Friday, August 31, 2012

Drifting

I have no idea since when, the time around me seemed to have stop. Nothing matters to me anymore. The empty coffee cup on my desk, the pain in my arm, the heat in my head and  the mosquitoes by by bed, all seemed to be just...so unreal. Not panicking when i am late, not worrying if i have done my assignments or not, not caring even when the glass bottles fall from my desk to the floor creating another crash again and again.

Nonetheless, I am still breathing.

The world is twirling without me, somewhat i don't feel included anymore. I often roam around the most familiar streets wondering where am i and who i am.

I see him and reach out my hands, yet i couldn't touch him. i can hear his voice, yet couldn't kiss him. I fall down to bed and cry, he pats me but i feel nothing. I sense his scent, yet not his warmth. The illusions clouded me, telling me he is near, yet unknowing far. What is this pain and fear in my heart? Is it even real? You say you are here with me, i truly believe so. But why does it hurt even more?

Back to the streets, the floor seems to be even more unreal. I can't believe i am pulled down by gravity. Am i? Am i not afloat as my mind deemed me to be?


Sunday, August 26, 2012

Another terrible weekend.

I thought i would get another day to rest this weekend but it has to be interrupted by a lot of things. I want to be alone, just with mac here with me. No one else and i don't need anyone else.

Today i got woke up by a phone call by Sunday boi,  he says he have something to pass to me so i have to wake up. Of course i got pissed off and all, why all this waking up over a small issue. then h says he will pass it to my father. OK fine. an hour later i got woke up again by my father telling me to wake up to pass him the printer. FINE then i go back to sleep after that he wakes me up again saying i am here by SMS + father waking me up again.

With the fire up in my head i changed my clothes went down with the heavy box of printer. In dat few sec, there was another crack sound from my joint, i dropped the printer on the floor abruptly and opened the gates while he pass me some biscuits, comic magazine i usually read, my lamp that he fixed. Still i was pretty mad while he still asked where's my printer. I pointed the direction towards the house and flared up "SO WHERE'S MY 700 BUCKS?!" He said because i didn't tell him to get it so he didn't. FUNNY THING i have to live with instant noodles and lack of the luxury to get new clothes or go shopping and shits just because i lack cash. OBVIOUSLY i lack moolah ok? Else i wouldn't be soooo frugal and saving up like hell. then he said he have some cash in his car and he will pass me the rest the next time he comes over. (EESH I NEVER WANT HIM TO EVER COME OVER AGAIN LORHH!!)

then after he took the printer, he asked me where's the scanner. i got even more pissed off then said, "MY ARM IS HURT AND U WANT ME TO GO UP THERE PACK THE THING FOR YOU THEN CARRY IT DOWN FOR YOU?" obviously he doesn't believe me but he doesn't care anyways. then he said, fine he'll take it the next time. Then he went to his car, got 300 bucks gave me and left.

I didn't look back after that and lock the door, i picked up the keys then twisted it to lock the lock THE PAIN THE STRUCK ME LIKE LIGHTNING ALL OVER MY ARM! THE FUCK!!

I went back up to rest after that but it still hurts a lot, so i went down got the icepack, put it over my arm and went back to slp after some ranting around about dat bitch yst. People just keep saying i am wrong by spreading word like dat and it just makes me like dat bitch herself. Dammit la, what kind of friends are these people. And Rousi tells me if i dun friend honey anymore i will drift away from the clique, to her and to Luesong.

That queen bee and her loyalties. If you're my friend you will find me when you need me, you don't fucking need her approval or permission right?

GRRRrrrrrrr.

I sleep for a pretty long time and woke up around 5pm+. My arm isn't getting better only more painful and is the only thing i felt when i woke up, the numbness and the pain. And neither is my brain, since i already ran out of ideas on how to do my assignments as well though they are due in 3 days time. It hurts and i seriously no want do anything when i can hardly do anything without hurting. i opened the door it hurts. i cook maggi, so yummy, my arm still hurts....so i switched arms.

I open door, pick up things with left hand. If feels wierd and aches somehow since it is not used to it at all.

Sigh i don't know what to do, so frustrated...

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Today i lost a friend and family...

Today i spend my day home painting because i no want to do my assignments due in 4 days time, which i have done almost nothing on. My arms hurt a lot and i discovered wat i have on my arm is this.
even though i am a laptop user.

That wasn't the worse of it yet. i heard today from admund dat honey told him i had sex with kisa. DA FUCK? and on top of that i have it with him while i am dating leon and dat this info is told to her by kisa? THE HELL?!! What rubbish is this i can't even comprehend this shit. After that She ask admund if i have sex with him cause we went out to have meals, i am so appalled that even if admund said no have, she still insist he must be lying since i am a slut like i am. What the hell is this information coming from, i already forgave her for telling people i have sex with my boyfriend, so now she spread rumours about me having sex with people i never even touched.

