Wednesday, December 11, 2013

heh?

Don't know what's right or wrong with him again. But i think somewhat. for today, my prayers have been answered and he is suddenly exceptionally sweet. =3

Hope it can be like dat all the time.

Don't think he had read my blog or anything yet though. Don't even think he remembers the address, hahaha. But ah wells. 2 more days. so nervous.

But at least he thought my fav dress looks smoking on me. Hehe!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I hate him, but i don't want to, then again, i don't know.

Because i love a person, my heart only remember that one good things and believing and staying...sometimes i do wonder but is that kindness representative of who the person really is?

Then i totally hate myself for thinking that way.

So confused. Don't know whether to hate him or myself, more towards myself i guess. Since i don't want to put myself in that position to hate someone i love so much at times when he acts like a jerk.

*sigh* Don't know what to think anymore.

Not that things are going that bad, but it isn't really going uphill as well.

Probably because the chase is over, he felt there's not longer a need for sweetness and that touch a flirtatiousness, well just things like that which i usually love and enjoy. More of the just want me to do nothing, shut up and i felt no longer looked at.

No hugs and kisses when i am sad, no longer always telling me that i am his. Always raising his voice instead of talking it out nicely, usually put me in the "wrong" position to take the blame. So i am constantly reminded that i am at fault. No apology for making me feel bad. I don't know, he says he feels there's nothing to feel guilty about making things right for him. But i just isn't sure anymore and it's eating me inside every time i just wipe the problem off my shoulder because he doesn't want to continue talking about it anymore, praying that one day i will wake up and everything will change. Like he will be loving towards me again for who i am, stop having prejudice over me just because his brother keeps making fun of me and said i am drama and i just want all the bad things to stop, stop saying that i am annoying or at fault for problems that sparks from things we accidentally do, stop ignoring me, stop not saying that you love me, stop mentioning about how others girls are better than me, stop asking me to change, stop saying that i am just drama and a problem, stop STOP STOP. i just want them to just stop and go away.

I know he still have feelings for me, still love me. but i don't understand why is it like that already after merely 2 years. "Numb", as how he describes it and thinks it should be.

I am still not bored of him. I never did get bored of being in love with him, still find ways to be flirty (though he hardly responds to it) or be loving (though people just laugh at me for my efforts) I want to be there for him and vice versa. just as simple as that, like every girl wishes to be. I just wanted to be treated that way, want to feel that way, loved, appreciated.

Sometimes i feel so upset, i wondered why am i sticking on with a guy that makes me feel so worthless of myself, like i am always making a fool of myself by doing anything at all. Someone who doesn't tell like to tell me, he loves me, miss me or if i look good, unless i ask him, only because i want to hear it after days of not hearing it. Sometimes, at least i wish he would say he is sorry for making me cry, he didn't mean to and that he was just trying to talk to me about something that isn't so good about the situation. Something like this. Instead, i am the only one apologizing like a fool and telling him i still love him while he just take it as it is. Is like i am the only person putting effort in this relationship, the only one who wants to love him. I thought of giving up at times, then again, i love him a lot, i feel is stupid to break up with him just because he doesn't say all those things and give me enough affection and attention.

So ya, just upset like this...i really wish the situation will  just change and be loved again. Not just for the short term, but for the long run...

Just like this.

One sincere apology,
lots of words of affection
and a finger to wipe away my tears.

3 more days to see him again...i really don't want to spoil the moment and i also dun like him spoiling it either. Cannot just be super lovey dovey until then?

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Dec 7 Hair length

So this is how long my hair is now.


A lot longer and super thick now. need some trimming ah. So freaking irritating when it fluffs up in a hot day. I am thinking of rebonding and recoloring my hair again~ no likes fluffy black hair~!

Sunday, November 3, 2013

3.11.13

It's our 2nd year Anniversary today.

I cried, i cried the whole of last night, i am probably all dried up inside and out of energy to continue now after crying for 2 days straight without eating or bathing. So i probably am unlovably stinky.

I want them to all go away now, everything and everyone else.

Waiting, only for him, just him. I want nothing else.

I don't want his lies nor his fake promises. All i want is to be loved and cared upon, for once, treat me like a girl, a lover and a friend. Not just go away mamao, or tell me he'll be back soon but never did.

3.11.11
i waited him all night while he went drinking with his friends. He came back near dawn, drunk as fuck. Telling me to fall for him and promises that he'll catch me if i fall.

3.11.12
he scolded me, when i was trying to make the night better so i could at least celebrate our first year together. I was so upset, but still put some effort to make peace for us, praying at least for this day. It's to celebrate our love. It ended ok, but my heart was in pieces, it was never fixed.

