Wednesday, December 11, 2013

heh?

Don't know what's right or wrong with him again. But i think somewhat. for today, my prayers have been answered and he is suddenly exceptionally sweet. =3

Hope it can be like dat all the time.

Don't think he had read my blog or anything yet though. Don't even think he remembers the address, hahaha. But ah wells. 2 more days. so nervous.

But at least he thought my fav dress looks smoking on me. Hehe!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I hate him, but i don't want to, then again, i don't know.

Because i love a person, my heart only remember that one good things and believing and staying...sometimes i do wonder but is that kindness representative of who the person really is?

Then i totally hate myself for thinking that way.

So confused. Don't know whether to hate him or myself, more towards myself i guess. Since i don't want to put myself in that position to hate someone i love so much at times when he acts like a jerk.

*sigh* Don't know what to think anymore.

Not that things are going that bad, but it isn't really going uphill as well.

Probably because the chase is over, he felt there's not longer a need for sweetness and that touch a flirtatiousness, well just things like that which i usually love and enjoy. More of the just want me to do nothing, shut up and i felt no longer looked at.

No hugs and kisses when i am sad, no longer always telling me that i am his. Always raising his voice instead of talking it out nicely, usually put me in the "wrong" position to take the blame. So i am constantly reminded that i am at fault. No apology for making me feel bad. I don't know, he says he feels there's nothing to feel guilty about making things right for him. But i just isn't sure anymore and it's eating me inside every time i just wipe the problem off my shoulder because he doesn't want to continue talking about it anymore, praying that one day i will wake up and everything will change. Like he will be loving towards me again for who i am, stop having prejudice over me just because his brother keeps making fun of me and said i am drama and i just want all the bad things to stop, stop saying that i am annoying or at fault for problems that sparks from things we accidentally do, stop ignoring me, stop not saying that you love me, stop mentioning about how others girls are better than me, stop asking me to change, stop saying that i am just drama and a problem, stop STOP STOP. i just want them to just stop and go away.

I know he still have feelings for me, still love me. but i don't understand why is it like that already after merely 2 years. "Numb", as how he describes it and thinks it should be.

I am still not bored of him. I never did get bored of being in love with him, still find ways to be flirty (though he hardly responds to it) or be loving (though people just laugh at me for my efforts) I want to be there for him and vice versa. just as simple as that, like every girl wishes to be. I just wanted to be treated that way, want to feel that way, loved, appreciated.

Sometimes i feel so upset, i wondered why am i sticking on with a guy that makes me feel so worthless of myself, like i am always making a fool of myself by doing anything at all. Someone who doesn't tell like to tell me, he loves me, miss me or if i look good, unless i ask him, only because i want to hear it after days of not hearing it. Sometimes, at least i wish he would say he is sorry for making me cry, he didn't mean to and that he was just trying to talk to me about something that isn't so good about the situation. Something like this. Instead, i am the only one apologizing like a fool and telling him i still love him while he just take it as it is. Is like i am the only person putting effort in this relationship, the only one who wants to love him. I thought of giving up at times, then again, i love him a lot, i feel is stupid to break up with him just because he doesn't say all those things and give me enough affection and attention.

So ya, just upset like this...i really wish the situation will  just change and be loved again. Not just for the short term, but for the long run...

Just like this.

One sincere apology,
lots of words of affection
and a finger to wipe away my tears.

3 more days to see him again...i really don't want to spoil the moment and i also dun like him spoiling it either. Cannot just be super lovey dovey until then?

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Dec 7 Hair length

So this is how long my hair is now.


A lot longer and super thick now. need some trimming ah. So freaking irritating when it fluffs up in a hot day. I am thinking of rebonding and recoloring my hair again~ no likes fluffy black hair~!