What the hell is this?

Now what? So i would have already have sex with Waigongs and SK too since i sleep with both of them guys at the chalet before? So what about my bestie Naufal since i am always with him? Or wat about Daniel since i went to his house to help him get his school assignment before? Or Ebi since i also went to his house to play dota before...Or maybe her favorite takuya who knows, I might spend some alone time with him??

I love and trusted her, always trying to keep her happy and such. I respected and am polite to all her friends even though some i don't really like because i am racist like that. I didn't even fucking tell anyone rumours about her and why is this happening to me? What does she take me for?

="<

I dunno wat to say now, but i dun think i can look and love her the same way anymore.
Sorry and goodbye is all i can say i guess, even if i have to break of with the gang since i might offend her. I dun wanna care anymore...That was my last straw.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Sequel

Two angels; worlds apart
desperate for each other's heart
wishing in every shooting star
to be together from the start

two angels with just a wing
in love. they helplessly keep falling
seeking oh seeking, ever so seeking
seeking for each other's cling

two angels as fate deem
their dreams too real
and reality like a dream
the curses lifted it seem

two angels, closing in
imperfect, each with only a single wing
holding tight, believing, blissfully flying
their love entwining into a ring

Monday, August 13, 2012

On my way home

Little Red Flower

I remember the night in the empty carpark where you feed me the nectar of a little red flower in the empty carpark where we rested after our heavy heavy meal. the nectar tasted so sweet and there were more little red flowers on the bushes than i have seen anywhere. The night was so beautiful and things look so brightly colored everywhere, i wished time would stop for us, in our little sweet moment. I wonder is it really like this that night in the beautiful city of san fernado or is because you are there with me.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

A Guy's Point of View.

I feel better now.
I dunno if should be writing a journal now, since mac will read it when he gets his computer back. But i need an outlet and i have basically no one i can talk to at this moment. Times like these when i am crying, i also wish i could unleash all my drama on someone. At least i got someone to vent to, or maybe get a lil comfort hug virtually or not.

I hate typing this: ="<
I hate it a lot. because normally i dun like to show ppl my weak side, but i find dat's the only stupid way ppl can know dat i am actually and seriously, already, sad. I hate it not because of dat really, more like i hate it because from other people's point of view i am just typing dat for the sake of typing dat, dat i feel nothing and am only trying to get people's attention. Maybe i shouldnt do dat anymore, no let anyone know how i feel anymore. I just make myself feel more, dat i dun matter to anyone and no one will spare concern for me. I talk to my friends, they'll just pick up watever i say, until something happens only a few mins later and tell me to "tc". What is tc anyways? Take care? how will it help? Take care of wat? Wat i need is just u, sincerely showing ur concern n love for me. Well, u probably don't care anyways and am just here because i can make beautiful pictures and is awesome to have friends with an awesome talent.

I keep stepping down each time someone has a problem and stop whatever fuck dat takes too much attention from me when i talk to someone. I always thought when someone is upset, it be good to have someone near because when i am upset dat's what i need most but i could hardly get any. I sit down, i listen to their drama, i let them hit me if they need to. I never really complained, i just want you to smile again. Simple. But when the situation turns around, i find myself crying alone and my tears won't stop. I can't sleep even if i want to, i can't do anything since my brain has already been preoccupied with the stress pushing down on me without anyway to get it out. I have no one to cry to, no alcohol to spam, no warmth around this fucking apartment i can get on hold to. I can't even fucking scream, since people are asleep or have their business around here and i don't wanna disturb anyone.

Will u listen to me? Can i talk? Can i cry?

Why am i crying?

I just wanted someone with me and i am alone.

Why do i need someone with me, i don't need to be alone. There is always friends there for you.

Where?

Where...i wonder. It's ok, maybe they will appear when they want to.

Fuck i can't even have a conversation with myself. Seriously though, i don't think anyone cares.

Why am i thinking like dat anyways?


What am i thinking, why am i thinking, i don't know. or maybe i know. i just don't wanna say because i am a pathetic loner like this and i do deserved to be scolded by mac because i so deserve it for disturbing him when he is pissed off and need his alone time and i have nothing better to do than to want to be with him and when i can't i just feel even more suppressed and i feel i cannot be with him because i am annoying like dat and i can do nothing about it. ok maybe i should just shut the fuck up and tell myself i dun need him, maybe i may randomly and magically have that thought eventually and don't feel dat upset? Wat if i can't? should i just keep lying to myself so i can at least feel dat it's my duty to just step away even if i feel the need for him? What do i need? Do i need him or just someone anyone's attention? Everyday, i sit here doing my things while thinking about mac, wat mac is doing, wat we gonna chat today, i wanna show him wat i did. Maybe he'll be proud of me. Is mac upset? Can i hug him and tell him is ok? Mac laptop is spoiled, should i get a new one for him? Is he still sick, is his back ok? Can i do anything about it? Can i call him? Is he sleeping? I shouldn't wake him up, but i miss him. Is he going to tell me to call back in the morning and let him sleep? Should i tell him i am crying? Can he know? Should he know? Maybe he shouldn't mustn't, he might think i am blaming him and saying he's making me stay up and no have mood to eat in a bad way. Am i annoying, do i ask too much of him? am i emotionally straining as he says? Am i not good enough for him? Am i a burden? He says i am not but am becoming one. how? What should i do? should i smack myself in the wall and stop crying and tell myself dat i am a stupid person and why am i so stupid and keep feeling sorry and pathetic for myself.

