Kitty Loves Mango Pudding and YOU knows it!

Pogi ko

2012-01-08T15:53:00.001+08:00

Other then forcing myself to work for moolah and school for dat BA degree cert, I stand before my laptop each day staring at screen blindly as i lose my senses and my will as human to be a mmo elf each play. playing my life in another world as i slowly begin to give up on reality as such.

As mentioned in my last post i had given up on love or ever believing dat i will fall for a man again.

Least dat i have expected, this turn to took to go back into gaming and my nerdy life would land my heart on yet another gamerboi. i seriously wonder what's from with me, is dat such little will power i have?

Not as before

2011-07-19T02:06:00.003+08:00

You guys already know, i am not as innocent, not as girly, not as romantic, not as caring as before. Hurt, sick and tired of always trying to cater to everyone's needs, wants and rubbish, which really took a toll on me. I always wondered what actually happened and eventually puts the blame on myself, as i am someone who believes in creating my OWN future instead of waiting for what the future can give me.

What can i do, to feel safe now? I used to just feel safe by just hugging, but eventually that was no more. I got insecure and somewhat my feelings were blocked, making me stay in a null mode.

FUCKING HATE U LAPPY SENSOR MOUSE....WHY U DISTURB ME TYPE AND PISS ME OFF?!!

My insecurities kept me in fear, made me upset and i feel so much not in control of many things.

I cannot believe or trust anyone or anything. Which is kinda sad. ARGHHHH

OI ENOUGH HORH!! I MEAN IT!! NOW...HOW DO I DISABLE THIS SHIT??

ok...disabled...back to the topic...

Yeah...it is prolly i gave out too much romantic feelings and there is NON left in me. Hohoho~ men to me = NOTHING. Seriously, i could just change and have a girlfriend/pedophile if i want, but mind u i am no lesbian. I would just be with the person once i believe that i have the need to care for them.

So now my love = EXTREME CARE.

Not sure if i am ever gonna develop any romantic feelings ever again, but i am happy with the love that i have now. Even though i might not have that heart pumping excitement when i am with him, at least i feel secure enough that he will try not to hurt me (as much).

Mewwww...>.< pokes waist

2011-06-01T04:06:00.002+08:00

Which should i be more worried of??
The unbalance distribution of fats or that slight (abnormal) curve of the spine towards the left of my waist... >.<

Actual...i think more or less accurate (from what i remember it being like) illustration.

Leh-BITTTT

2011-05-18T14:16:00.003+08:00

Saw little again, it's still in my jungle like garden. See how comfy it looks nested in there. Tell you a secret, it actually lets me touch it now~!! Such a darling little thing, i think it knows i mean no harm. I can carry it with 1 arm and it doesn't struggle. *proud*

Not gonna catch it today since my bf's not coming over, by keeping it, father will grrr at me. So let's wait until he does then, hopefully 2moro. =)

It's gonna rain now though, i wonder if it's gonna be ok outside, or issit gonna hide under some car again.

Another cute photo of the stray leh-bit today~♥:

Cute?? =)

It actually sits on my lap calmly~

Rabbit appeared again!!♥

2011-05-17T16:49:00.002+08:00

Took a picture of it~ Cute huh~!!♥

The bunny was here for lunch though...i think it's on it's way to become one with the wilderness. it's becoming a strayyyyy...totally should catch it and give it to my bf so that it can be domestic again. Cute fat bunneh...till the next time i see you again, will be missing you~!!

Got to carry it again though...see how fat it ish compared to me \(≧w≦)/

Kitty's day

2011-05-17T01:55:00.003+08:00

Another extra day out with my Bao bei again, but he seems pretty tired though. Kept yawning and dozing off while getting his van repaired. we went to the pasar malam (night market) today though, got lots of good food and snacks, then again...he dropped dead asleep on cam...*stares at him*

I guess he was really tired out due to his work again. Oh wells...

Well, i heard the bunny came back again though. My sister, having eeky bunny hunting skills, tried to catch it, failed badly when the bunny scratched her and ran away. Ah wells, I'll try to catch it the next time i see it. =) *gives out evil bunny hunting aura* Oh cutsey cutsey bunnehhhhh...

Finished on Uccello Fatale's main team (Emyth Zandra) today will continue to finish Chiyo tomorrow. XDD

Chromaggia - Psyche - Raven

Currently watching anime: Lovely Complex

Kinda entertaining though, since it's a love comedy. Comedies are awesome, with that touch of sweetness. Recommending you guys to watch it too~!!

Funny Bunny

2011-05-16T00:48:00.003+08:00

Should start blogging again because i am bored. Anyways, first reviving blog post:

A bunny found at my house yard when i reached home today.

My bf took noticed of it first and was like "there's a rabbit at ur house."

Caught it and carried it into the house until father told me to throw it out back into the yard again and leave it alone. It was a cute, fat (not to say heavy) bunny though. ♥

Chased after it around the yard for these piccies until it escaped to the neighbor's place when Roi (my pet dog) took noticed of it.

My bf say if i catch it again, give it to him to keep. Just now he say no want keep cause he thinks bunny might be smelly. But no leh...i bao it. my shirt no smelly. So....yarh neighbour's house....will try to get it back though. My bf say his sister might want, since it no smelly, can keep ba. =D

Bunny so damned cute~♥ *swoons*

Kitty print screen messages

2011-05-14T01:48:00.003+08:00

So i guess i am alone? So...

My chat log on msn. on Friday the 13th of may 2011 GMT+8
Mewsh = me, as u humans know.

I guess what he says did me justice. But...i dunno...some part of it makes me feel that i am sinful still. After what i did in my past, i am sure i hurt many others with that arrogance and selfishness i have. *sigh*

But am sure i have no wrong, no regrets.

Kitty had a l♥vey day~!

2011-05-09T05:37:00.012+08:00

Went out with my Bao bei today, being lovely dovey and all. Good food, good place to rest, good kisses and he even let me trimmed his eyebrows. Hehe...

It's all so comfy with him, it always makes me so sleepy and calm. There were no quarrels, just random chat and discussions that made me reassured again and again that i can trust him and love him more.

Just have to draw this to vent my overwhelming love for him~

A portrait of me and my love ♥ I bet we'll be having small eyes babies in the future. Hahaha...

Yes i intend to like end up with him in marriage eventually.

=)

Reply to Sandra's comment: Thanks couz~! =) I'll try to give it my all in design comm. but in regards to animation, i can self-teach. I know a good advance animation book that i will be able to use to gain instant access to disney like animation. Just have to find it and dig it out when i go to the bookstores.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Animator%27s_Survival_Kit
For character animation
and...

This is a very cool effects book I've read and it has a guide to do like traditional 2d animation liquid-like animations for water/fire/wand sparkles effects. U should dig it out somewhere and read it too~! It's a really awesome book!! =D

*wants vol2 too* (saves monehhh*

Kitty hoping not to regret...

2011-05-04T02:50:00.002+08:00

I hope i won't regret on giving up on further animation studies and pursue fine arts related field studies...

Well u guys may have known, i gave up on continuing pursuing on animation and took up a design comm course which has more link to contemporary fine arts really than animation or film.

Suddenly i dunno what is right anymore. Very confused, but still...i love animating a lot. But i wanted to pursue something which i can understand how my artwork affects others. Maybe i could input that magic from animation into contemporary arts itself. And i kinda wanna make it happen. i know i love drawing...pursuing anything that allows me to do that will be enough to keep me happy. But I'm kinda nervous and scared now, picking up something new. I am kinda like a freshman when it comes to fine arts itself. Honestly, i do not like it very much, the modern arts. But somewhat, i have the urge to want to "overtake" the current trends + understanding how an art form can affect another human. Thus...i picked up the current path...

Still somewhat...i feel kinda sad for it because i really really love animation and film studies.

Somewhat...somehow...i hope i can make it. Turning my path to contemporary arts but still WITH my animation input.

I will not give up my 5 years old dream, back in 1995...my dream to become a cartoonist and an artist. I hope that everyone will lend me their love and support for me to achieve that.

I seriously need that backup courage that i lacked badly.

Damned...i am so emotionally bad when it comes to adapting.|

*scardy cat*

29th March: Grandpa just passed away

2011-03-31T12:10:00.002+08:00

Days when we were stupid kids, our dear Grandpa will always bring us out for tikam or icecream on his old trusty motorcycle.

We will miss you for everything. T-T

Rest in Peace, we naughty kids will grow up to be awesome adults, you wait and see.

I'm not selfish, it's just that i believe in a fair trade.

2011-03-28T14:36:00.005+08:00

These days, since i've been pretty much free at home doing artwork. There had been some form of request for me to do art. AND all these humans EXPECTING ME to do it for free. I'm not a selfish person, but first i have to say, i believe in a fair trade.

Let's see: YOU never invited me out anymore for at least 1 year or more (simply to say u totally forgot about me), never treated me anything, never chat with me, never have concern with my life, never even will call me for your wedding dinner etc etc. What in my position to do things for you for free?

Well, to you i may look selfish. But who's the selfish one? You let me do things for you for free, while i starve eating Instant noodles everyday, feeding on MSG, feeding on Coffee to boost my brains, travel out to get my EXPENSIVE art materials just for your work etc etc and i get nothing...NOT EVEN A SINGLE "THANKS" at least. OK, maybe just one thanks, then you disappear again from my life until u need something from me again. FREE.

So what if you don't have the "TALENT" to do something, it took me 16 years to perfect what (my artwork skills) i have now. I don't see why i have to starve and give you something. I just earned 2k from my boyfriend for work and now it's draining away for you humans. This is kinda like my breakin' point already, as you humans might have known. i am not that rich, and i already lost like 3kg in the last few months. I AM UNDERWEIGHT NOW, YOU FOOL AND U STILL WANNA MAKE ME STARVE?? DAMNED.

Even my BF pays me for my work, i don't see why u as my friends can't.

Friends from dA, Facebook and reality, understand my plight.

"But BEWARE of people trying to take advantage of you. Many people want things for free and this is too much to ask for sometimes. When you are starting out free is understandable, but eventually you will reach a point where your computer will break, your car needs gas, and your camera is expensive and you will realize free means you don't have any money to do it anymore. So once you get good start charging!"
(Quoted from Apri1)

It's because i feel that you're my friend that i do something for you, FOC. If you never treated me as one, have some humanity.

At least, gimme a meal.

Kitty rants about history...

2011-03-15T19:33:00.003+08:00

Pretty much come and go, my love life churning and turning around and around. I tired, seriously given up on men. I'm no longer a man-hungry teenager, no longer have the need to survive for those who don't appreciate or respect me and my life.

I don't know what I'm saying now is actually right. There's always gray lines, so what i say may not be entirely true.

My ex-es have disrespected me or my life, you my readers had seen these in your eyes through my blog, through my life itself. I'm tired of crying, tired of dying and EXTREMELY TIRED of feeling guilty. I've lived my life trusting who i shouldn't trust and i need not it happening again. I have given so much in return to just cry in the dark, WHAT THE HELL?? It hurts me even more that they have no guilt for themselves and it totally URKS me to see them trying to make themselves the hero of their story. Even though they might or might not know it, they always have some scheme up in their hands to exert pressure and guilt on me. Making me the guilty party, the 'bad girl'. Each and every time, the breakup turned out to be something their peers will KILL me about. "She should die, she does not deserve you." I'm not blind ya' know? I still have eyes and stop making it public that I'm a slut. Maybe i should die. But i am sure, being the one that dumped them, they do not deserve me. It's like keeping a pet, if you don't have the heart to love and take care of it properly, DON'T. Sheesh.

I have the rights to love whomever i want and dump whoever that disrupts my life. Life's harsh, just take it in. If you still think you have no wrong, you shouldn't even talk to me right now. Though I might be at fault, I'm sure SOMETHING triggered it, ya know.

My current boyfriend loves me, respected me and even more encouraged me for everything i do. I do not feel the pressure of age, occupation nor education status. Though he couldn't speak English well, though he knows NIL about art. I find nothing to dislike him. He made me understand more about myself, understand there should not be such pressure upon our relationship. He makes me feel that i need to even more improve myself in whatever ways and it will not cause any pressure in our relationship, more aiding then failing actually. He's pretty much ok with my friends and thinks that Ah Muis is amusing <3.

I am happy.

I will even more happy if my past stop haunting me though, every time just wanting me to feel guilty that i have dumped a joke of my life. Stop talking about him, stop stalking my blogs and online networks if you don't want to get hurt, stop talking about me with MY PEERS and my dear friends, please just ignore them. THEY ARE NOT 100% correct ya know. I love you humans more than any men you know that and will gladly kick them aside so we can be together always.

Don't know what else to rant about...and oh!

Stop crying for lord's sake. It's not going to get my sympathy even if you die in front of me, being the cold-hearted self i am. Not even for Japan's recent disaster. Pfft.

Kitty's message to mah haters

2011-02-23T01:11:00.003+08:00

Sexy Lacy Demon.

Lacy's kinda like my spirit of revenge to my haters *laugh*
I'm AN ARTIST. I'm not gonna swear or fight like a hooligan, this is what i do and what i like to do.

damned. <3

colored: http://lapin-de-fou.deviantart.com/art/Lacy-Demon-198538203

This is a drawing, with a message to my haters.

I have nothing against you, you're probably a ranting idiot. I'm a bitch, and still have my stand that i am cute, sexy, smart and talented, while you're just a useless idiot who just wanna get angry at me while i am having fun trampling your ego with my sexy S-curve everywhere.

So, there... you go.
TASTE MY ALL LACED EVIL SEXIFIED PANSU YOU SISSY BIA-TCH!!! WOOTS!!

我没什么想跟讨厌我的人生气，反而，能让我侮辱你我可是觉得是游戏噢~

我还是看待自己是可爱美丽性感的天才，而对我来说生气的你可是一个只是给我娱乐的笨蛋。玩玩你，撕烂你的自尊心可是我近来无聊时必须的娱乐，我只好用个性感S舞姿感谢你给我解闷。

所以，这是我画给你的。
舔舔我邪恶力量的蕾丝性感内裤吧！！

http://personaldna.com/

2011-02-09T17:23:00.000+08:00

http://personaldna.com/

You are a Cautious Visionary
about you: You are a Visionary

Your imagination, self-assuredness, and knowledge of the world combine to make you a VISIONARY.

