Monday, December 20, 2010

My last message to him...

我爱你,对不起。让你最近一直痛苦,辛苦你了。
不懂是不是结束了,但我想我们不会在联络了,是吗?

那么,这次就真的跟老公你告别吧。

谢谢你给我的一切。

在你等下回信来确定分手时,我会把你电话号码跟所有在信箱讯息删除掉。我不会再联络你,今晚也不想接你电话。要联络就讯息来,要不要回信我看看再说。

i guess...i think...it finally ended.

Sense of Pain with a sense of relieve, my love and my nightmare ended in a flash...
Can i deal with it...again?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Obsessed over Gorillaz

It serves as a good distraction, currently...

A Jamie Hewlett and Gorillaz inspired self portrait...
Murdoc = ♥

Me at Point Nemo, Plastic Beach

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

"Just Want You To Know"

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know


Thanks for the song, it made me nod and cry.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Kitty gets cut on face...

Have a random cut that appeared below my lips and it hurts! (Since it is bleeding) Suspected that i am cut by a paranormal creature.

ToT


破象了啦!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Finally a "I love you"...

I waited so long and prayed so hard for it. And i waited till this day that i finally get it. (Through IM-ing, sadly to say) But i guess i should be satisfied.

But these days thanks to the jealously of a 15 years old "美女", my patience had been drove to the limit!

I'm EXTREMELY frustrated and very tired.

*sigh*

Think I'm dying soon...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Kitty gets heart pain and PHAIL health

Well, i meant it literally now. All these stressing and failing of health is making me have some slight heart pain. ARGH...truthfully, i am scared that it's not just happening in my head...sigh...Then WTF-ing ppl like to MAKE me upset. LIKE THAT ZHU in her rebellious age, makes me feel like slapping her in the brains/boobs. ARGH...bimbos + bitch...so hard to like settle with it...

Other than that, it's just random Resident Evil-ing....(Playing RE3) and getting stuck at slug + not being able to kill nemesis. I fail big time...

AH wells. Bear bear is treating me well these days and opening up much. Showing his sweet side to me bit by bit, like a lemonade = Sour + sweetness. HAhaha =3 Though he still is strict about me not sleeping early and such, but he's not screaming at me as he used to. He's toning down and getting softer and softer day by day. It makes me so relieved and comfy to be with him and such.

Am loving him more and more, bit by bit. <3

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Cutting away

Queer Sweet Romance

After i left leon all depressed and stuff, i dragged my mentally tired and guilt ridden body to Bear bear house. I was expecting some scolding, but instead, he just wrapped me up with his embrace and that irritating smirk he always like to have on his face but that totally reassured me somehow. It was so warm, though i was being a nuisance by not sleeping at night time, but he still kept me all comfy and warm, with me still moving and crawling all over the place at night. (I'm still NOCTURNAL BABY!)

Well, thanks to me, he didn't get to sleep. (And got kinda ill... >_<) i got to sleep a bit though somehow...

He is willing to cut down smoking with me though, willing to quit too, but i don't expect that much of him. But at least he's kind enough to move away to smoke. I just hope he be more decent and I'll be glad and happy. I got him to finish his noms and not waste money by walking to places though~ And he accompanied me all the way home too and still worried for me after that he left.

We talked about stuff that worries me, he didn't seem to have that big reaction as he has on sms/FB/phone. I'm glad. All he does is want me to be safe and happy with him. He's trying, though not helping sometimes, since he sucks in his speech...(Stop swearing and it'll help a whole lot!)

He's stern and strict somewhat, gentle somewhat, but still i felt his warmth.

How so...that mean and such an ass.... too be such a warm and sweet self that i love so much....

*self confusion*

I love the affectionate him.



Sorry Leon...Sorry Starfish....Sorry friends...

I can't help myself...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

CONFUSED AND PISSED OFF!!

Am i going to continue to lie to myself to create that fucking illusion i have of my life or AM I FUCKING GOING TO TURN BACK TO REALITY AND GET MY LIFE BACK?!

