Locked and bored kitty.

It's been around 3 weeks since i last stepped out this house (Plus the fact that not even stepping out into the yard), has been killing me throughly inside. Looking at the pulled down curtains made me feel that kind of enclosure more.

How long since i last look up at the sky?

My life these few days only revolve around this room and phonecalls to Leon, which he always seemed to have not enough time for me. I agree, I'm pathetic.

Games never seemed to interest me long enough, since I get bored easily. My lack of presence made me feel invisible. But i guess it's a better way. No one will bother me, no one will tell me anything bad, no one will care if i suddenly begin to rot here and die.

Thinking about so many things lately, while locking myself in here. Most of them made me cry. I was crying so hard almost everyday, since i practically have nothing to do. But crying till i got sick is bad. I actually got headache one night and threw up till day time. I wonder what was left of my maggi supper after flushing them all down the toilet.

Well, actually, I didn't care to smile at all. Thinking back to things I've done wrong.

There's so many thing. Many are caused by my own stupidity. Like lying to my ex, even when we broke up. And getting guided away by strangers, gotten into many dangerous situation like that even though I'm not a kid anymore. (Have to run away everytime, but thank god i can run fast!) What else....Hmmm....yeah, not forgetting, those unforgettable scenes where i was trying to kill myself. I've tried cutting, hanging, and well...i almost jumped off the balcony as well.

Thinking back, everything to now. I'm still living thanks to my friends. (Not saying family, as they are the TOP OF THE LIST of: 'Why i need to kill myself' list.)

Well, there's still a lot of times, people just get mad at me and tell me reasons i don't see how i can comprehend. Like you know what my parents hate me for? My mother said that I'm hateable because i act 'mysteriously'. I don't see how I'm doing that. I just quiet most of the time and do things on my own. And KC got angry with me just because I got on the bus before she did. First and Foremost, she didn't tell me to wait or anything. Secondly, she ignored me when i was apologising. I dun see the point why she does it and I'M ALREADY APOLOGISING, what does she want? And then people always tell me to stop crying and stuff. I don't seen why they just don't let me finish, since I will automatically calm down later. Like, I don't eat when I get upset. What they tell me are, if i don't eat they'll ignore me. Well, ya....go ahead. I don't really care. Since i already feel this very big gap wth people who ever used that to threaten me.

Yeah, I take stuff pretty seriously, especially when people use that. I've cried so many times, because i 'break the rule' so thinking that people will ignore me forever. In the end, seeing them laughing at me because I take it seriously and that it is not threatening. Ok, now I'm the laughing stock. I'm a laughing stock because i thought him/her is going to ignore me forever.

Tell me if i make sense.

I really don't know what the hell is in these humans' heads lately. Holidays are probably screwing mine it seems.

gawd...

I need a hug.