I am so stupid.

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

Why did i even let it escalate anyways. How did it escalate.

I have nothing to be upset about right?
RIGHT? RIGHT?!!

FUCKKKKKK U STUPID GIRL, WHY IS THERE NO END AT ALL TO UR STUPIDNESS!! I HATE YOU!!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Tarot cards reading of the day~


i explained it to mac, this is wat i said:

tarot cards tell kitty dat i now making myself better to fit you and when i improve i will value us more, then tell me dat i should trust the wise man in my environment though it might feel like a risk...which i dunno who, prolly tito johnel. LOL, then it tell me revaluate wat i have been through and gain wisdom from recent experience and it will lead to new ambitions and inspiring vision of greater potential...wat potiential i dunno. tarot card says about my recent past, me have anxiety n difficulty in sleeping because things kept making me think. near future, it says everything will come tgt successfully in the end. or become wiser/smarter. my emotion roller coaster is taking control and then the foundation of it is the attraction and love i have for u as part of my life, dat i will regret it forever if is say no to u. it says we will keep having to think and understand each other and find ways to work it out for us, like re-evaluting after each tiff off. then advice = just go for it. like use every last bit of energy (if have) n go for it. hey the tarot card says u are irressistable,  LOL. and dat u make me, me and i rely a lot on u, sometimes too much because u like drug. i like though, indulge in this temptation. wahhhh why liddat. last card. the hiderance and block is my pride. it tells me to just let go and give in. it tells me to swallow the disgrace of losing a fight and learn something from it

And mac says it aint lying...=.="

Is there something to look forward to?


These days phil is infested with the flood and problems after the flood. Mac is sick and busy as well, 1st things to do in case the flood comes back, his pain in back and his computers spoiled. The usual one thanks to hardware probs and the eeky one drowned in the flood. I don't wanna make him more upset or wat not, making him like eternally unable to heal since he has been having the pains with or without fever for the 3rd week already. Dat stupid sickness have been testing my patience, taking his time away from me. All he do is sleep these days, else be the phone dying out or just i dunno...

I been calling him a lot, already drained away about 17 bucks just because i need him. ="< and sometimes i can't even call because his phone is dead.

My computer means nothing to me now, since i dunno when he gonna contact me, or when he wanna contact me. Mac tells me not to think about him if it makes me upset, eat if i want to sleep if i want to and not always wait for him. Each time he appears at a random time around 2~3am...If i were to sleep when i am tired, i would have miss him for another day and if i keep doing dat, i doubt dat i can even talk to him for the past week.

These days i look at the computer, mac would contact me normally around 8 or 10...or 12....3am?...or...i don't know, it just keeps getting later and later. Each time i stare at the clock while hours and hours pass by like without a care in the world, it feels like a have nothing to look forward to anymore. He won't come on...even though i miss him so much so much and it doesn't help.

I miss the days i would rush home and quickly finish all my work, so i can talk to him when he comes on without having to be distracted and stress out by things i do. then we would talk about things and make funny actions in front of webcam and sleep together with the webcam on without a care. Now the webcam is on, we're talking but he doesn't look at me much at all, when he goes to bed he leaves the computer outside or off it, thus i am back to sleeping alone again. I never liked sleeping alone, i keep waking up every 2~3hrs and it's very difficult to fall back to sleep each time i am awake...i leave the computer on in case he comes on and look for me, i leave the irritating alert sounds so it rings me to wake up. (not all the time it works waking me up, but mostly it does) Well, anyways...it doesn't ring other than when the group chat with shukangs n gang ppl suddenly type something to spam. walang msg mo. ="<

Even so everyday i just keep waiting until he comes on at 2, 3am. Meanwhile i draw and talk to Johnel, who still very passionate in teaching me how to speak tagalog. Johnel is teaching me very well, i understand a lot, though his english is not good, as he says. He says i improving alot since i have very good memory. I wish one day i can say to mac excitedly, "Usap nalang tayo tagalog." If that would ever happen.