I don't even know if i am lying to myself any longer.

I'm confused and i clearly know i SUCK at decision making in any kind of way, so ya i didn't do anything.

Sure, i can just waltz myself in the clear the mess up. But as it seems, it's not as easy as it is for me! My emotions got tied up and well i just 'went with the flow', so now, I PANIC when i finally realized that i am lost in somewhere i am totally uncomfortable with and don't recognize my way back at all.

Now i just got myself thrown into this mess and now i hate myself to find that i have my emotional strings attached everywhere that i cannot break. I'm going crazy...what can i do now...what should i do now? I'm so confused and i have NO ONE to help me at all. I feel like crying, it's futile but what else can i do to at least ease my pain? I caused so much pain to so many that i love...I feel more like a sin than a lover...

Now i felt in debt instead of love.

In my lifetime, till now at least, i fell in love with 3 guys.

3...that i still in contact with, 3 of them were/is my boyfriend, 3 i cried for, 3 of them i now feel totally in debt to and guilty to, 3 that i cannot bear myself to hurt anyone of them, 2 of them i gave myself to, 2 i used as a band-aid for another's pain, 2 of them that i find so difficult to let go even till now, 1 i attempted suicides for and 1 that i thought and think that i could love him forever for...

I feel hopeless.

I need a feeling of extreme pain and a haircut now. Anything else, i can't say and i don't deserve anything of that sort now...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

"LOOK WHAT U DID AGAIN YOU STUPID CAT!"

I wonder what is wrong with me. Why do my Nostalgic and Emotional Self always gets the better of me hurting the one whom i love?

Why?

Now he's upset again and is ignoring me (or maybe he's asleep already), but it just gets me really scared. Since he decided to post some things on his FB that's really threatening...

i really need something like that old song "给我一杯忘情水"...OK i fail in joking i admit...but yeah...

*sigh*

It's gonna be another long sleepless night...

A Nostalgic dream...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Kitty tots...

Kitty and Bear Bear's one LAST chance...

I know this totally sounds silly of me, but I'm going to make a promise to myself here. Something i will definitely keep, and if i don't i BEG ALL OF YOU to scold me and stop me or help me fulfill this promise by grabbing my phone.

Ok, I got back now with Bear bear, but it's going to be my last chance now since I'm the one who wanted to get back with him so i guess are the below are my retributions if this relationship is to fail a second and last time.

So ya, here we go...

If this relationship is to fail i will force myself to leave and forget about him no matter what. I will have no one but myself to blame because i accepted a bad-tempered, insensitive and penniless guy on my own accord. I will block his FB for real, delete his telephone number off my phone and together with every of his messages that i have stored in my phone so far. I will finally wash his shirt together with the feelings i have for him, leaving myself with pain so that i can torture myself it it.


I still think me and Bear bear would not last forever though, but as for how long we will last, i dunno, but i will cherish every moment i have of him till that break up happens that i MUST and WILL let go of him.

I hope everyone's clear and ok with the decision here.

*stabs self for torturing my emotions and my own love life*

PS: If that day ever happens, i will then once again call u ah dar when i am ready. (Though i still have the urge and habit to, DAMNED...i hate myself...)I'm sorry if u still feel that i treat you as a life buoy, but i really did and still cherish you. After this, i guess, i won't do it again, i give you my promise. Else you can stab me...

Friday, October 1, 2010

Kitty miss her Bear Bear!!


Well, we quarreled again because i was crying over our past relationship. So he dumped me as he felt that i wasn't true to me.

It totally hurts. Though he's an idiot, that TOTALLY HURT ME!! (and now i can't sleep)

That day when he dumped me. Other than saying (like all the other guys i ever dated) that i was toying with the relationship and his feelings, he said that he didn't want to kiss me because my heart was with another and that made him not want to touch me. ARGHhhhh, HOW MUCH MORE OF A TOUCHE can he be?!!