You have clear notions of how things could be, and the confidence to try to make them that way.

You enjoy having a routine, and prefer comfort and familiarity to risk and adventure.

Not needing others' approval to forge ahead, you are confident in your designs for the future.

Your imagination allows you to envision the world as a better place.

You're better at thinking of the big picture than you are with details, and you can see wonder in abstract things.

Style and appearances are important to you, and you have a good eye for beauty.

You are somewhat rigid in your beliefs, which comes from both confidence and an aversion to change.

You are good at creating works of art in forms with which you're familiar.

Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You much prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute. Your decisions are well thought out, and you're not the least bit impulsive.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:

Appreciate the earthly, functional elements of things.

Your clarity of vision sometimes prevents you from being open to new ideas. Try expanding your horizon of experiences, and experimenting with novel ways of doing things.

how you relate to others

You are Cautious

Being independent, practical, and somewhat guarded with others makes you CAUTIOUS.

You tend to keep to yourself, wary of trusting others with personal information.

The values that you hold are central to your identity—you are a very principled person.

You have respect for the natural order of things, and a good sense of right and wrong.

Investigating the world through observation, as opposed to interaction, is preferable to you.

You have an appreciation for those who have attained a certain level of accomplishment, particularly the rare few who have succeeded honestly.

You are efficient—when you work with others, you get down to business, and fulfill your obligations.

You sometimes wish that others would be more like you—less hindered by their emotions, more respectful, and more private.

If you want to be different:

Finding a few close others whom you can trust will allow you to express yourself more openly, and possibly to learn more about yourself.

Your Personal DNA Maps (Above)

Here are personalDNA maps that uniquely represent your personality. Mouse over any part of the box or strip to learn more about the traits that the colors represent.

Your Personality Chart

»Glossary of Traits

This chart shows thirteen personality traits. Each bar indicates the percentage of test takers who entered a lower value for that trait than you did. For example, if Confidence is at 80, that means that 80% of people entered lower values for confidence questions than you did. Based on a sample of 30,000 users. Click here to learn more about the traits.

Confidence	Low High	68
Openness	Low High	2
Extroversion	Low High	16
Empathy	Low High	22
Trust in others	Low High	4
Agency	Low High	62
Masculinity	Low High	74
Femininity	Low High	94
Spontaneity	Low High	2
Attention to style	Low High	88
Authoritarianism	Low High	92
Earthy/Imaginative	Imaginative Earthy	64
Aesthetic/Functional	Functional Aesthetic	66

Kitty's health not getting any better during CNY

2011-02-09T15:26:00.000+08:00

NOM NOM Fuud fuud and moar fuud~!!

Resulting now that the over heaty-ness in my body, that now i have a bloody sorethroat and i mean it literally since there's signs of blood in the phlegm. Poor me.

At least now my life is happier with my boyfriend. =D Who always looks out and cares for me, with me as his first interest of life. We're been together for like a month plus now and we never had any argument. *CHEERS* Well there was tears a few time, when i was having some gastric problems and almost fainted (+ almost fell off vehicle while doing that)while vomiting out my gastric juices + blood. He cried as he thought i was going to die. (=.=") Then got me to nom herbal meds everyday ever since and so i am healthy now again i guess....more or less.

What a hot day it is today. And I'm plainly blogging because i am bored and want to try out if that tumblr thing is working here. If you're interested, here's the link.
http://kittylovespudding.tumblr.com/(I'm making it as a artblog though with some other random stuff with feeds from blogger (here) as well. WOOTS.

Here's a pic of me and my darling @ Marina Bay. =3

I think that's it for now!

Happy Lunar New Year in the year of the Hare~!!

Happy Lunar New Year Humans!!

2011-02-07T14:35:00.000+08:00

Good luck in the year of the Hare!!
And May i have a smooth sailing and Moolah$-full new year!! XDDD

FINALLY KITTY GOT HER FLUFFINESS ALL STRAIGHTENED AGAIN!!

2011-01-20T11:07:00.000+08:00

YAY work ended and all. I finally got to the saloon to save my hair.
So now i look SHOOOoooo AWESOME i can sweep u guys down with my awesomeness if i want to...OH HO HO HO...

My health is deteriorating thanks to my gastric, which is forbidding me from much acidic food or i will throw up every bit of food i eat. OH BYE BYE COFFEE, TEA AND SPICINESS....T-T

I still take a lil but people are just forbidding me to touch those food and now i am sad. :(

Hmmm...what else i shall say huh....i think i'll reserve it till i blog next time...OH OH...

PAYCHECK!! 2k~!♥

Kitty moves on...

2011-01-04T16:46:00.000+08:00

Finally i can breathe, though it painful. At least i finally have a sense of relieve.

YOU ARE A TOTAL SCUMBAG!
i see it now.

I'm moving on...but my revenge has not ended yet.

My last message to him...

2010-12-20T20:17:00.000+08:00

我爱你，对不起。让你最近一直痛苦，辛苦你了。
不懂是不是结束了，但我想我们不会在联络了，是吗？

那么，这次就真的跟老公你告别吧。

谢谢你给我的一切。

在你等下回信来确定分手时，我会把你电话号码跟所有在信箱讯息删除掉。我不会再联络你，今晚也不想接你电话。要联络就讯息来，要不要回信我看看再说。

i guess...i think...it finally ended.

Sense of Pain with a sense of relieve, my love and my nightmare ended in a flash...
Can i deal with it...again?

Obsessed over Gorillaz

2010-12-13T19:02:00.000+08:00

It serves as a good distraction, currently...

A Jamie Hewlett and Gorillaz inspired self portrait...
Murdoc = ♥

Me at Point Nemo, Plastic Beach

"Just Want You To Know"

2010-11-30T07:25:00.000+08:00

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

Thanks for the song, it made me nod and cry.

Kitty gets cut on face...

2010-11-17T03:41:00.000+08:00

Have a random cut that appeared below my lips and it hurts! (Since it is bleeding) Suspected that i am cut by a paranormal creature.

ToT

破象了啦！

Finally a "I love you"...

2010-11-08T16:01:00.000+08:00

I waited so long and prayed so hard for it. And i waited till this day that i finally get it. (Through IM-ing, sadly to say) But i guess i should be satisfied.

But these days thanks to the jealously of a 15 years old "美女", my patience had been drove to the limit!

I'm EXTREMELY frustrated and very tired.

*sigh*

Think I'm dying soon...

Kitty gets heart pain and PHAIL health

2010-10-19T00:31:00.000+08:00

Well, i meant it literally now. All these stressing and failing of health is making me have some slight heart pain. ARGH...truthfully, i am scared that it's not just happening in my head...sigh...Then WTF-ing ppl like to MAKE me upset. LIKE THAT ZHU in her rebellious age, makes me feel like slapping her in the brains/boobs. ARGH...bimbos + bitch...so hard to like settle with it...

Other than that, it's just random Resident Evil-ing....(Playing RE3) and getting stuck at slug + not being able to kill nemesis. I fail big time...

AH wells. Bear bear is treating me well these days and opening up much. Showing his sweet side to me bit by bit, like a lemonade = Sour + sweetness. HAhaha =3 Though he still is strict about me not sleeping early and such, but he's not screaming at me as he used to. He's toning down and getting softer and softer day by day. It makes me so relieved and comfy to be with him and such.

Am loving him more and more, bit by bit. <3

Cutting away

2010-10-12T21:57:00.000+08:00

Queer Sweet Romance

2010-10-12T02:54:00.000+08:00

After i left leon all depressed and stuff, i dragged my mentally tired and guilt ridden body to Bear bear house. I was expecting some scolding, but instead, he just wrapped me up with his embrace and that irritating smirk he always like to have on his face but that totally reassured me somehow. It was so warm, though i was being a nuisance by not sleeping at night time, but he still kept me all comfy and warm, with me still moving and crawling all over the place at night. (I'm still NOCTURNAL BABY!)

Well, thanks to me, he didn't get to sleep. (And got kinda ill... >_<) i got to sleep a bit though somehow...

He is willing to cut down smoking with me though, willing to quit too, but i don't expect that much of him. But at least he's kind enough to move away to smoke. I just hope he be more decent and I'll be glad and happy. I got him to finish his noms and not waste money by walking to places though~ And he accompanied me all the way home too and still worried for me after that he left.

We talked about stuff that worries me, he didn't seem to have that big reaction as he has on sms/FB/phone. I'm glad. All he does is want me to be safe and happy with him. He's trying, though not helping sometimes, since he sucks in his speech...(Stop swearing and it'll help a whole lot!)

He's stern and strict somewhat, gentle somewhat, but still i felt his warmth.

How so...that mean and such an ass.... too be such a warm and sweet self that i love so much....

*self confusion*

I love the affectionate him.

Sorry Leon...Sorry Starfish....Sorry friends...

I can't help myself...

CONFUSED AND PISSED OFF!!

2010-10-06T04:11:00.000+08:00

Am i going to continue to lie to myself to create that fucking illusion i have of my life or AM I FUCKING GOING TO TURN BACK TO REALITY AND GET MY LIFE BACK?!

I don't even know if i am lying to myself any longer.

I'm confused and i clearly know i SUCK at decision making in any kind of way, so ya i didn't do anything.

Sure, i can just waltz myself in the clear the mess up. But as it seems, it's not as easy as it is for me! My emotions got tied up and well i just 'went with the flow', so now, I PANIC when i finally realized that i am lost in somewhere i am totally uncomfortable with and don't recognize my way back at all.

Now i just got myself thrown into this mess and now i hate myself to find that i have my emotional strings attached everywhere that i cannot break. I'm going crazy...what can i do now...what should i do now? I'm so confused and i have NO ONE to help me at all. I feel like crying, it's futile but what else can i do to at least ease my pain? I caused so much pain to so many that i love...I feel more like a sin than a lover...

Now i felt in debt instead of love.

In my lifetime, till now at least, i fell in love with 3 guys.

3...that i still in contact with, 3 of them were/is my boyfriend, 3 i cried for, 3 of them i now feel totally in debt to and guilty to, 3 that i cannot bear myself to hurt anyone of them, 2 of them i gave myself to, 2 i used as a band-aid for another's pain, 2 of them that i find so difficult to let go even till now, 1 i attempted suicides for and 1 that i thought and think that i could love him forever for...

I feel hopeless.

I need a feeling of extreme pain and a haircut now. Anything else, i can't say and i don't deserve anything of that sort now...

"LOOK WHAT U DID AGAIN YOU STUPID CAT!"

2010-10-05T02:06:00.000+08:00

I wonder what is wrong with me. Why do my Nostalgic and Emotional Self always gets the better of me hurting the one whom i love?

Why?

Now he's upset again and is ignoring me (or maybe he's asleep already), but it just gets me really scared. Since he decided to post some things on his FB that's really threatening...

i really need something like that old song "给我一杯忘情水"...OK i fail in joking i admit...but yeah...

*sigh*

It's gonna be another long sleepless night...

A Nostalgic dream...

2010-10-05T01:12:00.000+08:00

Kitty tots...

2010-10-02T19:24:00.001+08:00

Kitty and Bear Bear's one LAST chance...

2010-10-02T01:49:00.001+08:00

I know this totally sounds silly of me, but I'm going to make a promise to myself here. Something i will definitely keep, and if i don't i BEG ALL OF YOU to scold me and stop me or help me fulfill this promise by grabbing my phone.

Ok, I got back now with Bear bear, but it's going to be my last chance now since I'm the one who wanted to get back with him so i guess are the below are my retributions if this relationship is to fail a second and last time.

So ya, here we go...

If this relationship is to fail i will force myself to leave and forget about him no matter what. I will have no one but myself to blame because i accepted a bad-tempered, insensitive and penniless guy on my own accord. I will block his FB for real, delete his telephone number off my phone and together with every of his messages that i have stored in my phone so far. I will finally wash his shirt together with the feelings i have for him, leaving myself with pain so that i can torture myself it it.

I still think me and Bear bear would not last forever though, but as for how long we will last, i dunno, but i will cherish every moment i have of him till that break up happens that i MUST and WILL let go of him.

I hope everyone's clear and ok with the decision here.

*stabs self for torturing my emotions and my own love life*

PS: If that day ever happens, i will then once again call u ah dar when i am ready. (Though i still have the urge and habit to, DAMNED...i hate myself...)I'm sorry if u still feel that i treat you as a life buoy, but i really did and still cherish you. After this, i guess, i won't do it again, i give you my promise. Else you can stab me...

Kitty miss her Bear Bear!!

2010-10-01T03:16:00.000+08:00

Well, we quarreled again because i was crying over our past relationship. So he dumped me as he felt that i wasn't true to me.

It totally hurts. Though he's an idiot, that TOTALLY HURT ME!! (and now i can't sleep)

That day when he dumped me. Other than saying (like all the other guys i ever dated) that i was toying with the relationship and his feelings, he said that he didn't want to kiss me because my heart was with another and that made him not want to touch me. ARGHhhhh, HOW MUCH MORE OF A TOUCHE can he be?!!

He's mean, selfish, insensitive and has a HELL OF A JEALOUSY STREAK!! But he's very considerate, gentle and always looking out for me, though he's an idiot in dealing some things with me, because he doesn't really want to open up with me and it totally scares me. I actually miss this idiot though he scolded me mean-ly much. It's not as painful as then and yet...but i still miss him.

Oh shit.

Am i in love with him already? (But i do clearly know i have feelings developed for him already...but but Ah Foong Kor refused to let me contact him...damn it!)

BUT BUT...i am confused.

Well, the day i decided to put down my past, it came back to me. With the familiar warmness and it now freaks me out even more. I PANICKED! But but but...i did yearned to be back in that familiar embrace...but but...

- his problems about our relationship with his family is still not solved. ( AND I TOTALLY HATE THIS PROBLEM!! IT REALLY HINDERS ME AND MAKES ME VERY ANNOYED!! And he doesn't really do much about it~)

- Am scared he would still think i toy with ppl feelings, use ppl's feelings blah blah blah...

- I felt i should be putting my heart with that Bear bear since i am (was) with him.

