Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Pillar of my Life...

"Don't be scared dar, No matter happens i will always love you, i will stay by your side till the end no matter how emo you get cuz you are my wife-to-be, loves you till the end of time, good night, sleep tight and sweet dreams"

These sweet tender words...i that couldn't get it out of my life. It brought me so much love, that it hurts so much now. It was the pillar of my life...

I happened to see it again last night and ended up crying again. I was so scared as reality struck me again and again. Am i really really gonna let go? Can i really really forget this love that held me up again and again during the lowest times of my life?

I don't know...

I called my brother and cried to him.

Though his words were firm, his tone was always gentle as usual. He don't even sound shocked when he caught this kitty crying for the first time. He said i might be treating my current bf as a substitute for the hole it my heart that was filled with the love i had for leon...that really hurts and it really scares me that that might be true. He told me to delete anything and everything i have of leon's but there's no way i think i can do that. That left me crying more as he used his little tactics to try calm me down.

It slowly got my crying to stop after an hour plus later. Calmed down enough to get tired and get back to bed again after 5am. That, i thank him so much.

I got up this today in the afternoon, still slightly gloomy. My bf messaged me asking what happened, i replied him with the cold hard truth that i was upset about my past relationship. He got upset and angry of course. Now kinda he shut me off a bit.

I guess I'll get back to him when i calmed down or maybe if he be nice to come comfort me, which i don't really see that coming. (He's not very sensitive to emotional stuff and tends to be an ass about it, argh)

So now i guess i would still spend my day emo-ing and stuffs.

*sigh*

Monday, September 27, 2010

Kitty's New Date...

Well, i went out with my new bf today. As some of you may have known, but yeah, we went out today as our first date outta kem. Though our 'crush' feelings pretty much died down a bit for me, i still agreed to be his date. I don't know what's wrong with me but, well...i'm willing to give us a chance to go for it.

Well we met up a bit late today, since he was late n i found him smoking outside CS when we met. (I need to get him to quit that in time. But at least he is nice enough not to smoke in front of me.) We got to walk around and and i met my cousin while strolling (HOLY SHITS!!). I hope she does not spill the beans to my parents though. I still wants this to be low key from my parents until our relationship stabilized, or at least till i learn to 'love' him apart from just liking him.

After that we took a taxi back to his hometown and strolled around the place. He keeps making jokes that i look like a kid and that i am short. AH WELLS~ At least i look younger than he ishhhh. He kept teasing me the whole time, it got him smiling, so i didn't really take it too seriously. Though he din have any funny business around me, at least he kept our hands locked. First to me keep close to him and secondly to keep me out of trouble. Since i kept almost get myself knocked down by cars, as usual. We went to his friend's restaurant actually and they eventually started teasing him a bit and asked him to serve himself after they heard we're on a date. Poor thing.

After we left the restaurant after he really wasted on the noms (Well, it got on my nerves....BUT IT'S OUR FIRST DAY. I SHALL BE LINEAR...for once), we headed to the theater to watch a movie. We bought tickets to Resident Evil 4. (OH YUSH <3 <-- nerd ) Which we got a bit too early, so we went on strolling trips again, mainly hand in hand. I did give him a few cuddles in secluded places (din dared to do much other then cuddles since he doesn't seem to really want to be intimate much) where we stopped, but he had not much respond to my provocative-ness.

"Are u still afraid of me?" i asked him and he nodded. Well, though i am slightly upset but i could understand his feelings. At least, starting now, i could learn to go step by step with him. Well, at least he seemed to be agreeing when i said that he shouldn't be afraid of me since i am literally shorter and weaker than he is.

We got to watch a movie. It must be a weird experience i am sure, watching movie with a giggling fan girl of RE and sexy zombies. THE SCENE SHOTS ARE PERFECT, though i must say it's pretty predictable much since i have played thru' the game version. HUR. But yeah, sexy sexy SEXY! Though it is so damned obvious that the main characters are so gonna win the umbrella cooperation though Alice's back to being human thanks to Mr. Evil mastermind there.