He's mean, selfish, insensitive and has a HELL OF A JEALOUSY STREAK!! But he's very considerate, gentle and always looking out for me, though he's an idiot in dealing some things with me, because he doesn't really want to open up with me and it totally scares me. I actually miss this idiot though he scolded me mean-ly much. It's not as painful as then and yet...but i still miss him.

Oh shit.

Am i in love with him already? (But i do clearly know i have feelings developed for him already...but but Ah Foong Kor refused to let me contact him...damn it!)

BUT BUT...i am confused.

Well, the day i decided to put down my past, it came back to me. With the familiar warmness and it now freaks me out even more. I PANICKED! But but but...i did yearned to be back in that familiar embrace...but but...

- his problems about our relationship with his family is still not solved. ( AND I TOTALLY HATE THIS PROBLEM!! IT REALLY HINDERS ME AND MAKES ME VERY ANNOYED!! And he doesn't really do much about it~)

- Am scared he would still think i toy with ppl feelings, use ppl's feelings blah blah blah...

- I felt i should be putting my heart with that Bear bear since i am (was) with him.

So ya...even if i lets go of Bear bear, i dun see the point in going back to his embrace at this time to face the same thing that makes me go ARGHHhhh...I really dun see how my parents can accept him, while his family can't do the same. So ya. I am honestly saying that i am a family person as well and i do have concerns about it. It really hurts me to know i am like not accepted due to my looks/BG and not my personality. It just makes me very...annoyed and not appreciated.

(Ok i know i am childish now and all, but ya...)

So...so....what shoulds i do nowwwwwshhhh!!

*smacks wall*

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Pillar of my Life...

"Don't be scared dar, No matter happens i will always love you, i will stay by your side till the end no matter how emo you get cuz you are my wife-to-be, loves you till the end of time, good night, sleep tight and sweet dreams"

These sweet tender words...i that couldn't get it out of my life. It brought me so much love, that it hurts so much now. It was the pillar of my life...

I happened to see it again last night and ended up crying again. I was so scared as reality struck me again and again. Am i really really gonna let go? Can i really really forget this love that held me up again and again during the lowest times of my life?

I don't know...

I called my brother and cried to him.

Though his words were firm, his tone was always gentle as usual. He don't even sound shocked when he caught this kitty crying for the first time. He said i might be treating my current bf as a substitute for the hole it my heart that was filled with the love i had for leon...that really hurts and it really scares me that that might be true. He told me to delete anything and everything i have of leon's but there's no way i think i can do that. That left me crying more as he used his little tactics to try calm me down.

It slowly got my crying to stop after an hour plus later. Calmed down enough to get tired and get back to bed again after 5am. That, i thank him so much.

I got up this today in the afternoon, still slightly gloomy. My bf messaged me asking what happened, i replied him with the cold hard truth that i was upset about my past relationship. He got upset and angry of course. Now kinda he shut me off a bit.

I guess I'll get back to him when i calmed down or maybe if he be nice to come comfort me, which i don't really see that coming. (He's not very sensitive to emotional stuff and tends to be an ass about it, argh)

So now i guess i would still spend my day emo-ing and stuffs.

*sigh*

Monday, September 27, 2010

Kitty's New Date...

Well, i went out with my new bf today. As some of you may have known, but yeah, we went out today as our first date outta kem. Though our 'crush' feelings pretty much died down a bit for me, i still agreed to be his date. I don't know what's wrong with me but, well...i'm willing to give us a chance to go for it.

Well we met up a bit late today, since he was late n i found him smoking outside CS when we met. (I need to get him to quit that in time. But at least he is nice enough not to smoke in front of me.) We got to walk around and and i met my cousin while strolling (HOLY SHITS!!). I hope she does not spill the beans to my parents though. I still wants this to be low key from my parents until our relationship stabilized, or at least till i learn to 'love' him apart from just liking him.