So ya...even if i lets go of Bear bear, i dun see the point in going back to his embrace at this time to face the same thing that makes me go ARGHHhhh...I really dun see how my parents can accept him, while his family can't do the same. So ya. I am honestly saying that i am a family person as well and i do have concerns about it. It really hurts me to know i am like not accepted due to my looks/BG and not my personality. It just makes me very...annoyed and not appreciated.

(Ok i know i am childish now and all, but ya...)

So...so....what shoulds i do nowwwwwshhhh!!

*smacks wall*

The Pillar of my Life...

2010-09-29T14:53:00.000+08:00

"Don't be scared dar, No matter happens i will always love you, i will stay by your side till the end no matter how emo you get cuz you are my wife-to-be, loves you till the end of time, good night, sleep tight and sweet dreams"

These sweet tender words...i that couldn't get it out of my life. It brought me so much love, that it hurts so much now. It was the pillar of my life...

I happened to see it again last night and ended up crying again. I was so scared as reality struck me again and again. Am i really really gonna let go? Can i really really forget this love that held me up again and again during the lowest times of my life?

I don't know...

I called my brother and cried to him.

Though his words were firm, his tone was always gentle as usual. He don't even sound shocked when he caught this kitty crying for the first time. He said i might be treating my current bf as a substitute for the hole it my heart that was filled with the love i had for leon...that really hurts and it really scares me that that might be true. He told me to delete anything and everything i have of leon's but there's no way i think i can do that. That left me crying more as he used his little tactics to try calm me down.

It slowly got my crying to stop after an hour plus later. Calmed down enough to get tired and get back to bed again after 5am. That, i thank him so much.

I got up this today in the afternoon, still slightly gloomy. My bf messaged me asking what happened, i replied him with the cold hard truth that i was upset about my past relationship. He got upset and angry of course. Now kinda he shut me off a bit.

I guess I'll get back to him when i calmed down or maybe if he be nice to come comfort me, which i don't really see that coming. (He's not very sensitive to emotional stuff and tends to be an ass about it, argh)

So now i guess i would still spend my day emo-ing and stuffs.

*sigh*

Kitty's New Date...

2010-09-27T21:02:00.000+08:00

Well, i went out with my new bf today. As some of you may have known, but yeah, we went out today as our first date outta kem. Though our 'crush' feelings pretty much died down a bit for me, i still agreed to be his date. I don't know what's wrong with me but, well...i'm willing to give us a chance to go for it.

Well we met up a bit late today, since he was late n i found him smoking outside CS when we met. (I need to get him to quit that in time. But at least he is nice enough not to smoke in front of me.) We got to walk around and and i met my cousin while strolling (HOLY SHITS!!). I hope she does not spill the beans to my parents though. I still wants this to be low key from my parents until our relationship stabilized, or at least till i learn to 'love' him apart from just liking him.

After that we took a taxi back to his hometown and strolled around the place. He keeps making jokes that i look like a kid and that i am short. AH WELLS~ At least i look younger than he ishhhh. He kept teasing me the whole time, it got him smiling, so i didn't really take it too seriously. Though he din have any funny business around me, at least he kept our hands locked. First to me keep close to him and secondly to keep me out of trouble. Since i kept almost get myself knocked down by cars, as usual. We went to his friend's restaurant actually and they eventually started teasing him a bit and asked him to serve himself after they heard we're on a date. Poor thing.

After we left the restaurant after he really wasted on the noms (Well, it got on my nerves....BUT IT'S OUR FIRST DAY. I SHALL BE LINEAR...for once), we headed to the theater to watch a movie. We bought tickets to Resident Evil 4. (OH YUSH <3 <-- nerd ) Which we got a bit too early, so we went on strolling trips again, mainly hand in hand. I did give him a few cuddles in secluded places (din dared to do much other then cuddles since he doesn't seem to really want to be intimate much) where we stopped, but he had not much respond to my provocative-ness.

"Are u still afraid of me?" i asked him and he nodded. Well, though i am slightly upset but i could understand his feelings. At least, starting now, i could learn to go step by step with him. Well, at least he seemed to be agreeing when i said that he shouldn't be afraid of me since i am literally shorter and weaker than he is.

We got to watch a movie. It must be a weird experience i am sure, watching movie with a giggling fan girl of RE and sexy zombies. THE SCENE SHOTS ARE PERFECT, though i must say it's pretty predictable much since i have played thru' the game version. HUR. But yeah, sexy sexy SEXY! Though it is so damned obvious that the main characters are so gonna win the umbrella cooperation though Alice's back to being human thanks to Mr. Evil mastermind there.

Well, then during the movie, nothing really much happened. No kisses, just noming watching movie and him trying to keep me warm. He's been nagging that i may have a fever due to lack of sleep and i actually felt warm outside the theater, and threatened about not bringing me out next time if i push myself. ARGH. >.< Still, i managed to give him little pecks here and there to show my affection, he accepted by stroking my hair and my arms, and letting me nuzzle him. (He did not let me kiss his cheek or his lips. Kept on turning away on purpose or shyness or both...)

After the movie, he wasted the unfinished noms again. (I am so gonna cure him of this. WASTING FOOD IS BAD HABIT!!) We strolled a bit more then hailed a taxi so he could get me back to CS so i could go home. The whole time though he was quiet, i think he noticed that I'm starting to have a headache too and just started his threatening about not bringing me out next time because he has to worry about too many things. Well, i just smiled, i was actually so glad he cared.

I can see he likes me a lot. He took the keychain with his name and another girl's off his handphone already and guess what, his wallpaper is a very nice picture of us together! He now actually let me look at his handphone while he's using it and actually told me who called and such when his phone started ringing. Though there's no goodbye kiss as well after i left the taxi (so ya, no kissed yet still even after first date), he kept SMS-ing me and all wanting me to be careful and call my father if i really feel too sick and such. It's very sweet.

I should really learn to love him soon, with him being so sweet and considerate and all. He deserves it but...you know...but i'll overcome it soon i hope and accept him into my life.

Though i still cannot say it now (because i can't lie), but i really hope there to be one day where both of us can show affection and say 'i love you' to each other. =3

'Forever'

2010-09-25T10:11:00.000+08:00

I came across Leon's photos while cleaning up some stuff today. Those were some things i really treasured of him even till now. His radiant smile then and that warm affectionate embrace. Even though i really hope for...but it would be unfair for wanting him to wait for me now.

I really hurt him too much. I myself being hurt this little much doesn't even balance out the fact that he's hurt more than anyone else.

Though our differences, we'd always thought we could last forever.

How long did 'forever' last again...? 2 years?
The feelings, our emotions. I have it even till now. But...have he given up yet?

Maybe I'm just being a bastard to him by having myself in another guy's (whom i don't even trust 100% yet) embrace, that's probably what he feels as a punishment to him. But by him being upset, would be my worse guilt ever.

Will he read this?

I doubt so...

But...I will always have that feelings for him, always. Either if I'm in his arms or not, but yes, always.

But now...as i have said, i need to be away from him because of some unspeakable problems as well. But...I just hope, in the mean time, he would still smile at me with that same affection self i knew of him.

Happy Mid Autumn Festival!!

2010-09-22T21:55:00.000+08:00

Happy Mid Autumn Festival Everyone!!

My first Hetalia Fanart and ish CHINA!!
XDD
Hope everyone likes it.

Greetings with help from Wang Yao (China, Hetalia)
Hope everyone loves it and have fun! Try not to get fat from the mooncakes and tibits~ ♥

祝大家中秋节快乐！

Alone again...

2010-09-16T18:07:00.000+08:00

How do i say this...?

I still love him, he knows that.
He still loves me...i know that too...

He hated it like this,
That I'm no longer in his arms.
I'm crying, i'm hurt. I needed some breathing space.

He gave me, I got it.

I know his concerns, his worries, his love.
I do hope he understands too.
I still love him.
But what i had now...it felt hurt to love, really.

I need some time, to sort myself out and to heal.
To forgive and forget,
To swallow the guilt that i got him suffering for 2 years much because of me,
To rest and think selfishly about myself...

A long time, maybe.
At least let me finish dealing the shitstorm i'd caused everywhere, on my own.
I needs that time, that growth in my life.
I can no longer 'see'.
I lost the sight which i loved and hated the most. (in many terms)
I cannot 'feel' anymore too.
I'm worried what might become of me.
But...I'll work it out somehow...

At least, I can breathe now.

But...

I miss him.

I don't regret my decision, but still, it hurts. It seriously hurts, still.

Oks PPL KITTY ISH BACK SAVE AND SOUND AND FOR GOOD!!

2010-09-03T04:38:00.001+08:00

Last view of the Sea View on the 1st of September 2010 from Kem Desaru had successfully got my beating heart of excitement to a stop.

"I'm finally leaving," I thought, but a sharp pain pierced thru' my heart. Surprisingly, i too was upset about leaving this hell. Days i had been here, everyday i prayed to be back home soon but when it's finally here, only a sense of lost has overcome my mind. "Why?" I couldn't think out a reason why i need to miss this place. Painful memories and tough trainings, ridiculous rules and the stupidity of some people that i had to tolerate through these 2 months of 'time wasting'.

i stood alone and watched the surrounding around me. There were so much tears dripping everywhere around me yet i couldn't even speak, not even at least show a face of any emotion that indicates 'sadness'.

i spent like 5 minutes again staring out at the sea, I could remember so clearly. The sky with the thick dark storm clouds stained with the evening sun of reddish rays. The wind was so cold, putting me on hold with this calm yet lonely emotion.

Then i walked a few steps back and turned around, i watched him (D8-Ø8) finally sitting alone. I approached him and sat there, squabbled a bit then just leaning against his warm back for a while before his friends dragged him off again in another few minutes time for an 'A-RU-BAH'. Just that feel minutes of a moment, i knew i would definitely miss this kinda warmth, that first and final peck i left on his cheek earlier in the day, and that annoying squabbling we always had over the most ridiculous issues. We will meet outside again, but i guess that feeling would never be the same.

I ate my final dinner there though the taste really isn't that appetizing.

It was my final meal there from the kitchen.

Soon that last night came and everyone lost control. Some partied, some cried, some started singing and there was a lot of NOISE. I gave my friends hugs, took much pictures which they will upload on their FBs, shared bites from the same food and had our last laugh we would have in this camp as a part of Company Charlie.

I WILL NEVER FORGET.

"TEPOK, TEPOK COMPANY CHARLIE!!"

I then walked back to the MESS back in the canteen after the last Charlie reunion. Sat down beside him (D8-Ø8) again. 2 of us quietly staring out at the noisy and messy crowd. We didn't squabble or have much words. Maybe the 'lost' i am feeling, he had it too.

The Night was LONG and noisy. I didn't get to sleep at all after leaving my final picnic in B11 with Tsu Rong and Pei Pei ended.

Phones kept ringing throughout the night, but when it finally stopped at around 4am, the 40mins fire trigger is pulled to wake the Muslims up for breakfast.

I gave up sleeping and sat up. I took out my diary and started flipping through it. Every words, every drawing i did told me that i had been thru' a lot, while my friends' final words written on it reminding me that I've made my mark and it's time to go.

i din take much time clearing up the last few items and dragging my bags out.

I din have appetite for breakfast at all, because of my drowsiness for i plainly had a final cup of tea. I met Jerry (A1-01) in the morning, we talked a bit and had our first and final hug of farewell. I held him tight for a while and let loose of one of my best friend here. "Thank you," was what resounded in my mind, though i didn't have the guts to say anything at that moment except for "bye".

Then we all moved to the parade square to have our final attendance, a few laughs and last cries, waved then it's up and gone.

I sat in the bus with Anis, who was as quiet as i am at that moment. Normally, we're a playful and noisy pair. But at out last moments, nothing came out from our mouth in that 1 and a half hour but simply just smiles and her just leaning on my shoulder for the last time. The guy's aren't allowed to sit with the girls, so he (D8-Ø8) got shoo-ed away to the back where he sat with his friend. We remained on sms contact the whole time, keeping me company while i got carsick and frozen by the air-conditioning in the bus. His gentle words letting me know, he's still there.

Soon we reached Danga Bay and it's time to leave.

I got picked off pretty soon, so my last good byes all went off with the ring-tones playing on their phones.

I reached home sooner than i expected and i dropped on my bed.

"Where am i?"

Home.

"I'm back home...?"

Wait.

"Where are they?"

This is it?

I took a bathe to calm down, threw up gastric juice later on thanks to the car sickness, then changed to a new piece of pajamas. I watched 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' on my laptop while eating curry puffs and drinking a hot cup of milk tea. With a last sms sent to him (D8-Ø8) i fell asleep finally, while still hugging onto his shirt close to my aching heart...

"Thank you all so much...good bye, keep in touch and may we meet again!"

It's true, though i hated the place and hated some people. I still felt glad i got picked to go thru' this shit and had spent time living thru' this with everyone of you.

"I love you."

...

Once again!!

"TEPOK TEPOK KEM DESARU!!"

Bye bye peoples, see you guys in Early October...

2010-07-02T09:53:00.000+08:00

So many things, so little time i have left now here before the lappy. Now packing up my stuff, with many heavy feelings and feels quite upset about this. But at least i have my phone with me, so i can still receive sms-ses. (Leon will be helping me top up so that i can still contact him in case i feels upset.)

Don't ask why i can't contact other ppls, is not like u guys are paying for my phone bills. =p <--stingy

-4 sets of clothing
-some random necessities for my hair and skin
-Medication
-1 empty blank notebook (which will serve as my diary and sketchbook)
-1 mechanical pencil
-1 small lead container
-1 eraser
-Leon's jacket and neoprints
-1 phone + charger

Still have somemore stuff to pack. Should i bring more misc stuff?

I stopped crying after crying for 2 hours plus until i got sick yesterday. Still upset though, but not crying anymore.

Seriously don't want to go somewhere where i don't know anyone and somewhere i dunno and may be in danger. (there was a gang rape case last year there and food poisoning case that killed some people the year before too.) <-- DANGER

Though i heard it's somewhere near my place.(I doubtingly think so)

Not really want speak of reason or anything like that, since this is not my decision or my choice. But I'm sure I'll miss everything here to the point i go bonkers and such. But I hope 3 months pass by fast, after that i will go school and meet u ppls and I wanna stay out for one night maybe. At a hotel/chalet. Just somewhere outside to spend time with u guys and of course my dearest Leon.

