Depression had been killing my attention again and again, making my mood even worse each time i notice my errors. yesterday i went work, no graphic tablet so apparently i left it home. No wallet....dat's still ok, since i can skip lunch if i want to. (my colleague lent me moolah though so i can eat for the day). Then no keys, so i got locked outside the house for 2hrs until kach rushed back just to pass me her keys to let me in (i feel so bad about it =<) .
Not only the lack of attention, i even lost my sense of judgement. While we were argueing, i was at the point of saying something like, "FINE! THEN DUN BOTHER, DUN TALK TO ME ANYMORE!! I HATE YOU!!" But i didn't. I stopped myself. I don't want to say anything i will regret. I mean i am already pissed off with him, it should be the limit anymore and i shouldn't push it more or the thing i fear about losing him might happen. ="< But i am dead scared of it happening. It scares me even more knowing dat it will happen if i can't control my emotions properly.
Sure i become hostile when i am upset, but i never want to be alone this way and i mean it literally. (hugs are so hard to get
The argument are ugly though and it really hurts me to feel either dat i am inadequate or that i just don't matter as much to him as i feel he is to me. I feel dat he doesn't pay as much attention to my fears while he feels dat i dun give him enough breathing space. It turns out dat i am scaring myself out even more when i feel dat taking away his breathing space will eventually make him break away from me.
arghhh, so confused, though we already made up after we calmed down without anything resolved. =< i dun want to deal with this fear, unsure-ness and tears alone. But i did appreciate he finally is able to just simply accompany me until i fall asleep.
Bloody distance. if it wasn't for it i wouldn't mind him doing something else other than attending to me. since he can simply still pat me and hug me while he still hand his hand on the keyboard since he can turn around and look at me as and when he wants...not need al tab, no need "eh wait ah", no need "oi oi oi oi oi oi o i MACCC!!" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........
"it takes two hands to clap" - this applies to LDR's a lot. I know it's impossible to stay positive at times but you just have to do it. And it takes time to get used to it. I watched heaps of drama series to get through this so I am sure you can too.
ReplyDeleteGood luck guys, remember, always let each other know your whereabouts and keep in touch as often as possible (what's app is a good one).
- the person who has been through LDR's (Mewsh, you will know who I am. *pats kitty*)