3.11.13
I cried all night, knowing he forgotten about me, his promise, today's date and its meaning for us, while merry making with the people around him right now.

He woke up at 9+
I scolded him <-- br="" buey="" i="" song.="" very="">He tries to joke (not funny when u say u want someone sister in your harem. it's same like telling him i want his brother n him as my reverse-harem)

Now less mad, but still not satisfied.

I hope though, that he does listened to wat i said. analyze as he always does and actually do something about it instead of pushing it off until the next time same thing happen and my heart breaks again. Hard to pick up myself when i fall, is very hard...i also will tired putting up with his shit one ma, i also human will get upset and stress one.

But i'll just be holding on since there's still something that i believe in him, i believe that he was and will still be that person i fell for.

That he'll be there to catch me whenever i fall.

Friday, November 1, 2013

"I'm just this shitty little nothing" am i?

Even though the days i been with him physically is less than a year itself, but it already made a habit of me sleeping facing to my right with my arms out; just to sleep facing him, having him enjoy being the little spoon. All the time i try to please him, be the best i can be, yet i still get insulted by his brother, saying i do not know my place and that he should dump me since i am ugly, bitchy or slutty. I enjoy watching him and hearing him talk or smile at me, but it seems he'll smile at the whole world, at anyone, except for me.

I often wonder what is wrong, did i not treat him right? Is love not enough? Do i not matter to him anymore?

I sometimes hear others say, when i love someone, i should accept his good and bad side, be there for him when he is down and maintain peace within relationship by being more giving and understanding. Did i not do enough? I wonder if i am a bad lover, for someone to be shoo or shun upon when either of us are in a bad mood. How many nights did i stay awake crying, just thinking and reflecting about how i might be hated by him.Then each rare time he said "lab" to me again, i thought i am forgiven, then it will soon go back to 'i dun want to deal with u, tell me later when u feel better".

how much i wish (i really wish that) he could just try to comfort me instead of pushing me away or ignoring me. But ack, i just feel like this shitty little nothing that deserves nothing from him. Then i considered the part that i probably deserves it because i made him frustrated since he can't do anything to deal with the cause, annoyed since i interrupted something he is doing at the moment or guilty for various reason he feels not necessary, all the more that he doesn't want to deal with it because i am this shitty little nothing that is so troublesome that i shouldn't deserve any form of love or affection given my circumstances and should solve my emotional turmoil by myself alone.

pms huh. i am always having pms huh?

i really hate when he put it that way. having period is first disgusting, i never liked the thought of  or having it and never will. I HATE STUPID 9GAG MAKING PERIOD JOKES, putting into the mind of everyone that girls when upset = period is just rude. it is sexist, insulting and extremely offensive in the worse situations. What's so funny about it? I feel like it's just a way to push the guilt of a problem back to the girls themselves, instead of accepting a problem and trying to solve it together. 9gag and all its stupid offensive jokes has been related to me thru his mouth, making me just feel like i'm this shitty little nothing that deserves to be humiliated and insulted for the sake of it because there's some truth in those jokes that reflects in me.

Every time i feel like i am in the bad side and i cant climb out of it. When his brother insults me (for fun or so he says) and i get hurt, it's my fault that i can't deal with this fun and there's nothing i can do about it. Each time i feel upset over something, it's my fault because i am probably the one who caused it and i should deal with the after effects myself. When i have problems at home here, it doesn't affect anyone except me, so i should deal with it myself. i am not allowed to interrupt a good game play, whether i am playing it or not and i probably should quit playing because I SUCK and am such a NOOB. No matter how much i played and improved on my own trying to catch up and play at a "same level" as anyone, i am still being called that and it hurts. If i were to kill myself, he'll just be sad, it's wrong to stop me because its my decision to do so.


i wonder, if i were to go missing one day all of a sudden, would he ever thought of going looking for me, or would he just leave me be because it is troublesome to do so and he have other priorities? I never asked him this, i am scared of hearing the answer to this situation.

Each time i ask if i am important, he'll reply that i am. Yet i do not feel so and this makes him upset, because i am like not appreciative. But it's not like i have no reason to feel so, i am not longer given much affection and attention, more often ignored than not. He always seem to want me to be doing something else or asleep while i am trying to engage with him, i wonder if he wishes for me to just go away and don't bother or step into his life at all. When i try to dress up and have fun with me, it's always a rejection and he'll go to bed soon after that, leaving me hanging alone, after all the courage i put up just to look beautiful and confident. One rejection, followed by being ignored, i feel like a wake up call to me. Reminding me of how ugly i am...and how a pitiful attempt i am making to beg for his attention like that.

