Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Kitty gets heart pain and PHAIL health

Well, i meant it literally now. All these stressing and failing of health is making me have some slight heart pain. ARGH...truthfully, i am scared that it's not just happening in my head...sigh...Then WTF-ing ppl like to MAKE me upset. LIKE THAT ZHU in her rebellious age, makes me feel like slapping her in the brains/boobs. ARGH...bimbos + bitch...so hard to like settle with it...

Other than that, it's just random Resident Evil-ing....(Playing RE3) and getting stuck at slug + not being able to kill nemesis. I fail big time...

AH wells. Bear bear is treating me well these days and opening up much. Showing his sweet side to me bit by bit, like a lemonade = Sour + sweetness. HAhaha =3 Though he still is strict about me not sleeping early and such, but he's not screaming at me as he used to. He's toning down and getting softer and softer day by day. It makes me so relieved and comfy to be with him and such.

Am loving him more and more, bit by bit. <3

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Cutting away

Queer Sweet Romance

After i left leon all depressed and stuff, i dragged my mentally tired and guilt ridden body to Bear bear house. I was expecting some scolding, but instead, he just wrapped me up with his embrace and that irritating smirk he always like to have on his face but that totally reassured me somehow. It was so warm, though i was being a nuisance by not sleeping at night time, but he still kept me all comfy and warm, with me still moving and crawling all over the place at night. (I'm still NOCTURNAL BABY!)

Well, thanks to me, he didn't get to sleep. (And got kinda ill... >_<) i got to sleep a bit though somehow...

He is willing to cut down smoking with me though, willing to quit too, but i don't expect that much of him. But at least he's kind enough to move away to smoke. I just hope he be more decent and I'll be glad and happy. I got him to finish his noms and not waste money by walking to places though~ And he accompanied me all the way home too and still worried for me after that he left.

We talked about stuff that worries me, he didn't seem to have that big reaction as he has on sms/FB/phone. I'm glad. All he does is want me to be safe and happy with him. He's trying, though not helping sometimes, since he sucks in his speech...(Stop swearing and it'll help a whole lot!)

He's stern and strict somewhat, gentle somewhat, but still i felt his warmth.

How so...that mean and such an ass.... too be such a warm and sweet self that i love so much....

*self confusion*

I love the affectionate him.



Sorry Leon...Sorry Starfish....Sorry friends...

I can't help myself...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

CONFUSED AND PISSED OFF!!

Am i going to continue to lie to myself to create that fucking illusion i have of my life or AM I FUCKING GOING TO TURN BACK TO REALITY AND GET MY LIFE BACK?!

I don't even know if i am lying to myself any longer.

I'm confused and i clearly know i SUCK at decision making in any kind of way, so ya i didn't do anything.

Sure, i can just waltz myself in the clear the mess up. But as it seems, it's not as easy as it is for me! My emotions got tied up and well i just 'went with the flow', so now, I PANIC when i finally realized that i am lost in somewhere i am totally uncomfortable with and don't recognize my way back at all.

Now i just got myself thrown into this mess and now i hate myself to find that i have my emotional strings attached everywhere that i cannot break. I'm going crazy...what can i do now...what should i do now? I'm so confused and i have NO ONE to help me at all. I feel like crying, it's futile but what else can i do to at least ease my pain? I caused so much pain to so many that i love...I feel more like a sin than a lover...

Now i felt in debt instead of love.

In my lifetime, till now at least, i fell in love with 3 guys.

3...that i still in contact with, 3 of them were/is my boyfriend, 3 i cried for, 3 of them i now feel totally in debt to and guilty to, 3 that i cannot bear myself to hurt anyone of them, 2 of them i gave myself to, 2 i used as a band-aid for another's pain, 2 of them that i find so difficult to let go even till now, 1 i attempted suicides for and 1 that i thought and think that i could love him forever for...

I feel hopeless.

I need a feeling of extreme pain and a haircut now. Anything else, i can't say and i don't deserve anything of that sort now...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

"LOOK WHAT U DID AGAIN YOU STUPID CAT!"