After that we took a taxi back to his hometown and strolled around the place. He keeps making jokes that i look like a kid and that i am short. AH WELLS~ At least i look younger than he ishhhh. He kept teasing me the whole time, it got him smiling, so i didn't really take it too seriously. Though he din have any funny business around me, at least he kept our hands locked. First to me keep close to him and secondly to keep me out of trouble. Since i kept almost get myself knocked down by cars, as usual. We went to his friend's restaurant actually and they eventually started teasing him a bit and asked him to serve himself after they heard we're on a date. Poor thing.

After we left the restaurant after he really wasted on the noms (Well, it got on my nerves....BUT IT'S OUR FIRST DAY. I SHALL BE LINEAR...for once), we headed to the theater to watch a movie. We bought tickets to Resident Evil 4. (OH YUSH <3 <-- nerd ) Which we got a bit too early, so we went on strolling trips again, mainly hand in hand. I did give him a few cuddles in secluded places (din dared to do much other then cuddles since he doesn't seem to really want to be intimate much) where we stopped, but he had not much respond to my provocative-ness.

"Are u still afraid of me?" i asked him and he nodded. Well, though i am slightly upset but i could understand his feelings. At least, starting now, i could learn to go step by step with him. Well, at least he seemed to be agreeing when i said that he shouldn't be afraid of me since i am literally shorter and weaker than he is.

We got to watch a movie. It must be a weird experience i am sure, watching movie with a giggling fan girl of RE and sexy zombies. THE SCENE SHOTS ARE PERFECT, though i must say it's pretty predictable much since i have played thru' the game version. HUR. But yeah, sexy sexy SEXY! Though it is so damned obvious that the main characters are so gonna win the umbrella cooperation though Alice's back to being human thanks to Mr. Evil mastermind there.

Well, then during the movie, nothing really much happened. No kisses, just noming watching movie and him trying to keep me warm. He's been nagging that i may have a fever due to lack of sleep and i actually felt warm outside the theater, and threatened about not bringing me out next time if i push myself. ARGH. >.< Still, i managed to give him little pecks here and there to show my affection, he accepted by stroking my hair and my arms, and letting me nuzzle him. (He did not let me kiss his cheek or his lips. Kept on turning away on purpose or shyness or both...)

After the movie, he wasted the unfinished noms again. (I am so gonna cure him of this. WASTING FOOD IS BAD HABIT!!) We strolled a bit more then hailed a taxi so he could get me back to CS so i could go home. The whole time though he was quiet, i think he noticed that I'm starting to have a headache too and just started his threatening about not bringing me out next time because he has to worry about too many things. Well, i just smiled, i was actually so glad he cared.

I can see he likes me a lot. He took the keychain with his name and another girl's off his handphone already and guess what, his wallpaper is a very nice picture of us together! He now actually let me look at his handphone while he's using it and actually told me who called and such when his phone started ringing. Though there's no goodbye kiss as well after i left the taxi (so ya, no kissed yet still even after first date), he kept SMS-ing me and all wanting me to be careful and call my father if i really feel too sick and such. It's very sweet.

I should really learn to love him soon, with him being so sweet and considerate and all. He deserves it but...you know...but i'll overcome it soon i hope and accept him into my life.

Though i still cannot say it now (because i can't lie), but i really hope there to be one day where both of us can show affection and say 'i love you' to each other. =3

Saturday, September 25, 2010

'Forever'

I came across Leon's photos while cleaning up some stuff today. Those were some things i really treasured of him even till now. His radiant smile then and that warm affectionate embrace. Even though i really hope for...but it would be unfair for wanting him to wait for me now.

I really hurt him too much. I myself being hurt this little much doesn't even balance out the fact that he's hurt more than anyone else.

Though our differences, we'd always thought we could last forever.

How long did 'forever' last again...? 2 years?
The feelings, our emotions. I have it even till now. But...have he given up yet?

