Mewsh, a waste of time...

Feeling down lately, even worse today...

Again and again, those words resounding in my head....
that I'm a waste of time, waste of efforts
that I'm just one to be hated by others
that I'm one who does not deserve the least respect

How can human love be so....fragile. Human thoughts being so manipulative.
Feelings, being so weak.

Seeing that it's true....that life....is harsh, poems and love are fake, being them simply binded by time, effort and money...

I just feel disapointed that I'm just part of it all...yet not realising it. That I'm played with so much....I lost myself whole heartedly into this fantasy i've built, thinking that money and tme doesn't matter, because 'love' will be stronger. But love, it seems, to be only just a word in the dictionary.

Love: any object of warm affection or devotion
(is that even true?)

A word to be replaced with money and time and...limited efforts....

limited....

why?

I've heard so much in fairytale, that the prince will save the princess eventually and live happily ever after...that's all fake....isn't it? The prince, if he can't save her beyond every of his efforts, beyond all the time he spent thinking and trying, he'll be intending to leave her forever there alone, stuck inside her own castle....right?

What else I'm i looking forward to now?

I cried, i begged, i forced him to save me...but is that right? What I'm doing....is that right at all? Is it wrong that I'm loving him, purely with that affection and devotion to just be by his side, to want him to comfort me whenever i am down doing the same vice versa and wanting us to forgive each other over and over again because i just love him like that.

Is that impossible?

Is it so painful really, that one suicide attempt can just force him away....if the princess attempts to jump off her castle, the prince will find his efforts in vain and simply walk away.

I'm so confused.

Even though I'm willing to give up now. i could even kill myself again...now.
Yet....
I'm stopping myself. I want him to be happy....

But in a way, after i did it yesterday, he was upset, why?

I thought i was a waste of his time, as he repeated his words again yesterday after the attempt failed.

Why was he upset? I thought he wanted to ignore me forever, ignoring my efforts to even apologise for what i've done...only managed to talk to him that morning, calling his house several times, until his mother left the house and he picked up the phone. Even his mother hung the call on me a few times, knowing that I'm calling....It hurts so much....

Wouldn't it be better that i disappear? Then i would not be that 'waste of time n efforts'

How can i tell him?

That i don't want to be wasting his time and efforts, that i want to force myself to leave him and the world by doing that?

How??

He won't listen to me at all....

How to tell him, without him ignoring me, without him getting upset with me, without him eventually leaving my side?

How to explain him that i wanted so badly for him to forgive me more than anyone else?

I don't expect him to smile at me ever again. I just hope he can understand why I'm hurt. I just wanted him to forgive me for making him upset, i wanted to him to know how much i love him and would go so far so that he wouldn't suffer from me anymore.

I do deserve anyone being like this, it's so hard to change knowing that i have nothing NOTHING at all for people to love me for who i am.

I don't even have the confidence to meet him again after doing so much to get him pissed off. i tried to killed myself, i cried, i held onto him, kneeling down begging him in public only to hear him to tell me to go away, go to school then he'll be proud of me, he have to go home...he has somewhere much more important than me.

He told me to stand up on my own. My question is how?

Knowing no one will be there holding me up, knowing I'm just that waste of affection, time and money....how?

My friend told me, I'm hurting everyone by doing that. I can call them Whenever i want to. For how long? how much? what's the limit? I wanted to ask, so much....

I feel so lost now being still alive, plus the fact that i promised him i'll give my blades to him.

I still feel so lost n upset...

Why?