Sigh...I miss u mac. I miss u so much. Days with me sleeping by com with u there snoring, or days when i am sleeping while u give me kisses, i miss and love so much...please don't take it away.

Monday, August 6, 2012

I am lucky to have the sweetest baby ever.







Though i am still unable to sleep last night with the unsettling feelings about you, but at least i calmed down a lil with u here with me. Knowing dat as long as u still smile, u must be ok and i have nothing else to worry about than to pray for your full recovery.

Please get well soon mac, i will be here for you.

No worries.

I am sorry mac

I know i makulit and u sick, i should be good girl and let you heal well. I dunno wat to feel who to talk to, i talk with johnel. He makes me feel less lonely but i am still worried about your back. I couldn't help but cry and cry...i dunno why i can't stop. You told me to stop thinking about u if it makes me feel bad, but how can i don't? You are so much so much to me, i feel so bad not being able to do anything to help, yet my worries have become a burden to you it seems.

All this pressure in me pressing close to my heart, it hurts me so much mentally and literally. I know no matter how many times i say i no want you sick it won't help make you better, but i can't help it it all. I don't want to say or sound stupid to you, or maybe i am just stupid. All these worrying is driving me crazy, i dun think i am thinking straight anymore. I picked up an argument randomly on fb just because someone made a misunderstanding, i delete the comments and blocked the person. I don't wanna deal with this shit now and i am very exhausted. i know i am in wrong, but i cannot do anything about it since no one wanna accept my apology.

I feel very bad about myself now. maybe i am just no good.

Why am i so destructive like dat? I dun feel like myself at all. Neptune say is natural dat i am makulit. "ts natural, mahal mo siya" he says..but then but then...i could have composed myself better if i try harder right?

I topped up my phone asap just now and tried calling you. your phone ran out of batt. So i cannot disturb you. I dunno, i have much mixed emotions, i worry about your back pain and i miss you and i really really detest myself for all the nonsense and problems i am causing now. I thought lying down and hugging your shirt to sleep might help, ended up me just started crying whenever that scent of your perfume reaches the tip of my nose.

"Are u really going to be ok? Please take care of yourself problem, drink water to keep self hydrated" and "Remember to eat and take med on time, don't sleep in aircon!" i wanna say dat to you too. But dunno how to put it so dat you wun find me anymore annoying than i am now being like this panicking.


I don't know wat else to do.

I am so dependent on you dat now you are down, i feel like i cannot do anything without you. Everything don't matter to me anymore if i cannot see your smile. Everything seems dead, no matter how many company i have doesn't change the fact that i need you more than anything else. I am sorry i cannot pick myself up alone.

I don't need a comedy or a joke to make me smile, all i want is you to be by my side. For now i hope dat u can forgive my nonsense and get well soon.

I love you so much so much and that will never change.

="<

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Ma mac is still sick and sleeping

Wake up no mac, he been sleeping for long long time now, kov says he is still breathing, but i hope he is ok...I miss him so much. Did he wake up to eat his meals, drink water and have medicine? Did he sleep well? Is he feeling better or worse? He still having exams, but then dunno if he can go to school in his condition with his back aching all the time.

I want him so much but cannot bear to wake him up, i no want him be more sick. At most i can do now is ask kov wat is he doing and things like dat. I think kov getting bored of it already and hardly wanna reply me most of the time. >.<

Would it be a bother to ask someone to wake him up? i no know, i no want bother anyone, neither that i wanna bother mac while he resting n recovering from this flu.

Sigh... ="<

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I cried.


Sometimes i miss you so much, but i can't tell you.

Today my baby didn't come online since he is still sick. He's been sick for a week and it gets me anxious dat i can do nothing about it. I remember when i was in phil, i forced him to go to bed when he was running a fever. I cannot do it now back here, telling him to, since he won't obey. He never really does. Dat's where the "forcing" comes into place.

It's like 2am+ now and i am praying he won't wake up suddenly to talk to me. i want him to rest. Sure i miss him a lot and i want to talk to him, but that's another matter entirely. I do want him back to his healthy self ya know?

He went to school today though i told him not to. There's a test apparently...so i guess i have nothing to say about dat. Sigh....This fool has been having flu and occurring fever since the last week. I already said these days weather not good, rain and sunny easier to be sick, need drink lots of water to keep hydrated and body cool and swipi well. WHY YOU NO REST WELL!! U SICK YOU NOT SUPPOSE TO PLAY GAME AHHHHH, gaming use brains, using brains when tired will strain brains and get fever higher you know? Fever also kill brain cells, it will fry the brain and make one retarded if fever too long. WILL DIE FROM FEVER YOU KNOW?!! 41.5~42 degree is danger zone already ahhhh, i worry you know??*rawr*

Sigh.

I wish i am with him right now...

="<

I miss you, baby...


...so much.