Maybe I'm just being a bastard to him by having myself in another guy's (whom i don't even trust 100% yet) embrace, that's probably what he feels as a punishment to him. But by him being upset, would be my worse guilt ever.

Will he read this?

I doubt so...

But...I will always have that feelings for him, always. Either if I'm in his arms or not, but yes, always.

But now...as i have said, i need to be away from him because of some unspeakable problems as well. But...I just hope, in the mean time, he would still smile at me with that same affection self i knew of him.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Happy Mid Autumn Festival!!



Happy Mid Autumn Festival Everyone!!

My first Hetalia Fanart and ish CHINA!!
XDD
Hope everyone likes it.

Greetings with help from Wang Yao (China, Hetalia)
Hope everyone loves it and have fun! Try not to get fat from the mooncakes and tibits~ ♥

祝大家中秋节快乐!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Alone again...

How do i say this...?

I still love him, he knows that.
He still loves me...i know that too...

He hated it like this,
That I'm no longer in his arms.
I'm crying, i'm hurt. I needed some breathing space.

He gave me, I got it.

I know his concerns, his worries, his love.
I do hope he understands too.
I still love him.
But what i had now...it felt hurt to love, really.

I need some time, to sort myself out and to heal.
To forgive and forget,
To swallow the guilt that i got him suffering for 2 years much because of me,
To rest and think selfishly about myself...

A long time, maybe.
At least let me finish dealing the shitstorm i'd caused everywhere, on my own.
I needs that time, that growth in my life.
I can no longer 'see'.
I lost the sight which i loved and hated the most. (in many terms)
I cannot 'feel' anymore too.
I'm worried what might become of me.
But...I'll work it out somehow...

At least, I can breathe now.

But...

I miss him.

I don't regret my decision, but still, it hurts. It seriously hurts, still.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Oks PPL KITTY ISH BACK SAVE AND SOUND AND FOR GOOD!!

Last view of the Sea View on the 1st of September 2010 from Kem Desaru had successfully got my beating heart of excitement to a stop.

"I'm finally leaving," I thought, but a sharp pain pierced thru' my heart. Surprisingly, i too was upset about leaving this hell. Days i had been here, everyday i prayed to be back home soon but when it's finally here, only a sense of lost has overcome my mind. "Why?" I couldn't think out a reason why i need to miss this place. Painful memories and tough trainings, ridiculous rules and the stupidity of some people that i had to tolerate through these 2 months of 'time wasting'.

i stood alone and watched the surrounding around me. There were so much tears dripping everywhere around me yet i couldn't even speak, not even at least show a face of any emotion that indicates 'sadness'.

i spent like 5 minutes again staring out at the sea, I could remember so clearly. The sky with the thick dark storm clouds stained with the evening sun of reddish rays. The wind was so cold, putting me on hold with this calm yet lonely emotion.

Then i walked a few steps back and turned around, i watched him (D8-Ø8) finally sitting alone. I approached him and sat there, squabbled a bit then just leaning against his warm back for a while before his friends dragged him off again in another few minutes time for an 'A-RU-BAH'. Just that feel minutes of a moment, i knew i would definitely miss this kinda warmth, that first and final peck i left on his cheek earlier in the day, and that annoying squabbling we always had over the most ridiculous issues. We will meet outside again, but i guess that feeling would never be the same.

I ate my final dinner there though the taste really isn't that appetizing.

It was my final meal there from the kitchen.

Soon that last night came and everyone lost control. Some partied, some cried, some started singing and there was a lot of NOISE. I gave my friends hugs, took much pictures which they will upload on their FBs, shared bites from the same food and had our last laugh we would have in this camp as a part of Company Charlie.

I WILL NEVER FORGET.

"TEPOK, TEPOK COMPANY CHARLIE!!"

I then walked back to the MESS back in the canteen after the last Charlie reunion. Sat down beside him (D8-Ø8) again. 2 of us quietly staring out at the noisy and messy crowd. We didn't squabble or have much words. Maybe the 'lost' i am feeling, he had it too.