3 months, I'll be back a dark kitty (which i hope not *prays much* and packs in sunblock ). Anyways, I'll be gone in the afternoon 2moro and only be back in October 3rd/4th. So make sure to stab any idiots who hack my accounts.

Hmmm dunno what else to say. I'll update it before i leave i guess.

I'll miss you people lots. I love you and don't forget about me, or i seriously WILL be saddened. (Well I'll still be sadden to come back to fb and see how much I've missed out on life and my friends having fun take pic and such. ARGHhhh...)

But ya, I love u guys.

Hope i can still hear from u ppl before i leave and hiatus my Network and Social life.

PS: in case i dun come online on the 4th or even if u ask my leon he also no heard from me, prolly means I'm dead somewhere.

So i wanna tell u guys before i regret it: I love u all and i NEVER regretted walking my life and meeting everyone of u, good and bad. Thanks. I love you.

两个人在一起久了，是会上瘾的～

2010-06-26T12:16:00.000+08:00

两个人在一起久了，会发现自己有时幼稚的像个儿童。
两个人在一起久了，才知道原来一个人可以如此的去想念另一个人。
两个人在一起久了，自己的不良爱好会因为对方的不喜欢而终止。
两个人在一起久了，会比以前更加奋斗，把压力当成动力。
两个人在一起久了，奇怪的变的很乖，会按时吃饭按时睡觉。
两个人在一起久了，父母管不下来的习惯，会因为她的一声哼，而改正。
两个人在一起久了，会深深的喜欢上以前那份厌恶督促，催促，教训。
两个人在一起久了，脑子里会老记着去看看手机。即使是个山寨货。
两个人在一起久了，会常看一些生活小常识，星座相配，异性服装。
两个人在一起久了，偶尔就和发春状态一样说出我爱你。
两个人在一起久了，撒娇多了，冷言少了，（嗯）字多了，（不）字少了。

两个人在一起久了，看见相拥，亲吻的场景，会用好浪漫去形容。
两个人在一起久了，人会变的很细心很敏感，嘴笨也学会甜言蜜语了。
两个人在一起久了，会在任何时间任何地点，为了一个可爱的幻想站着傻笑。
两个人在一起久了，常在琢磨是因为寂寞才想你还是想你才寂寞。
两个人在一起久了，漫不经心打听她小姐妹的情侣是否很出众，很乐意的给自己增加压力。
两个人在一起久了，即使搂在怀里了，也会为了自己一个虚有的幻想而担心失去，很不安心。

两个人在一起久了，平常游戏的时间是在专心的关注着对方的签名，日志，一切有关系的讯息。
两个人在一起久了，会很想陪伴着她去做她想做的事，即使是自己从没触碰过的。
两个人在一起久了，通常只是偷瞄走过的异性，然后惊慌失措的说句还是你最漂亮。
两个人在一起久了，兄弟，朋友的会常对自己说一句话。（重色轻友的家伙）
两个人在一起久了，虚伪说你真是个大坏蛋，内心不知道有多怜惜这个大坏蛋。
两个人在一起久了，是会上瘾的。

Getting upset again...

2010-05-28T04:08:00.001+08:00

Is it that my existance mainly appears for men to have an erection of? Can anyone tell, how to make friends with men without them thinking under the belt or thinking that I'm a transvestite??

This is so frustrating.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAVE MY FRIENDSHIP SACRIFICED BECAUSE THIS GUY FRIEND OF MINE WANTS TO HAVE HIS HANDS IN MY PANTS??

Had my friendliness or gentleness been wrong the whole time? I don't even how, even by not touching or using any of those sexy words can get 'friends' telling me they want to make love with me!!

Tell me, guys.

What's going on in your brain now because i need to know it before i go bonkers and go ahead to hating normal guys too.

emo-ing and i broken soul i shall be. For now.

Emotion in shreds...

2010-05-17T08:47:00.000+08:00

もう疲れた...誰だもう信じられない。

最後の真は：私は本当の‘友達’がない。
...だろう？

この事は私もう知っている。でも何でいつもいつもこの‘友達’に探したいの事があきらめないか？何でこの‘友達’と言うのが欲しいか？この物は自分と言うに大切な物か？いつもあの人たちの事が泣く、本当にいいか？

今の私止めたいて、あきらめたいていいか？

きみなら、我々の友情ガ切るか？
できるか？

実、私最近はこの事もう二人がやりましたよ。私は後悔がないだから、絶対に‘ごめん’が言わないね！

　 ^^
_(≧o≦)_

Kitty says her 'if's...

2010-05-02T16:26:00.000+08:00

If i live outside alone...

I won't worry too much about finding jobs, because now, even if i want to go out to find jobs, i will be suspected of going to jobs and play with friends, even though i have never entered a single dance club before.

I won't have to worry about if i have to leave my room or not. Because now i'm scared to even leave my room because i want to have less conflict as possible between my family because obviously they hate me and always finds something to argue the hell about even if it has nothing to do with me or what i'm doing. They often lie to themselves about me because i keep myself locked in here. I'm judged as rebellious, hot tempered and useless.

Dear readers, do u think so too? Knowing me and such...do u think i am someone like that? I don't really see, why they're out to get my throat either.

I can invite anyone to my house, not having to worry about them getting onto their throats eithers.

I don't have to cry. Because I will no longer have the need to. Even if i live alone, at least i know, I'm loved and such. The everyday now, that i spent, it's so painful that it's so hard to describe unless you're in my shoes.

Maybe u think that I am lying and such, that I'm disrecpectful and just being a loner.

Even if it's just verbal abuse, being told that you're useless and such. it really hurt. I've worked so hard my whole life, trying to be perfect. My grades were never low and i tried as much as possible to please these people. And eventually, they ended up misunderstanding and even hating you. Saying so much, i hear of lies from their mouth, i din reply i din answer. I simply went back to my room where i feel the safest. The only thing i can do was to cry in silence. I couldn't shout in case they hear. They would think that i purposely do it to annoy them.

I hurt myself. They don't know that.

I know I'm crying myself blind already, I don't think they know or care. To tell you the truth, my right eye is having some problem now, it seems like very bright and glaring while looking at stuff. like a white light clouding it. Well, it's not that bad now, because i still can see colors and 'blur' words with it. But i guess it will eventually go soon. *sigh* Well, i still have my left eye. Ha!

Even though i try to avoid them as much as possible. Fear of their remark or attempt to hurt me, i still yearn for their love or concern as their child. It's hard u know, since more than half my life i have trusted and rely on them. It's so hard to want me to let go you know?

But i guess, it's prolly true about the doubt about them as my bio-parents. I have different a bloodtype as them . But still...I grew up knowing and loving them. But it like seems so fake now...whatever they used to give me. So fake that it hurts

Well,guess now my only family is leon huh...the only one i can love and trust and rely on. though i admit, he's not really that reliable. Hmm....

Well, if only we could have our own home sooner.

I hope...(though it's quite impossible).
I don't even mind if i have to suffer to support him...

For now, i really want to leave here now.

Upset and tired....kitty should nap...

2010-04-30T04:05:00.000+08:00

It's very late now like 4am. I'm very very tired. yet also quite upset that i don't think i'll be able to see leon before he goes to ns service.

We were supposed to be meeting on may 2, but it's weekened so i can't go out.
then we changed to the 3rd, but apparently, hit on holiday of schools,so no transport and still I CAN'T GO OUT EITHER!! *cry*

He's going in on the 4th, prolly i wun see him for many weeks, or prolly a few months or so. So I'm pretty heart broken.

*sadden-ded*

Solution to cat scratching...

2010-04-29T12:52:00.000+08:00

Lovey kitty

2010-04-23T10:43:00.000+08:00

Whimsical whimsical lovey dovey kitty.

Went out with the dar yesterday. Was so happy happy, even until now. Ish so pampered, love and taken good care by my dar dar though i feeling of like faintish because body of the heaty n very lack of sleep.

Loves my dar dar lots lots. Though he weak n or the moron at times that i want to piak him in the head...Hmmm....LOL

*kissh*

Now i sound like a moron. HAHhaa

What a pair~! ^w^

Can't sleep at night again, nocturnal kitty

2010-04-21T06:09:00.000+08:00

"O_O" My dear 'Sandra Jie Jie' still of stalking me....i forgots...HAhahaaa

Thanks couz. I'm fine. Just maybe i prolly like lock here too long and misses peoples that's all.

*still hugging donkey*

I am missing leon a lot. spent my time thinking ang thinking about us. Like things we did, how we met, why we quarrel.

Things about when he scolds me, throw me in the streets, our first kiss, us watching the full moon at beach in the night, us quarreling, him noming my food and says my cooking fails, swimming and realise he can't swim, eating kaya toast together, me crying when i miss him, his voice, his interests, him calling me stupid mao, him trying to wake me up in my morning, me trying to help him cover blanket when i pull away the blanket when i sleep, i punch him when he tries to surprise me, him ignoring me to play games....

i sound so obsessed.

Prolly because i really miss him.

but this is how my nights have become. Heart beating fast as though I'm drunk, memories of him flooding me. Keep crying, stop crying, smiling, then crying again, and then eventually decide i should not lie down and on the lights and sit by my lappy to do something constructive other than crying and getting my tummy upset too.

I wonder. What else could i say that 'i love u dar' and *kisses* on msn and while sms-ing. I kinda got tired of words. Yet, i do not know what else i can tell him.

I miss the way he looks at me, fondles with my messy hair, the way he hugs and touches me to makes me feel fo safe and blissful, the way we hold hands and play with each other's palm with our fingers, the way we wrestle while trying to tickle each other or when i am trying to smack him.

hah~

I am wierds. We're together for like more than 2 years and i still act like that obsessed, that in love with him when as we first kissed.

I just couldn't stop.

It's such a whimsical thing, why i just can't fall out of love with this stupid boy whom i love a lot.

Kitty tears as soon as i close my eyes in the dark...

2010-04-19T05:24:00.000+08:00

I tired and hungry and i need to sleep. Tummy's not feeling well at all, because i couldn't stop crying. It's so quiet, peaceful and dark that i could hear my inner thoughts so clearly than ever before. And i most of them aren't pretty.

I feel so alone now.

I miss leon and my friends. Missing Leon even more since our time together will be even less than now in the future that i feel so afraid. It's like losing my only family. Though it's only for 2 years...but...i really no want to be just left alone like that.

Damned, i sound like some spoilt, selfish brat...

\(ToT)/

STOP CRYING U STUPID, SPOILT CAT!!!

*hugs donkey and waits till daybreak....*

Emotional Kitty

2010-04-18T06:33:00.000+08:00

I seriously wonder since when i got emotional. I am finally realising that i am crying a whole lot easier lately.....well actually like since the past 2 years...

Especially when it concerns something about family. I was watching 'Mainichi Kaasan' when i realise i got teary.Mind u, the anime is a comedy about a family. COMEDY. And now that i realise....i don't wanna go for graduation day.

....

ok....

I don't see why i have the need to tear and cry as well.No one's gonna turn back and look at me. No one's gonna pity me.

Yet....i can't stop it either...

I miss Leon.

....i hate being alone here....

Finally graduating from NYP mew~

2010-04-12T04:08:00.000+08:00

AH~

It's been a short journey and i'm so going to miss my friends and people i met in NYP. T-T Waiting to get teh gradution notice letter from my aunt though, hope she faster give me. I still have many things to do.

Wondering if i ever will see my friends after this though. I is going to miss them a lot. >.< We should have chalet every year k?? then can go out and play, just the lot of us. AND TWISTER!! XDDD I had fun at the last chalet though, really enjoyed every moment together, even if things din turn out quite right the whole time.

Hope i could still get in touch with u ppls and leon especially during the random 3 months of MIA ness. Please dun think i dieded ok? I will call u guys after that to make sure i ok n still alive. Will not promise that i will not emo though...since i always does. But at least, i don't think i will kill myself. LOL

Prolly after that i might stay in the kach house, since they are willing to keep me. They should just make me god sister of kach or something, haha. I likes of the Kach family, friendly ppls.

Last thing: i realised i should blog more. LOL

While waiting for Lappy to recover itself, kitty rants...

2010-02-23T08:42:00.000+08:00

I actually was donw with my portfolio stuff, until the lapppy crashed last night while i was finish on the name card. DAMNED!! And i made it look so nice somemore on the cover but it hanged before i could save it. STUPID COM. DIE AT THE WRONG TIME!! And one week after my harddrive died too. Well, good job. Now i have nothing to do but to wait and type blog n growl at fb comments.

This reminds me. I have like a month's worth on emails from horoscope sites telling me 'NOT TO TOUCH MACHINERIES, especially when it is red car'. My lappy is pink, i guess it's close enough? My harddrive broke, my handphone screen cracked, my room's tv got retarded. Ok and flikering lights....and my aircondition is dripping. Oh great. So i guess, if i meet up a red car i will be run over with? RAWRRRR!!

Maybe I'm not one with patience. Since my lappy had only been through this for like around one and a half hours? And i have been doing this since yesterday morning, though i keep restarting it like one hour after it loads. But today. I decided to wait. Hopefully it will load before noon so that i can do work, else i need go find lect to beg n prayy.

Kitty being in and out and BACK INTO DEEP WATERS AGAIN!!

2010-02-17T21:14:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired, finally i am able to end my $800 debt and another shit cock up again. My harddrive busted and $200 plus flew away. And good, now i owe leon money and he refuses to pick up my call.

I've been crying so much that it seems it'll never stop. My heart hurts so much. i was finally looking forward to the day to be free and just a few hours later punched straight back into the soil. I'm so tired, I dunno how much more longer can i take this...Less than half a year, more than 1K gone. I CAN'T EVEN ENJOY MY CNY MONEY NOW!! I don't think i can even go out chalet with my friends at the end of the semester. I dunno If i'm being plain unlucky or what, i am so tired, SO VERY TIRED.

Half a month,
-1k plus gone
-Relationships got into jeopardy
-i at least lost 5kg UNHEALTHYLY, i bet u
-I have lost stuffs like 4 times (Only 2 times that i got it back)
-My Bed's stand Broke
-the injury on my toe got worse, now i have difficulty walking without feeling pain.
-My bunny bag broke
-One of my favorite Boots broke
...AND I F-ING SWEAR I DID NOT BREAK THE STUPID THING!! SO STOP SAYING I DID!!

