...

I can't help myself...

CONFUSED AND PISSED OFF!!

Am i going to continue to lie to myself to create that fucking illusion i have of my life or AM I FUCKING GOING TO TURN BACK TO REALITY AND GET MY LIFE BACK?!

I don't even know if i am lying to myself any longer.

I'm confused and i clearly know i SUCK at decision making in any kind of way, so ya i didn't do anything.

Sure, i can just waltz myself in the clear the mess up. But as it seems, it's not as easy as it is for me! My emotions got tied up and well i just 'went with the flow', so now, I PANIC when i finally realized that i am lost in somewhere i am totally uncomfortable with and don't recognize my way back at all.

Now i just got myself thrown into this mess and now i hate myself to find that i have my emotional strings attached everywhere that i cannot break. I'm going crazy...what can i do now...what should i do now? I'm so confused and i have NO ONE to help me at all. I feel like crying, it's futile but what else can i do to at least ease my pain? I caused so much pain to so many that i love...I feel more like a sin than a lover...

Now i felt in debt instead of love.

In my lifetime, till now at least, i fell in love with 3 guys.

3...that i still in contact with, 3 of them were/is my boyfriend, 3 i cried for, 3 of them i now feel totally in debt to and guilty to, 3 that i cannot bear myself to hurt anyone of them, 2 of them i gave myself to, 2 i used as a band-aid for another's pain, 2 of them that i find so difficult to let go even till now, 1 i attempted suicides for and 1 that i thought and think that i could love him forever for...

I feel hopeless.

I need a feeling of extreme pain and a haircut now. Anything else, i can't say and i don't deserve anything of that sort now...

"LOOK WHAT U DID AGAIN YOU STUPID CAT!"

I wonder what is wrong with me. Why do my Nostalgic and Emotional Self always gets the better of me hurting the one whom i love?

Why?

Now he's upset again and is ignoring me (or maybe he's asleep already), but it just gets me really scared. Since he decided to post some things on his FB that's really threatening...

i really need something like that old song "给我一杯忘情水"...OK i fail in joking i admit...but yeah...

*sigh*

It's gonna be another long sleepless night...