Kitty no longer believes of hope and truth...

Recently i realized of the fact that I sometimes, i can be quite an annoyance, while trying to 'be myself'.
I've been compared, criticized, disliked, disgusted and hated by people i love. So i wonder at times, If i should even 'be myself'. When people don't like me that way, and that if i 'change' myself, would that still be me, or somebody else?

I was told by a person many times, like this.
"So what if you can draw or that if you looked all pretty? You're just so rotten inside."
I don't have to state who, but you'll probably guessed, if you're someone who knows me well. (i hate him as hell.)

I don't get it. But it simply killed my pride, again and again, until i have nothing left to stand for. Left with only that empty shell, that tries to ignore those words again and again in failure.

It's contradicting, of whatever people tell me, and what ever my family tells me. just too confusing for me to comprehend. I'm just 'stupid' u know?

Leon cried because of that.
I once dazed out while being depressed and shot him with questions. (sadly to say, i was pretty calm that time, it shocked him.) Questions of 'If I am loved at all?', 'If i am hated?', 'Why does he tells me that, trying the whole time to convince me that I'm just rotten dirty slut and not even worthy to live in HIS house?'.

That's not my home you know? That room decorated with red roses n webs, posters, endless mangas, novels and dolls. The smell of lavender and scents of floral perfume with a tinge of green tea smell from the bathroom...

That does not belong to me.

That's what he tells me. I don't belong there at all.

I was known lately that even his wife and daughter are playing mind games with me. Secretly saying (in obvious tones), that I'm a slut, a liar and an outcast. I'm not just saying this... and i don't need to elaborate now, but...you probably already know how...

So what i have a lover? So what if I'm too smart for my own good? So what if I'm quiet and an introvert? So what if i love to bleed and hurt myself to find redemption?
I never did anything to bother them at all.

I'm just tired.

Tired of standing up, and in need of peace.
No more doubts,
no more arguments,
no more hatred,

Well, I wonder if that's possible.