I have lost so much, so much...
Time, fun, love, food, sleep....

What i have sacrificed myself of, I bet you'll never imagine the pain. It's not just about the money, I can tell u, i sacrificed a lot lot more than that. Every moment frustrated about how to clear my problems that no one can help me. (Or should i say, those who can refused to help me)

What can i do now, i am not sure. I'm too tired to struggle or help myself...

Kitty hates the humans on the high chair...

2010-01-23T15:12:00.000+08:00

I've heard someone in the govt died today and we as citizens are forced to wear black sashes on our arm or we're deemed to be caught by the police as a means of disrespecting our whatever that he is. WTS, like he has done anything for me in the first place and BLAH, i don't even know the person. For someone who's so cocky to even make people respect him after he died, damned, you must be one desperate dude for attention.

Sitting on the high chair makes u sooooo blind. It's not about wearing the black sash, it's more on the way of 'WHY DO I HAVE TO RESPECT U ANYWAYS'?

It's obviously ur incompetent that my life is sucky anyways. HURR.

BLOODY M.FUCKER, BLOODY GOVT PPL.

New year's resolution 2o1o

2010-01-02T02:03:00.000+08:00

Setting mah GOALS of 2o1o

1. Graduate from SIDM with honours (i will work hard on it)

2. Have success for fusion and hope i get into a good company that doesn't make me OT all the time. (i no want to sleep 1h everyday...it's of very tiring and stressful)

3. Have better improvement for depression problem. I do not wish to have another suicide attempt anytime soon. >o<

4. Take up modelling. (HURR...i wish...I'm short n fail)

5. Learn to save money properly. No more wasting money.

6. learn to make costume. (Anyone wants to lend/give me sewing machine?)

7. Learn to do impressionism...(OH LAWL)

8. I wish someone buy my art piece.... will it happen?

9. Clean my room before CNY. LOL, it's forever gets messy when i busy.

10. Final, lose more fats. Especially around my shoulder area.

XDDDDD

HAPPY 2o1o PEEPS!!

Mewsh After Thoughts for the Last Week

2009-12-28T03:08:00.000+08:00

After being all frustrated about life, i finally had a bit of fun in the last week thanks to the help of many friends in TBN, old and new. Maybe it's because of this much fun and of being busy that i have forgotten that part of me being depressed. I was able to laugh and play (and flirt) without feeling much guilt, while at the same time work hard on my cosplay.

Even though i screwed up during the performace, i was contented enough because i knew i worked hard even though it was just one week. We got 1st runner up, losing to Chibi Sai's team. Well, that was expected, since he's so cute. LOL

Here u go ppl. Us. TBN EOY 2009, Guilty Gear XX reload

Thank you people, for helping me that much, i deeply appreciate it.

I don't think i might be cosplaying anytime soon, i need return HY her money ASAP, n after that, i will be broke. HURRR Well, unless someone decides to sponsor me AGAIN next cosplay, else i don't think i will be doing this for a long time.

No bad blood this year between members, i made new friends and got more noms.

So thank you.

I feels proud of myself thanks to u.
And so very honoured that naufal would nosebleed for me! AHHAhahhahHAHhaaa....

So, here's an eye candy shot for show~

Rotting kitty...

2009-12-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

Still under a $200 debt and probably more soon. i feel extremely scared now...

I lost Leon's wacom pen and i seriously don't know what to do now. A new wacom pen cost like $110 and obviously i have no money for it. Leon's gone to holiday and this kind of shit happens...i don't think he'll be forgiving about this anyway....

Why so many things happen lately?

i feel vey unlucky....

Unlucky to the point that I'm attempting suicide. What else there is left for me anyways? Honestly thinking i'm already numb to the thought that i should live for who i love, what it already seems to me that I'm hurting who i love just by living. How much have i hurt them i don't know....My mind has been overshadowed mainly by the thought of sadness, hatred and anger.

How much...i don't know, but it seems to me that I'm crying everyday...

Am i suffering?

I hardly can recognize it anymore...

Do i need a doctor? i often ask myself.
Am i having depression?

I can see that myself, i knew it all along that i have it.

That often compulsion of grief and the urge to die...it already proves it all, that I have more than just a mild depression, more than just being upset.

I'm scared that i might be enjoying my pain now. Is that possible?

My premonition like 5 yrs ago might come true.

I may not live past 19...

Mewsh, a waste of time...

2009-12-05T22:00:00.002+08:00

Feeling down lately, even worse today...

Again and again, those words resounding in my head....
that I'm a waste of time, waste of efforts
that I'm just one to be hated by others
that I'm one who does not deserve the least respect

How can human love be so....fragile. Human thoughts being so manipulative.
Feelings, being so weak.

Seeing that it's true....that life....is harsh, poems and love are fake, being them simply binded by time, effort and money...

I just feel disapointed that I'm just part of it all...yet not realising it. That I'm played with so much....I lost myself whole heartedly into this fantasy i've built, thinking that money and tme doesn't matter, because 'love' will be stronger. But love, it seems, to be only just a word in the dictionary.

Love: any object of warm affection or devotion
(is that even true?)

A word to be replaced with money and time and...limited efforts....

limited....

why?

I've heard so much in fairytale, that the prince will save the princess eventually and live happily ever after...that's all fake....isn't it? The prince, if he can't save her beyond every of his efforts, beyond all the time he spent thinking and trying, he'll be intending to leave her forever there alone, stuck inside her own castle....right?

What else I'm i looking forward to now?

I cried, i begged, i forced him to save me...but is that right? What I'm doing....is that right at all? Is it wrong that I'm loving him, purely with that affection and devotion to just be by his side, to want him to comfort me whenever i am down doing the same vice versa and wanting us to forgive each other over and over again because i just love him like that.

Is that impossible?

Is it so painful really, that one suicide attempt can just force him away....if the princess attempts to jump off her castle, the prince will find his efforts in vain and simply walk away.

I'm so confused.

Even though I'm willing to give up now. i could even kill myself again...now.
Yet....
I'm stopping myself. I want him to be happy....

But in a way, after i did it yesterday, he was upset, why?

I thought i was a waste of his time, as he repeated his words again yesterday after the attempt failed.

Why was he upset? I thought he wanted to ignore me forever, ignoring my efforts to even apologise for what i've done...only managed to talk to him that morning, calling his house several times, until his mother left the house and he picked up the phone. Even his mother hung the call on me a few times, knowing that I'm calling....It hurts so much....

Wouldn't it be better that i disappear? Then i would not be that 'waste of time n efforts'

How can i tell him?

That i don't want to be wasting his time and efforts, that i want to force myself to leave him and the world by doing that?

How??

He won't listen to me at all....

How to tell him, without him ignoring me, without him getting upset with me, without him eventually leaving my side?

How to explain him that i wanted so badly for him to forgive me more than anyone else?

I don't expect him to smile at me ever again. I just hope he can understand why I'm hurt. I just wanted him to forgive me for making him upset, i wanted to him to know how much i love him and would go so far so that he wouldn't suffer from me anymore.

I do deserve anyone being like this, it's so hard to change knowing that i have nothing NOTHING at all for people to love me for who i am.

I don't even have the confidence to meet him again after doing so much to get him pissed off. i tried to killed myself, i cried, i held onto him, kneeling down begging him in public only to hear him to tell me to go away, go to school then he'll be proud of me, he have to go home...he has somewhere much more important than me.

He told me to stand up on my own. My question is how?

Knowing no one will be there holding me up, knowing I'm just that waste of affection, time and money....how?

My friend told me, I'm hurting everyone by doing that. I can call them Whenever i want to. For how long? how much? what's the limit? I wanted to ask, so much....

I feel so lost now being still alive, plus the fact that i promised him i'll give my blades to him.

I still feel so lost n upset...

Why?

Kitty loves at Miyavi and sees still bitty of self

2009-11-08T04:09:00.000+08:00

Though i can say i still live among the "jibun kakumei" era of miyavi, i find this song of him not bad.
^w^

AWESOME JOB WELL DONE!

KItty don't even deserves anything...

2009-10-27T00:18:00.000+08:00

Depressed right now, because everything seems to be failing. My beloved dog's dying. Leon's sick, i think. Wei perng says I'm not suitable for leon and that i'm being insensitive to him.

I didn't hear a word from leon. But from what i seems, I'm the blamed party. It doesn't matter what i say because no one really listens and they don't care. It's even my fault that Leon hangs the phone on me when i cry it seems. So ya, I'm the evil party who terrorize people minds with my pain.

It's a pain no one ever accepts.

I can't even cry to my boyfriend or anyone in particular. I cause so much problem to him that i can't even gain a simple sense of acceptance. And guess what? The damned topic began by me saying that i 'wierdly feel no empathy for leon being sick'. And i was asked to repent, which clearly i cannot since i already don't feel anything.

Leon don't even care if wei perng's preaching me i guess. It just reminds me of JJ's friends saying i should die.

Hm...ya...maybe i should.

maybe...

Worthless kitty?

2009-10-25T05:20:00.000+08:00

It's end of the 1st week of new school semester. All i can say it started well and boils my motivation to get As for all final Semester because I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE to someone who said that i did a good job because of pure luck.

tell me if i got this by 'pure luck'
(click to enlarge picture, it's a digital Matte Painting by the way, purely PSD)

It's very very much pissing me off when i see her work...like so much eekier using a block like brush?? U might say I'm mean or bad, trying to make her look bad whatever. Hey! If you're in my position when she says, "Wow, it's so pretty. You're pure lucky to have done this." I'm SOOOooooo sure you've slapped her. At what i do, is did like a fake laugh, just to make her happy.

WHAT THE HELL is wrong with this person, just trying to put people down. She's always like MAKE people look at her deviantart and when people critic, she's like give excuses, like she doesn't have time and such, ya right. And then she ALWAYS says that she can do better than me since i got it by 'PURE LUCK' and she never does it and go on ranting and ranting that i do things by pure luck....

YOU KNOW HOW BLOODY IRRITATING THAT IS? What makes she think i did less work than her or that i can just do things by pure luck? If I'm SOOOooOOooo lucky, I don't think i even want to attend school or meet her at all.

And then there was another girl, who happened to be enemies with my other 2 friends. Though i do not have grudges towards her at all. I didn't even try or did anything to piss her off. She was bad-mouthing about me. It's was something SO LAME, that no one in particular will rant about me.

SHE RANT ABOUT MY DAILY ATTIRE!!

she was like Why can't i dress normally, like As if I'm not and keep on saying that she's damned fashionable and such. I'M NOT EVEN LIKE WEARING SOME FEATHERING GAY SUIT, what makes her think that I'm wearing OUTRAGESLY <-- yes she did use that word.

She's not even like my mother or something. And to think that I'm being unaffected by her bad mouthing because she didn't say anything about me to me. (Well, of course she didn't, because that what's it's all about. Plus i heard it from a few people already...)

Seriously, why does people like to make others look bad?!!
It's like their hobby or something...

Other than that issue that I'm pissed off about, there's that the phone's not working so i can't call leon at all.

And then he promised me he'll be online when he reached back to Hentai's place like hmmm....4 hours ago? And i said i WILL wait for him to get online.

First, he didn't...it's ok...
Second, HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY TO SMS ME THAT HE'S NOT GONNA BE ONLINE!!
(optiona but i can't even use it: THE BLOODY PHONE LINE IS CUT SO I CAN'T EVEN CALL TO HIM AND ASK HIM IF HE'S GONNA BE ONLINE OR WHATEVER)

Yes I'm pissed off that I'm made to wait like this? And well, if i rant to anyone, they'll just say I'M BEING STUPID ENOUGH TO BE UP FOR 4 HOURS TO WAIT FOR HIM! YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?? 5.52AM!! IT'S LIKE NEAR DAWN, I'M BLOODY TIRED AND ON THE VERGE OF FAINTING FROM HUNGER!!

OK I AM A FOOL.
A word keeping fool. I DON'T USE COMMON SENSE!! I'm stupid. That must be it, I'm so stupid to have to think that i want to keep my promise to someone important to me.

I'M NOT A BLOODY STONE YOU KNOW! I'm also a person. I do need to eat and sleep as well. DO NOT SURVIVE JUST BY PURE LUCK AND YES I DO GET ANGRY WHEN PEOPLE DO THINGS TO ME!!

i feel like crying...

Don't even know why am i still up and waiting.
Tried to off the lappy once and go to sleep. Which apparently i can't, since I'm too upset to take a wink.

Kitty's review: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

2009-10-14T04:44:00.000+08:00

Remember Roger Rabbit and his really hawt wife, Jessica Rabbit? And Maybe a bit of your Space Jam buddies? Hmmm, what about Mary Poppins?

Nostalgia, magical times of our childhood.
Our minds wanting to explore toon town.

It brings me back loads of memories. And i realised that cartoons nowadays could hardly give us that kind of impression. Nick toons is trying, good effort, but...it just doesn't have that realism that the old cartoons can give us. Giving now that I'm studying animation myself, i don't even have the confidence to pull off such amazing films!

But yet, I want to try it. I want to bring it all back, the magic and of course the favorite, subliminal masking. LOLs.

Any takers?

I ISH LIKINGS OF EFFECTS NYA!!

2009-10-11T04:38:00.000+08:00

And i updated BGon myspace, damned awesome! XDD
www.myspace.com/kittylovespudding

Kitty hates online HJJ...

2009-09-27T16:24:00.000+08:00

This is why....
So bloody pissed off by it. What does he think i am?? An internet sex toy?!!*growls*

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=52489316&blogId=511791441
(my blog link on myspace)

I don't really know how these people think, what the hell they think they are?
i blocked him of course....but before that, see how many times i toleranted his comments....

*growls* GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Life of a Stone Cat

2009-09-26T19:01:00.000+08:00

Dropped myself into one of those dark holes again AS USUAL because I'm a bloody forgottened individual AS USUAL. How pathetic it seems to get mad at SOMEBODY and he/she responds me with nothing. Wow! It seems that whatever i feel or do or my existance, it DOESN'T matter! The Earth will still orbit, people will live FINE OFF WITHOUT ME.