The Night was LONG and noisy. I didn't get to sleep at all after leaving my final picnic in B11 with Tsu Rong and Pei Pei ended.

Phones kept ringing throughout the night, but when it finally stopped at around 4am, the 40mins fire trigger is pulled to wake the Muslims up for breakfast.

I gave up sleeping and sat up. I took out my diary and started flipping through it. Every words, every drawing i did told me that i had been thru' a lot, while my friends' final words written on it reminding me that I've made my mark and it's time to go.

i din take much time clearing up the last few items and dragging my bags out.

I din have appetite for breakfast at all, because of my drowsiness for i plainly had a final cup of tea. I met Jerry (A1-01) in the morning, we talked a bit and had our first and final hug of farewell. I held him tight for a while and let loose of one of my best friend here. "Thank you," was what resounded in my mind, though i didn't have the guts to say anything at that moment except for "bye".

Then we all moved to the parade square to have our final attendance, a few laughs and last cries, waved then it's up and gone.

I sat in the bus with Anis, who was as quiet as i am at that moment. Normally, we're a playful and noisy pair. But at out last moments, nothing came out from our mouth in that 1 and a half hour but simply just smiles and her just leaning on my shoulder for the last time. The guy's aren't allowed to sit with the girls, so he (D8-Ø8) got shoo-ed away to the back where he sat with his friend. We remained on sms contact the whole time, keeping me company while i got carsick and frozen by the air-conditioning in the bus. His gentle words letting me know, he's still there.

Soon we reached Danga Bay and it's time to leave.

I got picked off pretty soon, so my last good byes all went off with the ring-tones playing on their phones.

I reached home sooner than i expected and i dropped on my bed.

"Where am i?"

Home.

"I'm back home...?"

Wait.

"Where are they?"

This is it?

I took a bathe to calm down, threw up gastric juice later on thanks to the car sickness, then changed to a new piece of pajamas. I watched 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' on my laptop while eating curry puffs and drinking a hot cup of milk tea. With a last sms sent to him (D8-Ø8) i fell asleep finally, while still hugging onto his shirt close to my aching heart...

"Thank you all so much...good bye, keep in touch and may we meet again!"

It's true, though i hated the place and hated some people. I still felt glad i got picked to go thru' this shit and had spent time living thru' this with everyone of you.

"I love you."

...

Once again!!

"TEPOK TEPOK KEM DESARU!!"







Friday, July 2, 2010

Bye bye peoples, see you guys in Early October...

So many things, so little time i have left now here before the lappy. Now packing up my stuff, with many heavy feelings and feels quite upset about this. But at least i have my phone with me, so i can still receive sms-ses. (Leon will be helping me top up so that i can still contact him in case i feels upset.)

Don't ask why i can't contact other ppls, is not like u guys are paying for my phone bills. =p <--stingy

-4 sets of clothing
-some random necessities for my hair and skin
-Medication
-1 empty blank notebook (which will serve as my diary and sketchbook)
-1 mechanical pencil
-1 small lead container
-1 eraser
-Leon's jacket and neoprints
-1 phone + charger

Still have somemore stuff to pack. Should i bring more misc stuff?

I stopped crying after crying for 2 hours plus until i got sick yesterday. Still upset though, but not crying anymore.

Seriously don't want to go somewhere where i don't know anyone and somewhere i dunno and may be in danger. (there was a gang rape case last year there and food poisoning case that killed some people the year before too.) <-- DANGER

Though i heard it's somewhere near my place.(I doubtingly think so)

Not really want speak of reason or anything like that, since this is not my decision or my choice. But I'm sure I'll miss everything here to the point i go bonkers and such. But I hope 3 months pass by fast, after that i will go school and meet u ppls and I wanna stay out for one night maybe. At a hotel/chalet. Just somewhere outside to spend time with u guys and of course my dearest Leon.

