Friday, May 28, 2010

Getting upset again...

Is it that my existance mainly appears for men to have an erection of? Can anyone tell, how to make friends with men without them thinking under the belt or thinking that I'm a transvestite??

This is so frustrating.


Had my friendliness or gentleness been wrong the whole time? I don't even how, even by not touching or using any of those sexy words can get 'friends' telling me they want to make love with me!!

Tell me, guys.

What's going on in your brain now because i need to know it before i go bonkers and go ahead to hating normal guys too.

emo-ing and i broken soul i shall be. For now.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Emotion in shreds...








Sunday, May 2, 2010

Kitty says her 'if's...

If i live outside alone...

  • I won't worry too much about finding jobs, because now, even if i want to go out to find jobs, i will be suspected of going to jobs and play with friends, even though i have never entered a single dance club before.

  • I won't have to worry about if i have to leave my room or not. Because now i'm scared to even leave my room because i want to have less conflict as possible between my family because obviously they hate me and always finds something to argue the hell about even if it has nothing to do with me or what i'm doing. They often lie to themselves about me because i keep myself locked in here. I'm judged as rebellious, hot tempered and useless.

Dear readers, do u think so too? Knowing me and u think i am someone like that? I don't really see, why they're out to get my throat either.

I can invite anyone to my house, not having to worry about them getting onto their throats eithers.

  • I don't have to cry. Because I will no longer have the need to. Even if i live alone, at least i know, I'm loved and such. The everyday now, that i spent, it's so painful that it's so hard to describe unless you're in my shoes.

Maybe u think that I am lying and such, that I'm disrecpectful and just being a loner.

Even if it's just verbal abuse, being told that you're useless and such. it really hurt. I've worked so hard my whole life, trying to be perfect. My grades were never low and i tried as much as possible to please these people. And eventually, they ended up misunderstanding and even hating you. Saying so much, i hear of lies from their mouth, i din reply i din answer. I simply went back to my room where i feel the safest. The only thing i can do was to cry in silence. I couldn't shout in case they hear. They would think that i purposely do it to annoy them.

I hurt myself. They don't know that.

I know I'm crying myself blind already, I don't think they know or care. To tell you the truth, my right eye is having some problem now, it seems like very bright and glaring while looking at stuff. like a white light clouding it. Well, it's not that bad now, because i still can see colors and 'blur' words with it. But i guess it will eventually go soon. *sigh* Well, i still have my left eye. Ha!

Even though i try to avoid them as much as possible. Fear of their remark or attempt to hurt me, i still yearn for their love or concern as their child. It's hard u know, since more than half my life i have trusted and rely on them. It's so hard to want me to let go you know?

But i guess, it's prolly true about the doubt about them as my bio-parents. I have different a bloodtype as them . But still...I grew up knowing and loving them. But it like seems so fake now...whatever they used to give me. So fake that it hurts

Well,guess now my only family is leon huh...the only one i can love and trust and rely on. though i admit, he's not really that reliable. Hmm....

  • Well, if only we could have our own home sooner.

I hope...(though it's quite impossible).
I don't even mind if i have to suffer to support him...

For now, i really want to leave here now.