I am so ugly and pitiful.

I know i am not beautiful, nor have the prettiest heart, neither am i good in doing anything in particular, can't cook, eat properly and have no table manners, i can't even hold my liquor well and make embarrassment in public. I wonder what am i to him really, what do i mean in his life. Am i just there for him because he has the lack of choice for a lover? Did i think too highly of myself, that i am the only one in his heart and he'll only love and care of me? If so, why do i feel loveless from him?

Am i wrong to think like that? That he doesn't care for me or something along that line? Or am i wrong to think that because i am his lover i should be prioritized in his life?

Am i arrogant? Did i just get too arrogant just because of a few times he said that "mamao is pretty/cute", just to make me feel good about it. Am i arrogant to think i am in a high place in his heart to deserve the most love and treated right by him though he is not oblige to give me or please me, since it's only me that think that he'll give me happiness. eventually. "He's still not mature enough to consider or deal some things," that's what i tell myself every time i couldn't get his affection, or am i just blaming him. Most of the time i would just blame myself, telling myself that i probably want too much from him, it's things he can't give me.

I can't have a hug, or a kiss, or any words of comfort.

cannot mamao.

no mamao no.

no.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

September 4, Hair length report.

It is now longer than my eyes area. I am thinking i should trim my bangs a lil, it's starting to get thick what do u think?? How's the growth rate of my hair??


Monday, July 22, 2013

Is half a month past the hair disaster.

My hair growing longer and longer. i got to another saloon to have a trim and my hair looks so much better now as it grows out.

Sure my face looks as round as ever, but it's improving everyday. ribbon works well in covering anything eeky, i am kinda falling in love with clipping ribbons on my hair. I ish make chant spell everyday for hair to grow faster, i think it works.

Stretch it
twist it
make it grow
like a river 
let it flow
three times fast shall it hair grow
this is my will
so mote it be.

=)

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Trying to make the best out of bad situation...

Since my hair is beyond repairable for now, i guess i just have to do something to make me feel good i guess? putting on makeup doesnt seem to make me look any better, so saddening, so eh....i just went to tie my hair in a way i think makes me look good.


I apologize for no makeup and my naturally dead looking face. So how does it look, u can see some black parts there, my hair's been growing out from the brown part i dyed around christmas 2012. Thus, why my hair gets rounder when it's shorter, since there's no long hair weight to pull the hair all straight down anymore.

i wonder how long it has grown though and how fast it will grow...it's not a lot i think, but i hope it will grow faster with all the treatments/massaging i've been doing to my head. u may think i bimbo la, worry so much about it. Have u heard dat hair is girl's life. it is important to me, splitends or not. hope i can get it to a length it so long by dec, dat after i rebond it, i'll never have to worry about it again. but i doubt la. probably need wait until next year to do the rebonding. So eh....have to wait and always tie my hair when i go out i guess.

So sad. ="<

Bad haircut days.


So i had a bad haircut at a saloon that turned my hip length hair into this:

  
i refuse to live with this. wat fashion?!! it looks so stupid.

So i got soooooo frustrated they turned my into this thick thing, telling me this is supposingly the now "in" thing. Do you think i care about that?? I WANT HAIR!! I told the freakin lady to trim my hair to get rid of the split ends and i intend for it to grow to knee length, not change my hairstyle with like 6 inches off! And so the haircut has also cut away my ego and confidence. (i was very proud of my long hair before i cut it though it has many spliends) So shit, what have been done is done, i am never going back to a saloon to get my hair cut ever again.

I had to fix my hairstyle back at home. at first under frustration, i kinda ruined it and i am force to fixed, so now it ended up something like this.



Well this is the best i can fixed it, as u can see it got shorter thus my hair is starting to bob up thanks to the shortness of it and i hate it. the side bangs have became too short. Mac said i look boyish now which make me even sadder. i hope my hair grows faster, i am trying out all hair growing techniques online to get my hair to grow faster, i hope i'll look back to normal by the end of the year to look like this again...



wish my luck man....eesh it looks like mushroom even then. but ehhh....anything better than it looks like now.
I shall try take photo like every 1-2 month to observe my hair growth....pray man....prayyyyy

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Nervous...

Ish going to see my mamac soon in like 36 hours time. I feel so nervous, my heart's racing and i can't sleep. Thinking back the past few months hasn't been great for us is one factor why i'm getting so nervous, the other  reason is because i hate to come to him, them leaving like dat early in the morning again. that thought and memories of the last time at the airport had really really freaked me out. Now i have airport phobias. I scared to cry in public.