HOW CAN HUMANS BE SO SELFISH!! Everytime they seek out love and warmth from me and yet denies mine when I need someone! My silence means less noise pollution, my tears means nothing, my lonliness is what i deserve, IS THAT RIGHT?!! I do not know else anymore, why am i always the cause of every fault? I'm just a STONE that happens to be in your way anyways...yet You yourself walked over it yourself and tripped. In the end I'M THE BLOODY FAULT THAT U FELL and yes as usual THE PAIN I FELT FROM YOU TRIPPING OVER DOESN'T MATTERS!! Yes, I'm sorry about it but yet....are you? And then again, everytime, my efforts of lifting you up as a 'stepping stone', I'm not appreciated anyways and forgotten soon after you're at the top.

Do you even care that it hurts as much as you stepping on or over me as much as it hurts yourself when u hit the ground?

My existance is too mild for your amusement, so mild that you won't even bend down to look at me unless the sun shines light on this PERFECT ANGLE that allows me to shimmer or when you need me because something is stuck in your shoe. SORRY THAT I'M NOT ALL THAT PERFECT! I'm not diamond nor cystal, gold nor silver.

Just someone who's just around when you need it and disappears when u don't since I'm thrown right back onto the pile of other stones, blended and vanished.

You're right, as u think u are.

I'm not one to tamper with your answers or decision, I don't have the rights to.

Yet i will give an advice, which you will definately forget after 1 hour after closing this page, sadly. Think back how many times you've aquired something from a source, think back where did the source come from. For once, just ask yourself, your answers to your life, to yourself as you are now.

'Are you thankful to be you?'

CHIKIBO!!!

2009-09-24T20:51:00.000+08:00

One of Mewsh fav illustrators!!

2009-09-23T14:44:00.001+08:00

Just like Mewsh!

maybe not so.....

Kitty delusions....

2009-09-21T02:05:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, There was a man who dreamt that he was a butterfly, fluttering higher and higher, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. He was conscious only of his happiness as a butterfly, unaware of who he originally was. Soon he awaked, and there he was, veritably himself again. Now he do not know whether he was then a man dreaming he was a butterfly, or whether he is now a butterfly, dreaming he is a man.

That's kinda how i feel about life. Whether I'm dreaming or not, this instant. My existance seems so vague, I question myself, if life do exist.

It seems I'm left with December 21, 2012 to decide my fate.

If I'm am dreaming now. I hope...I'll never wake up.

Mew's Mayan's Divination

2009-09-20T03:40:00.000+08:00

I ish Lizard nyaaaa!! Oh mais.....actually quite true also
though dun really now what it means

born July 14, 1990
DAY-SIGN: 11-Lizard (Maya: 11-Kan)
YEAR: West -5 (Tikal System)
13-DAY PERIOD: 1-Ocelot (Maya: 1-Ix)
NIGHT LORD: 3
VENUS PHASE: Morning Star

The Day-Sign of Your Birth
Lizard: You are a true individual. You compromise only under extreme pressure, and then resent it if you have to. You often attract attention by being different, but this action often meets your "performance needs." More often, you are simply too involved in your own interests to even care what other people think about you.

Because you have a strong desire to appear before the public in some way, it is highly likely that you do work that is creative or performance oriented, and you are probably very competent, possibly outstanding, at what you do. Your standards are always high and you are probably an influential force in your world. You have natural leadership instincts and are not hesitant to take charge of situations when necessary. Others respect your competence and will follow your lead.

You do not tolerate superficiality. You take your interests very seriously, these often being "heavy" subjects like science, philosophy, religion and metaphysics. You are a powerful thinker and you are not easily swayed by argument. It is this mental determination that allows you to accomplish as much as you do. Down deep, you are very serious about your life.

In relationship matters, sexuality is a major issue for you. You are probably a highly sexed individual who needs to have an outlet for all that primal energy roaring within you. Many Lizard personalities channel this energy into work, music, ritual or other rhythmic and artistic projects. You may need to find a balance between overt sexual aggressiveness, which can lead to unstable and controversial relationship patterns, and sexual repression, which can cause just as much damage.

Like lizards, which perch on rocks or branches waiting for their meals to come to them, you may often appear on the surface to be lazy. But in reality, you are a passive stalker who works in full public view. You are quick to react to opportunities and make contacts with the right people and this allows you to move upward socially without offending many people.

Your Deeper Self -- The 13-Day Week of Your Birth
This is the eleventh day of the 13-day period beginning with 1-Ocelot. Beneath your surface personality you are an explorer of the human condition, a communicator, and a person who struggles with self-control. Critical events, such as deaths or other powerful transformations, have caused you to turn inward and keep much to yourself. You should be realistic about responsibilities because you tend to either shirk them or take on too many. Personal success comes through expressing your creativity through ideas. You would do well as a teacher, writer or communicator of some kind. You are also something a reformer -- a carrier of radical ideas

I wonder if time will really stop at Dec 21, 2012, of ish just the Mayans people just didn't know or do the following years...

Kiva x Sasword~<3

2009-09-10T19:51:00.000+08:00

Locked and bored kitty.

2009-09-07T13:26:00.000+08:00

It's been around 3 weeks since i last stepped out this house (Plus the fact that not even stepping out into the yard), has been killing me throughly inside. Looking at the pulled down curtains made me feel that kind of enclosure more.

How long since i last look up at the sky?

My life these few days only revolve around this room and phonecalls to Leon, which he always seemed to have not enough time for me. I agree, I'm pathetic.

Games never seemed to interest me long enough, since I get bored easily. My lack of presence made me feel invisible. But i guess it's a better way. No one will bother me, no one will tell me anything bad, no one will care if i suddenly begin to rot here and die.

Thinking about so many things lately, while locking myself in here. Most of them made me cry. I was crying so hard almost everyday, since i practically have nothing to do. But crying till i got sick is bad. I actually got headache one night and threw up till day time. I wonder what was left of my maggi supper after flushing them all down the toilet.

Well, actually, I didn't care to smile at all. Thinking back to things I've done wrong.

There's so many thing. Many are caused by my own stupidity. Like lying to my ex, even when we broke up. And getting guided away by strangers, gotten into many dangerous situation like that even though I'm not a kid anymore. (Have to run away everytime, but thank god i can run fast!) What else....Hmmm....yeah, not forgetting, those unforgettable scenes where i was trying to kill myself. I've tried cutting, hanging, and well...i almost jumped off the balcony as well.

Thinking back, everything to now. I'm still living thanks to my friends. (Not saying family, as they are the TOP OF THE LIST of: 'Why i need to kill myself' list.)

Well, there's still a lot of times, people just get mad at me and tell me reasons i don't see how i can comprehend. Like you know what my parents hate me for? My mother said that I'm hateable because i act 'mysteriously'. I don't see how I'm doing that. I just quiet most of the time and do things on my own. And KC got angry with me just because I got on the bus before she did. First and Foremost, she didn't tell me to wait or anything. Secondly, she ignored me when i was apologising. I dun see the point why she does it and I'M ALREADY APOLOGISING, what does she want? And then people always tell me to stop crying and stuff. I don't seen why they just don't let me finish, since I will automatically calm down later. Like, I don't eat when I get upset. What they tell me are, if i don't eat they'll ignore me. Well, ya....go ahead. I don't really care. Since i already feel this very big gap wth people who ever used that to threaten me.

Yeah, I take stuff pretty seriously, especially when people use that. I've cried so many times, because i 'break the rule' so thinking that people will ignore me forever. In the end, seeing them laughing at me because I take it seriously and that it is not threatening. Ok, now I'm the laughing stock. I'm a laughing stock because i thought him/her is going to ignore me forever.

Tell me if i make sense.

I really don't know what the hell is in these humans' heads lately. Holidays are probably screwing mine it seems.

gawd...

I need a hug.

Hatred, Fear, Confusion, Denial...

2009-08-16T10:44:00.001+08:00

I wonder if it's too much for him....if there's a way to talk without him getting upset n all...

I wonder if it's my fault....

I wonder....

.....

9.8.2009 - R.I.P Jasmine You

2009-08-10T17:06:00.000+08:00

R.I.P Jasmine You.
May You have Peace and Nirvana.

Thank you for your contributions and affections in life and may you be remembered forever in the hearts of people who loves you.

Mewsh ish 19 now!!

2009-07-14T23:05:00.000+08:00

I wouldn't say it's a happy birthday or a bad one, since it consists a balance of both. But sadly, end of the day, i still ended up frowning.

Today morning started out fine, as usual, just that it's my birthday, plus I'm unwell with bad tummy aches for the whole day. As you all might or might not know, I hate Birthdays, especially mine. Since I had cried (In of a negative event) at every birthdays since a very young age that i was all set in mind thinking that i was born on an unlucky day.

I didn't mind people not knowing my birthday. It's normal, Since I'm not born on some festival or any day important. And Honestly speaking, though i talk a lot, I don't talk about generally myself, right? ^-^
It's not that i have any kind of secrets, I just don't talk about it, since it doesn't cross my mind when i talk. lols

Oh wells.

The day started with me staring at the skies while waiting for leon. (extremely hungry)

(took a pic of the skies, pretty right??) XDD

After that leon brought me to noms mac then to school where i recieved my first birthday wish from Mandl!! XDDD

SK totally forgottened about it, until i tried to re-run the sequence when we talked about my birthday last week. lols

Then after that Me and Kach and Daniel and SK went for noms togather!! I hash Banana milkshake!!

Arranged: Onion's, Mine's, Kaiting's, Kach's

Then went back to class to do stuff of course. <--GCK But i kinda got moody a bit later since something struck, so headed off for an hour to cry it all out myself before going back it a semi-calm mood. I Took some pics of the scenery there after i calmed down, nice yeah? But i won't say where, that's my lil' secret spot. I called leon, he heard me crying, he knows I'm moodly, tried to calm me down and headed over after that to gives me a little private party with my friends.

(leon got strawberry cake!! ISH VERY DELICIOUS!! XDDD but someparts got 'poisoned by candle wax, lols~)

(but it so appears that it kinda phailed, since he was solely doing everything and fails in getting everyone's attention on him whn he asked if the cake's nice)

Not much presies, only boots from kach and Little pink dolphin pluishie from leon. But i ish contented.

Cute, right~?!!

Then we went back to woodlands for a little stroll around and took some neoprints. After that had gundam talk and have some private time talking and fondling with each other *hearts* XDD I loves and thankies him for today lots lots!!

Then i go back to the bus station again and went home snuggling my dolphin from leon~

Mewsh ish have 2nd cake at home. A forced one by father. Kinda quarrelled with him about it, since he talked in a way that i should bow down to him or something since MY MOTHER bought it for me. I don't even care if he says he buy bread for me on my birthday as he said, i won't even eat it.

sheesh.

(2nd cake: white chocolate cake )

Then i went back to bed crying and my day ended like that...wow.....theend...zzz

after thought of Cosfest 2009 - TOTAL PHAILUREEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...mew!

2009-07-12T17:24:00.000+08:00

:Morning:

went to Leon's house to dress up, i wore Kach's pink Yukata and it totally shocked Leon and he said i looked very stunningly beautiful and feminine. i ish so happy XDDDD

he snapped a pic of me before going out while i was lawl-ings at Word world on TV. (His sister was watching it until it turned into Harry Potter)

I helped him do makeup and make his hair nice nice, even helped him pick out his clothes from his closet. Surprisingly, he does has nice clothes but doesn't wear it.

i took his pic at lunch, Uber handsome XDDDDDDDDDDDD *swoons*

We went out only at noon, we went to timezone first and the staff there din recognize him until he talked to them. PHHHhhHHAhHHAHhahahaaaa......and then i talked to them for a bit while leon deal with his work stuff, they all agreed with me, he looked uber good looking like this~ A bit unlike him, but yeah, it's good~

Then we got on train with ppl keep staring at me!! *shy*

:Afternoon at Cosfest:

I can't believe what we're put up with here. Boxes that call themselves gundams, kamen riders with giant head, Odex jokers, Burgerking Sephiroth, Crossdressers with very phail face n no make up, oversized red gundam that i dun even want to mention which and Mask rider kabuto unbishi-fied.

Oh mais....my heart. URG

Honestly to say, it's quite boring there.

But thank god i have my friends there to play with and kinda have some time with Leon, so i won't complain too much about it.

lunch is ok~

And Hentai talked about his PSP having 2 girl ghosts now...Oh wow? (there in this pic ish Hentai's PSP) Honestly, i dun believe in it, since he no proven me anything about it or his ability to see things.

But we left around 4 plus, which ish good, since it's unbearably bored there and i dun even bother to take any pics...really....not much good cosing there.

:evening:

Went to Zi Han house to rant a bit about cosplay. Surprisingly, no one was surprised by his attire and makeup here and said he totally deserved it. wow? lols

But they kinda expected me to be stared at during the whole journey. wow? lols

Yeah, it still looks pretty 'Leon' and i only emphasized that point in him to make him a lot lot more cooler

Changed to Leon's jacket at Zi han room with them, only Zhi han was damned suprised. Sam (his sis) lol-ed at him. i was only wearing a binder and shorts inside, wow? sexy...??
HAhhaaa

But leon think ish damned obsence since, his shirt was so long, that it completely covered my shorts. Oh mais....the wrongness.

Then after playing Kamen Rider Kabuto PS2 and got OSU, we went back to leon house. Finally some peace and quiet as i change back to my own clothes and pack up. Then he accompanied me to the bus station and leaves after the bus comes.

then while waiting for my father when i reached my stop, i took a pic of the floor.

at least i know this is much more facinating than cosfest today.

then after i reached home n dieded, so zzz-ed.

Sick kitty

2009-06-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

Well, these few days can really feel my body phailing so much it's scary. I'm getting thin, this i know, since my bones are starting to petrude out and it aches sometimes when i wake up since i can feel like the muscles stretching around there. My tummy gets cramps and then i feels tired like almost all the time. (hopefully this is just because i lack of sleep)

i've got fainting spells again recently, and i shall assume that's not good at all? Ah well, what else can i do?

I get weird appetite, sometimes hungry that i eat 2,3 times my normal amount, sometimes bloated and no feel like eating. Plus there's this sorethroat going on for months and refuses to go away.

ahhhhh~
*crash*

And i ish thinking of stuff lately, so a bit down. *sigh* what the hell ish wrong with me??