3 months, I'll be back a dark kitty (which i hope not *prays much* and packs in sunblock ). Anyways, I'll be gone in the afternoon 2moro and only be back in October 3rd/4th. So make sure to stab any idiots who hack my accounts.

Hmmm dunno what else to say. I'll update it before i leave i guess.

I'll miss you people lots. I love you and don't forget about me, or i seriously WILL be saddened. (Well I'll still be sadden to come back to fb and see how much I've missed out on life and my friends having fun take pic and such. ARGHhhh...)

But ya, I love u guys.

Hope i can still hear from u ppl before i leave and hiatus my Network and Social life.

PS: in case i dun come online on the 4th or even if u ask my leon he also no heard from me, prolly means I'm dead somewhere.

So i wanna tell u guys before i regret it: I love u all and i NEVER regretted walking my life and meeting everyone of u, good and bad. Thanks. I love you.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

两个人在一起久了,是会上瘾的~

两个人在一起久了,会发现自己有时幼稚的像个儿童。
两个人在一起久了,才知道原来一个人可以如此的去想念另一个人。
两个人在一起久了,自己的不良爱好会因为对方的不喜欢而终止。
两个人在一起久了,会比以前更加奋斗,把压力当成动力。
两个人在一起久了,奇怪的变的很乖,会按时吃饭按时睡觉。
两个人在一起久了,父母管不下来的习惯,会因为她的一声哼,而改正。
两个人在一起久了,会深深的喜欢上以前那份厌恶督促,催促,教训。
两个人在一起久了,脑子里会老记着去看看手机。即使是个山寨货。
两个人在一起久了,会常看一些生活小常识,星座相配,异性服装。
两个人在一起久了,偶尔就和发春状态一样说出我爱你。
两个人在一起久了,撒娇多了,冷言少了,(嗯) 字多了,(不)字少了。

两个人在一起久了,看见相拥,亲吻的场景,会用好浪漫去形容。
两个人在一起久了,人会变的很细心很敏感,嘴笨也学会甜言蜜语了。
两个人在一起久了,会在任何时间任何地点,为了一个可爱的幻想站着傻笑。
两个人在一起久了,常在琢磨是因为寂寞才想你还是想你才寂寞。
两个人在一起久了,漫不经心打听她小姐妹的情侣是否很出众,很乐意的给自己增加压力。
两个人在一起久了,即使搂在怀里了,也会为了自己一个虚有的幻想而担心失去,很不安心。

两个人在一起久了,平常游戏的时间是在专心的关注着对方的签名,日志,一切有关系的讯息。
两个人在一起久了,会很想陪伴着她去做她想做的事,即使是自己从没触碰过的。
两个人在一起久了,通常只是偷瞄走过的异性,然后惊慌失措的说句还是你最漂亮。
两个人在一起久了,兄弟,朋友的会常对自己说一句话。(重色轻友的家伙)
两个人在一起久了,虚伪说你真是个大坏蛋,内心不知道有多怜惜这个大坏蛋。
两个人在一起久了,是会上瘾的。

Friday, May 28, 2010

Getting upset again...

Is it that my existance mainly appears for men to have an erection of? Can anyone tell, how to make friends with men without them thinking under the belt or thinking that I'm a transvestite??

This is so frustrating.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAVE MY FRIENDSHIP SACRIFICED BECAUSE THIS GUY FRIEND OF MINE WANTS TO HAVE HIS HANDS IN MY PANTS??

Had my friendliness or gentleness been wrong the whole time? I don't even how, even by not touching or using any of those sexy words can get 'friends' telling me they want to make love with me!!

Tell me, guys.

What's going on in your brain now because i need to know it before i go bonkers and go ahead to hating normal guys too.


emo-ing and i broken soul i shall be. For now.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Emotion in shreds...

もう疲れた...誰だもう信じられない。

最後の真は:私は本当の‘友達’がない。
...だろう?