Mac house today no electricity, no internet. it has been days since i last heard his voice. So i'm kinda at the jittery panicky mode without him being by my side reassuring me. He should be sleeping now, i miss him a lot. well. just have to hold on a bit more then i can sleep in peace. I wanna tell him so much i wanna be with him and scared to leave him. ="< yeah it sounds stupid, being scared of airport just because i cried at the airports before. hate crying alone la!

just a bit more and i'll see him again. Hope it be great and loving this time!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Missing and missing him and i wonder if he gets bored of listening to me saying how much i miss him.

As the post title says.

Seriously, i am wondering if guys get tired of listening to girls saying that they miss him over and over again. Do they find it sweet? Boring? Or just plain annoying? 

I've heard that a thousand times girl. I KNOWWWWW that you miss me, well can you stop saying it already? Eh, something like that.

Nonono, Mac didn't actually said that. I am just wondering plainly out of curiosity because Mac always says is boring to keep saying or listening to something over and over again. LABBB!! Ish true i miss him, but when i say it too often, does the meaning get lost?

I know this LDR will last for quite a few years, I don't really like it like that but what other choices do we have. Is always missing here missing there, then cry cry, then see mac, leave mac, then cry cry. I think far ahead sometimes, that's the only thing i can look forward and be happy about our love. I didn't plan to be together with this guy just to end up in a break up you know? Took me much courage and the trust between us to come to this day, i am not going to let it go away, easily or not so easily, I am NEVER going to let him go. I have much confidence we'll end up together even in the graves. But at least, before whatever officially happens, we're able to get closer and closer before then. Seeing someone on skype isn't as same as holding the person in your arms you know? Technology may have distorted the meaning of that "he's here with you", but in reality, there's nothing and you know better than that.  I envy couples around me that can meet each other as and when they like, yet still quarrel all the time. Well, not envying the quarreling time of course, just the gift that they can just touch their partner as and when, is such a big thing to me while small thing to them. Sometimes i go out, i see couples quarreling in public about things that actually shouldn't matter to them now; Ex-gf/bf, time going out, money spent on dates, talking with friends, guy play to much games, girl too materialistic, bf/gf's friends/family sucks etc etc. What the hell?

I learned from this relationship, how precious it is, that feeling to just look at him right in front of you, feel his warmth from the skin, his scent through your nose, his voice not distorted by the network/speaker. It feels so magical and blissful just to have something as simple as that. No need for fancy dates or any special events. It's nice to have some surprises, it makes time even more memorable and special together, but i am good with just snuggling with him and sleep while he plays his NBA while ignoring me. Just something simple knowing he IS PHYSICALLY HERE with me, I am happy already.

- Enters crybaby mode -
I really miss him you know?

Just need that little hug from this only 1 person. I have not touched him for 25 days already...i cried the last time he hugged me, he bought me candy to aid in the motion sickness during the flight, i still have some of it since i cried myself to sleep when the plane took off. I woke up reaching a land so "foreign" to me and he is no longer here with me. I have no choice to accept reality, you cannot expect me to just drop there and cry wanting to fly back to him asap, forgoing everything and stay with him forever without any consequences right? It was the most painful day i felt since i been with him. I didn't cry because we quarrel, instead, is because i need him. I am so scared of the separation with him, i fear so much to be away from him not knowing when i will see him next and if he'll be fine the next time i see him. I cry and cry all the time, i felt so bad for making him worried as well, but i can't help it. Sometimes i just try hard and be swept away by his cheerfulness or act cheery to cheer myself up, sometimes when it can't happen i end up crying again.

I just to wait a little more i guess. Wait for mac to get stable with his life, wait for me to pick up basic tagalog, wait till i earn a little more...well that goal is actually not too hard since i can save up money easily. Just about a year more, mac maybe graduate then. It be good if he can work here in Singapore with me, we can rent a small apartment or single room together. But i wouldn't hope too much on that, since i know Mac loves Philippines a lot, probably won't leave. I would love to work in Philippines as well, if i were to live there. Still, need to pick up language in case somebody disturb me and for communication purposes.
Am i thinking a little too far for Mac? I worry i might scare him away instead of him feeling sweet about it.

I really want to know how he feels, but is so difficult to guess. Mac plays riddles, i usually dunno wat the hell he is thinking most of the time. I can only anticipate his habits and behaviors  but i hope i am doing more good than harm for him. He not baby, i shouldn't worry.

Maybe i am just worried for myself because i selfish and spoiled by him, want to have him all the time.

Hmm...