Kitty went Saloon and got haircut >.<

2009-06-27T19:11:00.000+08:00

One of the days that i wake up in proper waking time, and went to the saloon.
But sadly, It was ruined...(especially my fringe) I feel so sadden.
It's cut too short and now poor kitty have to wait for months for it to row back to it's original length...

WHY DID I LET HER TOUCH MY FRINGE!!!!! TOT <-- Only let her did that because i lost my scissors

so howwwwwww.....??!!
I want my long long fringe backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!

SOMEONE GET ME CLIPPERS, EXTENSIONS, ANYTHING!!!!!B "O_Q"
WAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Lonely, lil' scardy cat

2009-06-14T04:41:00.000+08:00

Leon's gone to genting and i have a feeling i can't see him till tuesday. Not only that I'm lonely and scared, I'm extremely scared. Honestly to say, i don't like genting. It's like totally, haunted. That cursed place had brought many bad memories and experiences since childhood. Don't know if he'll see or feel anything weird like i did when i was there...Plus...the staff there (some of them) are not very nice and i don't like KL people. Well, generally, i don't like malaysia people. (not including me of course) let's see.....obnoxious, don't know how to apologies and very 'KAY-POH'(Busybody). *sigh* I just hope he's fine and having a nice time while on holiday.

he convinced me that he will be fine by making me cry saying "not like I'm going to die there or something", buying pudding and kitty. Well....I ISH STILL SCAREDDDDDDDDDDDDddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd....

i feels helpless n scared. >o< <--very phail mao.

Leon tells SK to take care of his kitty while he's away, so ya....i have whole company of friends taking care of this 'poor kitty'. I had fun, less lonely. BUT I STILL MISS HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! TOT
FASTER COME BACKKKKKkkkkkkk!!

Now anyways, i ish thinking about my birthday and christmas...i wonder where he's bringing me (since he forever so secretive of it)....hmmm.....and when's the chalet for EOY....

*mew mew mew mew mew mew mew*

What i learn from L4D

2009-06-05T10:32:00.000+08:00

Got two cows [lil' kitty jokes]

2009-05-06T13:30:00.000+08:00

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch..

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them..
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0..60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

And last but not least,

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.

Kitty no longer believes of hope and truth...

2009-05-04T18:27:00.000+08:00

Recently i realized of the fact that I sometimes, i can be quite an annoyance, while trying to 'be myself'.
I've been compared, criticized, disliked, disgusted and hated by people i love. So i wonder at times, If i should even 'be myself'. When people don't like me that way, and that if i 'change' myself, would that still be me, or somebody else?

I was told by a person many times, like this.
"So what if you can draw or that if you looked all pretty? You're just so rotten inside."
I don't have to state who, but you'll probably guessed, if you're someone who knows me well. (i hate him as hell.)

I don't get it. But it simply killed my pride, again and again, until i have nothing left to stand for. Left with only that empty shell, that tries to ignore those words again and again in failure.

It's contradicting, of whatever people tell me, and what ever my family tells me. just too confusing for me to comprehend. I'm just 'stupid' u know?

Leon cried because of that.
I once dazed out while being depressed and shot him with questions. (sadly to say, i was pretty calm that time, it shocked him.) Questions of 'If I am loved at all?', 'If i am hated?', 'Why does he tells me that, trying the whole time to convince me that I'm just rotten dirty slut and not even worthy to live in HIS house?'.

That's not my home you know? That room decorated with red roses n webs, posters, endless mangas, novels and dolls. The smell of lavender and scents of floral perfume with a tinge of green tea smell from the bathroom...

That does not belong to me.

That's what he tells me. I don't belong there at all.

I was known lately that even his wife and daughter are playing mind games with me. Secretly saying (in obvious tones), that I'm a slut, a liar and an outcast. I'm not just saying this... and i don't need to elaborate now, but...you probably already know how...

So what i have a lover? So what if I'm too smart for my own good? So what if I'm quiet and an introvert? So what if i love to bleed and hurt myself to find redemption?
I never did anything to bother them at all.

I'm just tired.

Tired of standing up, and in need of peace.
No more doubts,
no more arguments,
no more hatred,

Well, I wonder if that's possible.

Kitty ish betrayed by dentist... T-T

2009-04-20T14:47:00.000+08:00

He said it won't fall out for 2 years at least, but it only have been for like 2 months, and the tooth filling for ROOT CANAL treatment fell out. OMG...Nuuu...no want go through the 4 days pain n torture again T-T...

why...it ...fell...out....*sobs*

*emo somewhere*

Damned you Mr. Dentist.

Kitty's scribbles~

2009-04-15T18:22:00.000+08:00

Ish sakuran princedom vr. of Yuki. I ish beast summoner~

Ish~ Bun bun n Pumkin~!!

Gackpoid - Dancing☆Samurai [MMD PV]

2009-04-11T14:38:00.000+08:00

Ish Gackt's Vocaloid!!
The dancing Samurai!! With the other vocaloids of course!!
So cute~!! XDDDDD

Though is bad animation, in 3d sense. (It's animated kinda in a 2d way~) But it does not seem out of place though...
Hmmm....because they are vocaloids??
But cool~!!!

メス豚こきょう曲 (moe vr.) Krauzerタン .feat <3

2009-04-11T14:21:00.000+08:00

Flowers in Kitty's bed~!!

2009-04-11T01:47:00.000+08:00

Have u ever feel that long lasting tingling feeling, just by cuddling together with someone you love from deep now inside your heart?

Well, I felt that last night. That long lasting feeling that burnt a mark in my heart. Something had always longed from him...It's something we hadn't been doing in a long time...that timeless, calm feeling of just being loved and doted. The last time we had time like this was like back in december, the second day we're together...well until he....=_="
ok...I shall no run through the eeky stuff...

*skips through*

okok...
So....Just to say it's a very sweet and nice feeling.
Just lying now and cuddling in his arms while listening to corny cheezy love songs, that I'll never much listen to. But at that moment, it felt so beautiful and sweet and it reflects those eyes that were looking down at me, with that very gentle loving expression~ Then hugging me tight when i was snuggling in his arms.

The beautiful night were slightly spoilt by the skaters beside us though...but to me, those are insignificant as compared to this beautiful expression he had for me...that i can still remember it now the cold night which his warmth emitting and warming me up with a slight smile that it makes me feel all tinglish~
Hehehee...

Hopes we haves more of these little moments, instead of little disagreements that gets us apart.
^w^

Canz we please?? Leon sama~<3
(lawls~)

Kitty's totally crushed...again...

2009-04-04T19:43:00.000+08:00

If I'm so hate-able, why does no one ever tells me why? If you hate someone, will you tell them??

Being at this fucked up house is bad enough, keeping me 24/7 depressed and bringing me to the point that I'm always toying with my life, doing things I don't do normally. like, would u just hang yourself for nothing and wait, until u lose you breath and eventually struggles, that you finally let go? And would u just cut yourself so deep to see neverending flowing blood and wait till it stopped dripping that you go and wash it off and put on concealer, so no one will see it (especially people that worry about u)?

That happens to me, millions of time.

Things that just happens too much and too fast that eventually, I don't even know if I should cry at all. Since, probably I'm seasoned to it.

Everytime...erm well, sometimes...I called up Leon, just for help. Just emotional help, that hoping, he could just say something to make me forget or calm me down...Well....Just ends up with me crying and losing my voice all at once that make me realise...I can't even ask him or call him for help...

I cannot even save myself either...I don't have enough will to. Like as if, I meant for this to happen and eventually kill myself with it...for a long long time....it makes me wonder, if i ever longed for freedom and happiness at all. I'm always in this spiral that ends up only darker and darker when I realise how helpless i am and how much I just wish i could wash it all and ends all this with just a knife through my neck.

And and...

I don't know why adults don't like me of, even for people i love...it eventually happens to the point thay start hating me for no particular reason at all...and guess what, they refuse to tell me in person either.

Sometimes i wonder, what the hell i did and ponder so much that i get emo and stuff when i get confused. Because...I really wanted to correct whatever that is wrong with me.

But You know, sometimes things can't be helped.

My background is messy, my past is ruined and damned obvious that people just assumed that I will become someone that meant harm to others. Even for Leon's mother...She's someone I respected. I love her, for the care and concern she gave to me even though I'm much of a stranger to her. But soon when she suspects of me having depression, she told Leon to break up with me because she knew i called me (once) and started crying and that i can't talk. Leon didn't defended that, he just kept quiet about it and now hides from his mother the fact that we're still together.

My Mother always tells me that she will talk to me when i need help. But always, this happens when i talk and wants to just start a simple conversation with her. She will say that I'm just someone who has too much secret 'fullstop' and will not talk to me.

what the hell?!

She can talk to my sisters, about anything, like friends. Why not me?

My siblings always picked on me and bullied me, no one ever stands up for me. Even when i finally gets pissed what ever my prents will tell me is 'Why are u scolding them? They're still young, they're like this because of you. You set example to them, so they learn from you! And because they young, u bully them is you wrong! If they are your superior, you talk to them like this, you get fired!! You think you are very smart?? Then leave the house, don't live in the house if you don't do what i say!!"

what...just happened...actually?
I no longer know.

What did i do?

I don't even have the rights to defend myself anymore...

I rather just hide myself in the room, after that. Since i don't have the rights to say anything, since I am wrong?

I tell anyone about this, first, they think i like to whine and complain or either they think I am an abused child or that i have nothing better to do then just blame my parents because they scold me.

*sigh*

And more

I no longer understand. What Leon meant by he love me and will save me. That He will give and replace the love that my family and my ex can't give me.

Whatever he is saying...I doubted.
Not only once.

So I now knew...If i ever need for help when i depressed or sick. Do not call him unless I'm seating at an edge of a building or just happened in accident in critical condition in hospital, cause' i know...he will not come, yet just find me being nonsensical unless it's an emergency like me going to die within seconds.

I no longer understand. Whatever the importance of life is.
When ever i tell someone that, I realise...They not seemed to understand much and cared at all. I've heard too much of 'You can do this'. 'please don't cry' and 'I'm so sorry'....etc

The truth it, I can't.

whatever the 'I can help u' appeared to me as lies.
Since i have yet to see much prove at all...

'I will be with u all the way, call me and I'll do anything to help u...'
No one ever speaks the truth and that responsibility of these words are always gone whenever i gets serious about it.

If I'm as naive as a child that people decieve me, then that is just too much!
Too much for me to handle and say 'It's ok, I dont mind', when i know that those lies that they gave me really got me so upset. I'm a serious person, I know. I get too serious in promises and things that people tell me.

Leon tells me 'not all promises can be fulfill'.

But...Don't him not understand that how serious i treat this and makes sure that all my promises and that his promises to me can be fulfill?? That i slave myself and worked so hard and rush them for just that bit of time, that i wish to just be with him, just for a little bit. That i force myself to do things, so he can say i did a good job and I'm a good girl. I wanted to be perfect in everyway especially for him.

I just...

I don't know...too confusing...every of this.
I don't want to blame people for my depression either.

If I'm in just wrong, someone explain it to me please.

Mewsh for me!

2009-03-29T18:59:00.000+08:00

I should play more and slack more i guess. Keeping all coopped up is tha probably the reason why i am feeling depressed and suicidal and more sorts.

I got to meet the bakas again yesterday and really. I was happy the whole day and had a lot of fun, though my feet were killing me. (Stupid high heels, i should have brought my slippers with me....left it at leon's place)And I had a few new friends from kuro bara~ That's good right?? hehe!!

XDDDDDDD

Ok, A bit too high now because of coffee x coke.
lawls..

working this week was kinda....slacky...
always, trying to slack off by reading manga.
But oh well, i do still work really hard, so trying to play as hard. lols

thinking of composing new songs lately....hmmm....hope i have time...
cause' i really have some good tunes in my head!!
XDDDDDDDDDDd maybe i should get a cable and a guitar to play~

hehe~

Kitty's loves living with her Puddings~

2009-03-24T13:53:00.000+08:00

Stayed over at Leon's place last night.

Cause' I don't want to go home to see mw worse nightmares and depression roaming into my brains to kill cells that i need to work and ecchi-fied Leon LAWLS. Ya, so i kinda...erm...ran away from home for the day?

We spend our night together having supper after i bathe, that i can't finish and had him eat my leftovers. Then chit chat. Then he watched me do homework. Then accompanied me back to bed.

Though can't sleep with him in the same room, less talk about same bed... (Future mother-in-law ground rules <-- She's a pretty nice person though, I likes her) But i did feel really happy and fortunate to have stayed with my Love overnight under one roof. I had goodnight kisses and morning kisses!! and huggles and smacks and LAWLS the whole morning. (Though last night i keep thinking ghosts will come in, since the door is open and it's dark everywhere... But but at least that lasted only half an hour or so, then i fell asleep.)

such a pity that i am going back to JB later today... >.<

NUUUuuuuuu.... Me no want sleep one, two hours per day... ToT

I die....

But oh well.

At least for one day, i felt like we're married couples.

HAHhahaa....

He made me noms noms, shoo me to go do my morning rituals, trying the wake the morning zombie, help me dig for things i want...etc...

it's pretty interesting.

especially when I'm not awake in the morning normally, since I have low bp and this affects the way i react in the morning...cause' blood flow is SLOWWWwww in the brains... until i can't think and goes zzz everywhere. But oh well, i took it pretty easily, since I'm used to it. Being gong gong all the time when i sick or waking up in morning.

But I'm sure that if we ever got married and have life like this.

We'll probably be late for work pretty frequently...... <-- Phail

Kitty's Guilt...

2009-03-21T22:28:00.000+08:00

Everytime i want something from Leon, especially i beg for him to give us some more time to be together...that uneasy face of him gets me guilty once he agreed to me...

Why do i have to do this all the time?

Don't we already have like the whole free time together, in the morning and after school/work? How can i treat him and torture him like that? making him in s pot. when he has no money and when he's not free? Why am i so stupid and stubborn?!!!!!!

I don't want him to worry, less wanting to get upset about these small matters and when i get upset...I DON'T WANT TO GET HIM SO UPSET ABOUT IT! less that i wanna get him involved, and over worried about my well being all the time.

I know i am weak and an idiot. But...