Well, then during the movie, nothing really much happened. No kisses, just noming watching movie and him trying to keep me warm. He's been nagging that i may have a fever due to lack of sleep and i actually felt warm outside the theater, and threatened about not bringing me out next time if i push myself. ARGH. >.< Still, i managed to give him little pecks here and there to show my affection, he accepted by stroking my hair and my arms, and letting me nuzzle him. (He did not let me kiss his cheek or his lips. Kept on turning away on purpose or shyness or both...)

After the movie, he wasted the unfinished noms again. (I am so gonna cure him of this. WASTING FOOD IS BAD HABIT!!) We strolled a bit more then hailed a taxi so he could get me back to CS so i could go home. The whole time though he was quiet, i think he noticed that I'm starting to have a headache too and just started his threatening about not bringing me out next time because he has to worry about too many things. Well, i just smiled, i was actually so glad he cared.

I can see he likes me a lot. He took the keychain with his name and another girl's off his handphone already and guess what, his wallpaper is a very nice picture of us together! He now actually let me look at his handphone while he's using it and actually told me who called and such when his phone started ringing. Though there's no goodbye kiss as well after i left the taxi (so ya, no kissed yet still even after first date), he kept SMS-ing me and all wanting me to be careful and call my father if i really feel too sick and such. It's very sweet.

I should really learn to love him soon, with him being so sweet and considerate and all. He deserves it but...you know...but i'll overcome it soon i hope and accept him into my life.

Though i still cannot say it now (because i can't lie), but i really hope there to be one day where both of us can show affection and say 'i love you' to each other. =3

Saturday, September 25, 2010

'Forever'

I came across Leon's photos while cleaning up some stuff today. Those were some things i really treasured of him even till now. His radiant smile then and that warm affectionate embrace. Even though i really hope for...but it would be unfair for wanting him to wait for me now.

I really hurt him too much. I myself being hurt this little much doesn't even balance out the fact that he's hurt more than anyone else.

Though our differences, we'd always thought we could last forever.

How long did 'forever' last again...? 2 years?
The feelings, our emotions. I have it even till now. But...have he given up yet?

Maybe I'm just being a bastard to him by having myself in another guy's (whom i don't even trust 100% yet) embrace, that's probably what he feels as a punishment to him. But by him being upset, would be my worse guilt ever.

Will he read this?

I doubt so...

But...I will always have that feelings for him, always. Either if I'm in his arms or not, but yes, always.

But now...as i have said, i need to be away from him because of some unspeakable problems as well. But...I just hope, in the mean time, he would still smile at me with that same affection self i knew of him.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Happy Mid Autumn Festival!!



Happy Mid Autumn Festival Everyone!!

My first Hetalia Fanart and ish CHINA!!
XDD
Hope everyone likes it.

Greetings with help from Wang Yao (China, Hetalia)
Hope everyone loves it and have fun! Try not to get fat from the mooncakes and tibits~ ♥

祝大家中秋节快乐!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Alone again...

How do i say this...?

I still love him, he knows that.
He still loves me...i know that too...

He hated it like this,
That I'm no longer in his arms.
I'm crying, i'm hurt. I needed some breathing space.

He gave me, I got it.

I know his concerns, his worries, his love.
I do hope he understands too.
I still love him.
But what i had now...it felt hurt to love, really.

I need some time, to sort myself out and to heal.
To forgive and forget,
To swallow the guilt that i got him suffering for 2 years much because of me,
To rest and think selfishly about myself...

A long time, maybe.
At least let me finish dealing the shitstorm i'd caused everywhere, on my own.
I needs that time, that growth in my life.
I can no longer 'see'.
I lost the sight which i loved and hated the most. (in many terms)
I cannot 'feel' anymore too.
I'm worried what might become of me.
But...I'll work it out somehow...

At least, I can breathe now.

But...

I miss him.

I don't regret my decision, but still, it hurts. It seriously hurts, still.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Oks PPL KITTY ISH BACK SAVE AND SOUND AND FOR GOOD!!

Last view of the Sea View on the 1st of September 2010 from Kem Desaru had successfully got my beating heart of excitement to a stop.