Monday, January 28, 2013

Nostalgia at its best.

Today i chatted with Poy and just keeping her company, since she's depressed over some issues. We exchanged some stories of ourselves and other random chat. it seems to be quite successful to make her feel little bit better. I am glad. =)

Talking about bit and pieces, remembering all the past 2 years me and mac have been through really bring back a lot of good memories. All the little arguments, affection, pick up lines etc etc, all the little cute things mac and me have done. How i fell for him, how i knew he's the one, how i realize i need him more than anything in my life. I also discovered soooooooo many cute pics of mamac in Poy's albums of Mac when he was younger. SO CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!! Hehe Cutest boy eberrrrrrr!! I am sho happy. Orkai can DAI HAPPY NAO~! Hehehe.

Must show off...so cute right?? SO EFF-ING CUTE!!! (si Poy, Johnel at Macky Boi) WAH ang kyut talaga!

Well, i have been reminiscing our history much as well while mac playing his game. just talk and talk, enough to make me savour and remember all the sweet sweet moments over and over again. i know it totally sounds silly to keep looking at pictures/blog posts/comments mac made over and over again. just cannot get sick of it. I am wierd, i know.

Feels so sweet and happy these days.

Miss Mamac so much.

And Poy.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Day 1 after returning to hell.

Not coping very well, already ended up crying while mamac is asleep. I don't like this feeling being away from him, it just makes me feel insecure and scared. Maybe i am just too dependent on him that i can't help it at all. The days i spent with him are all warm, fond and carefree, not much worries even if there are any problems at all. I hate dat feeling when i was at the departure hall. I feel it even now, that mix feeling of sadness, void, loneliness and fear. I was freakin out long before i entered the airport to leave. It was a terrible experience that i would never want to have again. Too bad for me though, it's gonna be happening over and over and over again. I hate the airport, i just wanna stay with mac and never leave again.

Mac just woke up now and i cry cry again. I dunno why, i probably just can't take the horror of waking up without him beside me. Like when i did at his house, while he was just outside in the cr while i woke up. Kov and mot made fun of me about dat.

I really miss him. This 2nd trip to Phils only just did reassured me that i would never want to leave him. Even if i have to wake up every morning eating rice for breakfast everyday even though i would really prefer bread/taste or anything not filled with high carbohydrate with my kopi/teh or juice. Well, thats probably my only problem there other than some language barrier which will lessen in time i hope.

I really love him so much, tito raised an awesome son.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Is back.

Feels as if it's just yesterday i just got on plane and got my way out of the airport late at night, spotting my baby in a tux when he came late picking me up at the airport. My heart is left a void again, couldn't stop crying in the morning when preparing to leave the house. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night without him by my side. No want to sleep without hearing his loud loud snores. Don't want to be alone in this empty big room.

It's not the end of us i know, there should be nothing to be scared about i know, but then. I just can't take it being i can't cry and snuggle him as i need until the next time i see him. =< I pray it is not for long though, i don't want it to stay like this too long. I pray that a day will come when we will not need to keep being apart anymore.

It has been a long stay. From X'mas till new year, till our 14th month month-sery. I have met so many new people, experienced and learnt more new things about the culture of Pampanga Philippines. I can even watch tagalog soap operas and reality shows without understanding fully what they are saying. Isn't it awesome? Maybe one say i can too speak Pampanga tagalog with all his friends and relatives. But well, I'm still comfortable with my Brit English though, there nothing that could change about that.

I have a new fav alcoholic drink now i think. The San Miguel Beer with lemon, which have same taste with shandy (since is same ingredients) but higher alcohol content. My alcohol intake just only gets weaker and weaker. Still can't even finish a bottle of tanduay ice on my own without getting a headache. I always stop drinking more once the headache kicks in, it makes it even more comfortable to just drink in more.

Still sick of eating meat and full meat course every meal. Maybe i should take over the cooking and make something naise and healthy to eat. But i am scared of the dogs, they always seem to have a killing intent to me. What makes me so scared is there are like 4 in the kitchen, which makes it difficult for anyone to enter except for Ate. T^T scary doggies...

My bra and shirt got torn by the washing machine. I should buy the net bag the next time i visit + bring some clothes to leave it there so i don't have to be bringing much luggage each time i visit.

Today i saw a couple quarreling at the mrt station about a jealously matter because the guy said "hi." to an ex. Free entertainment comedy. I am glad me and Mac ish not like dat.

PS: I found a lil note from my baby. I love u too, u sweet sweet youuuuu!! I stuck the dried little red flower on the place where you drew one. Googled the flower, it ish name Ixora Coccinea. =D