I dunno...just the urge to be independent again?
it's always a struggle.
am i too dependent on him?

i feel that I'm getting more and more weak mentally and physically.

Getting emotional all the time and a lot of breakdowns and crying.
I must be going nuts...

Sherwin said is seriously need some professional help.

Well....do i?

Today he overhead some shitty stuff on the phone...got really upset and concerned about my well being. I dunno how to talk to him about it. since...You know. it's my matter. He shouldn't be too involved in the first place.

oh well....now he msged. ask if i wanna run away from home.

he must be outta his mind.

I'll call him later and talk to him.
I don't want him to be so upset. especially when it's because of me.

Kitty's doted and in distress...

2009-03-21T02:26:00.000+08:00

These few days went by so fast and soon it shall be last week of March and 1/3 of my IAP will be done soons. I missed my friends in school and back here in internet lala land~ I will call up people once in a while to talk. But... ^w^ I'm happy that they're doing good!

Reading accounts of ghost stories in SG, in a book lately and gets really papranoid about the paranomals....lols
I don't go public toilets, i never view at mirror unless it's broad daylight, and Don't go anywhere dark and cramp and creepy. LOLs
Won't even let go of Leon at night. Ah~ and gets very tensed up whenever i reached Newton Mrt stn....hues~ (read Russel Lee's book 3 of the singapore true ghost stories) Hehehes

Ah~ So much work lately...
stress and tired all the time.
no appitite and stuffs.

And Then my body is phailing lately...
I get gastric pains and dizzy fainting spells really easily. Not only because i skip meals, it's becaused I'm really stressed up. The tension in my body lasts a long time, only going off late at night that i can finally fall asleep. Not only pains and dizziness, my breathing had been deeply affected as well. hyperventilation, panic attacks..all kinds off shitty health problems dropping themselves on me. But oh well, I'm eating well lately thanks to Leon~ Who is main provider of my nom noms. lols

I missed Leon every now and then whenever I am alone. I must be really really obsessed with him or something, since i dream about him every weekend without fail.

But things happened.
Maybe i am doted too much, so things got a little way too out off hands with my bipolar disorder and autistic self all back to haunt me, Leon and many others around me. He lets me bite him and hit him...but it gives me really big guilt to do this. cause' I never wanted to hurt him, but my depression gave way and i did it. He didn't want me to hurt myself...so he kinda sacrificed himself for it.

This morning, he was already pretty concerned about those wounds which are gonna get really ugly scars on my arms. There's no way i can save them i guess...but i din' regret doing any all these shit to myself though. just guilt makes me very upset, like i have done something wrong and bad to Leon. Sometimes, i get irritated by him because of little stupid things (<-- I shouldn't be so petty, but i can't help it) that he didn't intend to do, and i gets cold and ignores him and sometimes, bite him.

I guess...whatever i am now is well...torturing him. I know it gets him really upset when I emo or do stupid things or when i treat him coldly.

Sometimes I get confused, kinda emotionless for no reason and i feels like breaking off my limps and hurt myself. then i would calm down for no reason, still being very confused.

I was like that on wednesday...I was in total confusion...started talking about people treating me in a very calm tone. I wasn't feeling upset at all. just being all numb and tired in my tone.

Leon cried.

He was crying for me.
He said i was in pain. And that well, i just didn't realise it...that how much pain i kept in myself.

Well...am i?

He refuses to give me a straight answer though...but nevermind. I guess, it's just something i cannot comprehend and understand. (=^w^=)"

But he cares a lot about me. I must be more 长进 so that he can be more proud of me!
YOSH! I shall be guai~

(cause' scared of ur punishment) lol
But ya...i try to be guai....

...a bit.

hehe.

Both our mothers found out our relationship i guess.

Leon's mom was too smart for him, so the answers were leaked.
She accepted me of course, but with gentle reminders for Leon to not end us up in a broken matrimony.
My mom...she had a stalker following me i guess, and totally disagree on the fact that i can love and thinks that I'm some kind of slut.

The first thing i hear from her when i reach home after a week was "Someone saw a guy being intimate with u in the train...you don't come back if anything happens...the guy will never take responsibility if i get pregnant..."...etc
what the hell?!!

Leon will never abandon me like that!

plus, so what if I'm being intimate with him? He's my one and only true boyfriend, i love him. AND I DON'T FLIRT AS MUCH AS SHE DID WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER DUH~! I don't need to be like her and get pregnant before marriage.

Though I'm dumb, I still know how to be careful and things like that and I KNOW for sure, Leon will take care of me no matter what. He's smart in these matters. (I only smart technically and acadamically)

Well, yeah.

I know I will find happiness and secure finally now.
I believe with this love we had for each other can pull us through anything, for us, each other.

^w^

Kitty will turn out to be the princess with happy ending with true love, right?

Tagged by Jovelle

2009-03-21T02:23:00.001+08:00

you have been tagged in this, write the names down of the 21 people then answer the questions. Say you’re guessing if you don’t know, but at least guess on all of them. After doing this, tag your 21 friends to do the same:

List 21 random people:

1. Ken
2. Leon
3. Leonard
4. Adrian
5. Weipeng
6. Yoshi
7. Carl
8. Sky (Spikey pein)
9. Darryl (Jiraya)
10. Nick (Nicholas - Shino)
11. ita chan (fame - Itachi)
12. Ebi (blind Pein)
13. Rog
14. Renee
15. SK
16. KC
17. KT
18. Kai
19. Chibi Sai
20. Key
21. Taks

*How did you meet 7?
person.com

*What would you do if you had never met 15?
Then Tobi probably won't be a good boy and never had formed Akatsuki "O_Q" NUUUUuuuuu....

*What would you do if 20 and 1 dated?
HHAhahhahahahhaaa Key and Ken??? IMPOSSIBLE....but if it happens...i think it'll be wierd...>.< kenken will be 2-timing.lols

*Have you ever seen 17 cry?
no

*Would 3 and 6 make a good couple?
HAHhahaaaa......YAOI!!!!!

*Would 4 and 16 make a good couple?
no no no no no no no no no no no no NON ON ON ONONONONONONONONONONOO OOOOOOO........

*Describe 19:
short. looks like girl. gentle friendly nice reserved....short.

*Do you like 17?
YESHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

*Do you think 21 is attractive?
Oh yeah, he hash pretty legs!! Cheers for DADDY~

*What is 5’s favorite color?
he doesn't have any preference i think. it's probably black.

*When was the last time you talked to 9?
last week

*What language does 11 speak?
mandarin, english, Singlish...that's it

*Who is 13 going out with?
Nobody at the moment.

*What year is 16 born in?
1988

*What is 14’s favorite music?
Ticket outta loserville

*Would you ever date 7?
EEks...That'll be wrong.....he'll be a pedophile. >.<

*Would you ever date 3?
No, then I'll be a pedophile.

*Where does 18 live?
I dunno

*What is the best thing about 4?
He ish very caring n fun

*What would you like to tell 10 right now?
I WANT UR L4D INSTALLATION DISC NOW!!

*What is the best thing about 20?
She loves me a lot!

*Have you ever kissed 1?
No.

*What’s the best memory you have of 9?
HAhhahaa...our huggles~

*When’s the next time you’re going to see 4?
i dunno.

*Is 2 pretty?
OF COURSEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! *kisses my love*

*What was your first impression of 15?
SK: NO HUGS MEEEEEEeeeee.......*gets tickled* HAHahhahhahahHAHhahahaa...

*How did you meet 3?
Baka Ninja first meeting.

*Is 5 your best friend?
Hahhahaaa....if he wants to, WE CAN!

*Have you seen 18 in the last month?
HAhhaha yeah, and yesterday and the days before that and the day before and before and before...

*When was the last time you saw 16?
Yesterday

*Have you been to 21’s house?
Nope

*When’s the next time you’ll see 10?
I dunno for sure.

*Are you really close to 6?
Not really.

*Have you been to the movies with 4?
nope~

*Have you gotten in trouble with 8?
Nah~We're buddies~

*What did 12 write on your wall?
Nahhhhh he no facebook

*Would you give 19 a hug?
*HUGSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssssssssssssss* XDDDD

*When have you lied to 13 ?
sometimes....i have to do it. since he ish very funny to tease with. LOLS

*Do you know a secret about 11?
nope and dun wanna.

*Describe the relationship between 12 and 18.
they dunno each other.

*Has 1 met your mother?
no

YAY~ done, now ur turn.
(lazy to tag leh....since i tag in fb liaos...so i shall forgo this...)

Urg....Kitty gots nomed by life.

2009-03-15T01:45:00.000+08:00

Don't really know what the hell is wrong with me until i got slapped in the face during jap class, by a newspaper article about women getting depression.

I probably knows about it. But well, never much cared since I don't think it's important. Well, until me tryng to jump off a railing last thursday caught my attention. mewshhhhh.....*sigh*...

Am i being too hard on myself lately i wonder.
Or is just lacking to sleep my problem, that i stopped trying to be kind to myself.
I don't know.

But either way...thank god i have Leon~

Else i had not lived till now.

爱是很伟大的!!
(=^w^=)

If you want to know what happen...read on...

What happened was, i was really stressed that day.
My arms filled with scratched and marks from days before and the current day, done by myself. (I'm pathetic i know and i look like I've been abused. My arms looks rotten and torn.) I got irritated and frustrated, and i kinda took it out on him, once he mentioned another girl's name, praising her and such. I hate that.

Then he ignored me for a bit. I was really hurt. Though i was still smiling and such, i was really scared that he'll get upset. About I'm scared that him getting angry it's an excuse. Not that I'm that afraid of him, but I'm more afraid that he'll hate me for that. Being so stupid and all.

I was really messed up. I refused to move, once i reached woodlands station. Refused to go anywhere and I'm left to sit down and refused to talk. I am really really feeling much frustration that I'm very destructive and refused to let Leon or anybody touch me. So leon really left me alone...for like an hour plus or 2. I was so scared. I cried...I tried to call people but many of them didn't answer until i reached ah boy. I seriously was thinking of suiciding; jumping off the railing in front of me. I was standing there and talking with ah boy until i got a bit irritated by the phone. So i sat down again and quickly call Leon before anything stupid happens to me.

He said he was near his house block...

I have nothing to say. Why is he so far away? (Leon told me on the phone today that he was intially near me, just across...but he kinda wondered off while talking on the phone with hentai) I dunno...that's probably a lie. But...It doesn'y make sense...if he were to be watching me why did he leave and didn't see me holding n pushing myself already half way off the railing trying to balance myself while making a choice to die or live.

but oh well.
I thought of him and our promises. so i decided to call him.

Then he came back.

i was literally shivering as i saw him approaching me. then he came around me and gave me a hug. I cried again.

I was hugging him so tight, tears was flowing out like a tap and me apologising unstop with my barely recognizable voice and volume. He tried to call my home, He was about to ask them if i could stay with him for tonight, since i not in the condition to go home, but my sisters hung his call. So he accompanied me to the interchange to see if there's still the last bus home. (Luckily there is and i went home)

But then again. I pondered.

Why didn't i kill myself that night and
why did i try to kill myself that night?

So again. Thank god for Leon, before i tried to do anything. You know...if that day, if Leon was angry or didn't answer...I would have jumped off for real. Thank you dar for loving me, and saving me. (=^w^=)

Kitty Sees Pudding...

2009-03-08T09:19:00.000+08:00

*random posts*
I SEES IT!!

*pounces*

OOPSS!! "O_O
It falls out of window...

"O_Q"

Kitty Loves Mango Pudding and YOU knows it!

Pogi ko

Not as before

Mewwww...>.< *pokes waist*

Leh-BITTTT

Rabbit appeared again!!♥

Kitty's day

Funny Bunny

Kitty print screen messages

Kitty had a l♥vey day~!

Kitty hoping not to regret...

29th March: Grandpa just passed away

I'm not selfish, it's just that i believe in a fair trade.

Kitty rants about history...

Kitty's message to mah haters

http://personaldna.com/

You are a Cautious Visionaryabout you: You are a Visionary

If you want to be different:

how you relate to others

You are Cautious

If you want to be different:

Your Personal DNA Maps (Above)

Your Personality Chart

Kitty's health not getting any better during CNY

Happy Lunar New Year Humans!!

FINALLY KITTY GOT HER FLUFFINESS ALL STRAIGHTENED AGAIN!!

Kitty moves on...

My last message to him...

Obsessed over Gorillaz

"Just Want You To Know"

Kitty gets cut on face...

Finally a "I love you"...

Kitty gets heart pain and PHAIL health

Cutting away

Queer Sweet Romance

CONFUSED AND PISSED OFF!!

"LOOK WHAT U DID AGAIN YOU STUPID CAT!"

A Nostalgic dream...

Kitty tots...

Kitty and Bear Bear's one LAST chance...

Kitty miss her Bear Bear!!

The Pillar of my Life...

Kitty's New Date...

'Forever'

Happy Mid Autumn Festival!!

Alone again...

Oks PPL KITTY ISH BACK SAVE AND SOUND AND FOR GOOD!!

Bye bye peoples, see you guys in Early October...

两个人在一起久了，是会上瘾的～

Getting upset again...

Emotion in shreds...

Kitty says her 'if's...

Upset and tired....kitty should nap...

Solution to cat scratching...

Lovey kitty

Can't sleep at night again, nocturnal kitty

Kitty tears as soon as i close my eyes in the dark...

Emotional Kitty

Finally graduating from NYP mew~

While waiting for Lappy to recover itself, kitty rants...

Kitty being in and out and BACK INTO DEEP WATERS AGAIN!!

Kitty hates the humans on the high chair...

New year's resolution 2o1o

Mewsh After Thoughts for the Last Week

Rotting kitty...

Mewsh, a waste of time...

Kitty loves at Miyavi and sees still bitty of self

KItty don't even deserves anything...

Worthless kitty?

Kitty's review: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

I ISH LIKINGS OF EFFECTS NYA!!

Kitty hates online HJJ...

Life of a Stone Cat

CHIKIBO!!!

One of Mewsh fav illustrators!!

Kitty delusions....

Mew's Mayan's Divination

Kiva x Sasword~<3

Locked and bored kitty.

Hatred, Fear, Confusion, Denial...

Mewwww...>.< pokes waist

You are a Cautious Visionary
about you: You are a Visionary