I wonder what is wrong with me. Why do my Nostalgic and Emotional Self always gets the better of me hurting the one whom i love?

Why?

Now he's upset again and is ignoring me (or maybe he's asleep already), but it just gets me really scared. Since he decided to post some things on his FB that's really threatening...

i really need something like that old song "给我一杯忘情水"...OK i fail in joking i admit...but yeah...

*sigh*

It's gonna be another long sleepless night...

A Nostalgic dream...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Kitty tots...

Kitty and Bear Bear's one LAST chance...

I know this totally sounds silly of me, but I'm going to make a promise to myself here. Something i will definitely keep, and if i don't i BEG ALL OF YOU to scold me and stop me or help me fulfill this promise by grabbing my phone.

Ok, I got back now with Bear bear, but it's going to be my last chance now since I'm the one who wanted to get back with him so i guess are the below are my retributions if this relationship is to fail a second and last time.

So ya, here we go...

If this relationship is to fail i will force myself to leave and forget about him no matter what. I will have no one but myself to blame because i accepted a bad-tempered, insensitive and penniless guy on my own accord. I will block his FB for real, delete his telephone number off my phone and together with every of his messages that i have stored in my phone so far. I will finally wash his shirt together with the feelings i have for him, leaving myself with pain so that i can torture myself it it.


I still think me and Bear bear would not last forever though, but as for how long we will last, i dunno, but i will cherish every moment i have of him till that break up happens that i MUST and WILL let go of him.

I hope everyone's clear and ok with the decision here.

*stabs self for torturing my emotions and my own love life*

PS: If that day ever happens, i will then once again call u ah dar when i am ready. (Though i still have the urge and habit to, DAMNED...i hate myself...)I'm sorry if u still feel that i treat you as a life buoy, but i really did and still cherish you. After this, i guess, i won't do it again, i give you my promise. Else you can stab me...

Friday, October 1, 2010

Kitty miss her Bear Bear!!


Well, we quarreled again because i was crying over our past relationship. So he dumped me as he felt that i wasn't true to me.

It totally hurts. Though he's an idiot, that TOTALLY HURT ME!! (and now i can't sleep)

That day when he dumped me. Other than saying (like all the other guys i ever dated) that i was toying with the relationship and his feelings, he said that he didn't want to kiss me because my heart was with another and that made him not want to touch me. ARGHhhhh, HOW MUCH MORE OF A TOUCHE can he be?!!

He's mean, selfish, insensitive and has a HELL OF A JEALOUSY STREAK!! But he's very considerate, gentle and always looking out for me, though he's an idiot in dealing some things with me, because he doesn't really want to open up with me and it totally scares me. I actually miss this idiot though he scolded me mean-ly much. It's not as painful as then and yet...but i still miss him.

Oh shit.

Am i in love with him already? (But i do clearly know i have feelings developed for him already...but but Ah Foong Kor refused to let me contact him...damn it!)

BUT BUT...i am confused.

Well, the day i decided to put down my past, it came back to me. With the familiar warmness and it now freaks me out even more. I PANICKED! But but but...i did yearned to be back in that familiar embrace...but but...

- his problems about our relationship with his family is still not solved. ( AND I TOTALLY HATE THIS PROBLEM!! IT REALLY HINDERS ME AND MAKES ME VERY ANNOYED!! And he doesn't really do much about it~)

- Am scared he would still think i toy with ppl feelings, use ppl's feelings blah blah blah...

- I felt i should be putting my heart with that Bear bear since i am (was) with him.

So ya...even if i lets go of Bear bear, i dun see the point in going back to his embrace at this time to face the same thing that makes me go ARGHHhhh...I really dun see how my parents can accept him, while his family can't do the same. So ya. I am honestly saying that i am a family person as well and i do have concerns about it. It really hurts me to know i am like not accepted due to my looks/BG and not my personality. It just makes me very...annoyed and not appreciated.

(Ok i know i am childish now and all, but ya...)

So...so....what shoulds i do nowwwwwshhhh!!

*smacks wall*