CONFUSED AND PISSED OFF!!

Am i going to continue to lie to myself to create that fucking illusion i have of my life or AM I FUCKING GOING TO TURN BACK TO REALITY AND GET MY LIFE BACK?!

I don't even know if i am lying to myself any longer.

I'm confused and i clearly know i SUCK at decision making in any kind of way, so ya i didn't do anything.

Sure, i can just waltz myself in the clear the mess up. But as it seems, it's not as easy as it is for me! My emotions got tied up and well i just 'went with the flow', so now, I PANIC when i finally realized that i am lost in somewhere i am totally uncomfortable with and don't recognize my way back at all.

Now i just got myself thrown into this mess and now i hate myself to find that i have my emotional strings attached everywhere that i cannot break. I'm going crazy...what can i do now...what should i do now? I'm so confused and i have NO ONE to help me at all. I feel like crying, it's futile but what else can i do to at least ease my pain? I caused so much pain to so many that i love...I feel more like a sin than a lover...

Now i felt in debt instead of love.

In my lifetime, till now at least, i fell in love with 3 guys.

3...that i still in contact with, 3 of them were/is my boyfriend, 3 i cried for, 3 of them i now feel totally in debt to and guilty to, 3 that i cannot bear myself to hurt anyone of them, 2 of them i gave myself to, 2 i used as a band-aid for another's pain, 2 of them that i find so difficult to let go even till now, 1 i attempted suicides for and 1 that i thought and think that i could love him forever for...

I feel hopeless.

I need a feeling of extreme pain and a haircut now. Anything else, i can't say and i don't deserve anything of that sort now...