"I'm finally leaving," I thought, but a sharp pain pierced thru' my heart. Surprisingly, i too was upset about leaving this hell. Days i had been here, everyday i prayed to be back home soon but when it's finally here, only a sense of lost has overcome my mind. "Why?" I couldn't think out a reason why i need to miss this place. Painful memories and tough trainings, ridiculous rules and the stupidity of some people that i had to tolerate through these 2 months of 'time wasting'.

i stood alone and watched the surrounding around me. There were so much tears dripping everywhere around me yet i couldn't even speak, not even at least show a face of any emotion that indicates 'sadness'.

i spent like 5 minutes again staring out at the sea, I could remember so clearly. The sky with the thick dark storm clouds stained with the evening sun of reddish rays. The wind was so cold, putting me on hold with this calm yet lonely emotion.

Then i walked a few steps back and turned around, i watched him (D8-Ø8) finally sitting alone. I approached him and sat there, squabbled a bit then just leaning against his warm back for a while before his friends dragged him off again in another few minutes time for an 'A-RU-BAH'. Just that feel minutes of a moment, i knew i would definitely miss this kinda warmth, that first and final peck i left on his cheek earlier in the day, and that annoying squabbling we always had over the most ridiculous issues. We will meet outside again, but i guess that feeling would never be the same.

I ate my final dinner there though the taste really isn't that appetizing.

It was my final meal there from the kitchen.

Soon that last night came and everyone lost control. Some partied, some cried, some started singing and there was a lot of NOISE. I gave my friends hugs, took much pictures which they will upload on their FBs, shared bites from the same food and had our last laugh we would have in this camp as a part of Company Charlie.

I WILL NEVER FORGET.

"TEPOK, TEPOK COMPANY CHARLIE!!"

I then walked back to the MESS back in the canteen after the last Charlie reunion. Sat down beside him (D8-Ø8) again. 2 of us quietly staring out at the noisy and messy crowd. We didn't squabble or have much words. Maybe the 'lost' i am feeling, he had it too.

The Night was LONG and noisy. I didn't get to sleep at all after leaving my final picnic in B11 with Tsu Rong and Pei Pei ended.

Phones kept ringing throughout the night, but when it finally stopped at around 4am, the 40mins fire trigger is pulled to wake the Muslims up for breakfast.

I gave up sleeping and sat up. I took out my diary and started flipping through it. Every words, every drawing i did told me that i had been thru' a lot, while my friends' final words written on it reminding me that I've made my mark and it's time to go.

i din take much time clearing up the last few items and dragging my bags out.

I din have appetite for breakfast at all, because of my drowsiness for i plainly had a final cup of tea. I met Jerry (A1-01) in the morning, we talked a bit and had our first and final hug of farewell. I held him tight for a while and let loose of one of my best friend here. "Thank you," was what resounded in my mind, though i didn't have the guts to say anything at that moment except for "bye".

Then we all moved to the parade square to have our final attendance, a few laughs and last cries, waved then it's up and gone.

I sat in the bus with Anis, who was as quiet as i am at that moment. Normally, we're a playful and noisy pair. But at out last moments, nothing came out from our mouth in that 1 and a half hour but simply just smiles and her just leaning on my shoulder for the last time. The guy's aren't allowed to sit with the girls, so he (D8-Ø8) got shoo-ed away to the back where he sat with his friend. We remained on sms contact the whole time, keeping me company while i got carsick and frozen by the air-conditioning in the bus. His gentle words letting me know, he's still there.

Soon we reached Danga Bay and it's time to leave.

I got picked off pretty soon, so my last good byes all went off with the ring-tones playing on their phones.

I reached home sooner than i expected and i dropped on my bed.

"Where am i?"

Home.

"I'm back home...?"

Wait.

"Where are they?"

This is it?

I took a bathe to calm down, threw up gastric juice later on thanks to the car sickness, then changed to a new piece of pajamas. I watched 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' on my laptop while eating curry puffs and drinking a hot cup of milk tea. With a last sms sent to him (D8-Ø8) i fell asleep finally, while still hugging onto his shirt close to my aching heart...

"Thank you all so much...good bye, keep in touch and may we meet again!"

It's true, though i hated the place and hated some people. I still felt glad i got picked to go thru' this shit and had spent time living thru' this with everyone of you.

"I love you."

...

Once again!!

"TEPOK TEPOK KEM DESARU!!"