この事は私もう知っている。でも何でいつもいつもこの‘友達’に探したいの事があきらめないか?何でこの‘友達’と言うのが欲しいか?この物は自分と言うに大切な物か?いつもあの人たちの事が泣く、本当にいいか?

今の私止めたいて、あきらめたいていいか?

きみなら、我々の友情ガ切るか?
できるか?

実、私最近はこの事もう二人がやりましたよ。私は後悔がないだから、絶対に‘ごめん’が言わないね!

  ^^
_(≧o≦)_

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Kitty says her 'if's...

If i live outside alone...


  • I won't worry too much about finding jobs, because now, even if i want to go out to find jobs, i will be suspected of going to jobs and play with friends, even though i have never entered a single dance club before.


  • I won't have to worry about if i have to leave my room or not. Because now i'm scared to even leave my room because i want to have less conflict as possible between my family because obviously they hate me and always finds something to argue the hell about even if it has nothing to do with me or what i'm doing. They often lie to themselves about me because i keep myself locked in here. I'm judged as rebellious, hot tempered and useless.


Dear readers, do u think so too? Knowing me and such...do u think i am someone like that? I don't really see, why they're out to get my throat either.

I can invite anyone to my house, not having to worry about them getting onto their throats eithers.


  • I don't have to cry. Because I will no longer have the need to. Even if i live alone, at least i know, I'm loved and such. The everyday now, that i spent, it's so painful that it's so hard to describe unless you're in my shoes.

Maybe u think that I am lying and such, that I'm disrecpectful and just being a loner.

Even if it's just verbal abuse, being told that you're useless and such. it really hurt. I've worked so hard my whole life, trying to be perfect. My grades were never low and i tried as much as possible to please these people. And eventually, they ended up misunderstanding and even hating you. Saying so much, i hear of lies from their mouth, i din reply i din answer. I simply went back to my room where i feel the safest. The only thing i can do was to cry in silence. I couldn't shout in case they hear. They would think that i purposely do it to annoy them.

I hurt myself. They don't know that.

I know I'm crying myself blind already, I don't think they know or care. To tell you the truth, my right eye is having some problem now, it seems like very bright and glaring while looking at stuff. like a white light clouding it. Well, it's not that bad now, because i still can see colors and 'blur' words with it. But i guess it will eventually go soon. *sigh* Well, i still have my left eye. Ha!

Even though i try to avoid them as much as possible. Fear of their remark or attempt to hurt me, i still yearn for their love or concern as their child. It's hard u know, since more than half my life i have trusted and rely on them. It's so hard to want me to let go you know?

But i guess, it's prolly true about the doubt about them as my bio-parents. I have different a bloodtype as them . But still...I grew up knowing and loving them. But it like seems so fake now...whatever they used to give me. So fake that it hurts

Well,guess now my only family is leon huh...the only one i can love and trust and rely on. though i admit, he's not really that reliable. Hmm....


  • Well, if only we could have our own home sooner.

I hope...(though it's quite impossible).
I don't even mind if i have to suffer to support him...

For now, i really want to leave here now.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Upset and tired....kitty should nap...

It's very late now like 4am. I'm very very tired. yet also quite upset that i don't think i'll be able to see leon before he goes to ns service.

We were supposed to be meeting on may 2, but it's weekened so i can't go out.
then we changed to the 3rd, but apparently, hit on holiday of schools,so no transport and still I CAN'T GO OUT EITHER!! *cry*

He's going in on the 4th, prolly i wun see him for many weeks, or prolly a few months or so. So I'm pretty heart broken.

*sadden-ded*

Friday, April 23, 2010

Lovey kitty

Whimsical whimsical lovey dovey kitty.

Went out with the dar yesterday. Was so happy happy, even until now. Ish so pampered, love and taken good care by my dar dar though i feeling of like faintish because body of the heaty n very lack of sleep.

Loves my dar dar lots lots. Though he weak n or the moron at times that i want to piak him in the head...Hmmm....LOL

*kissh*

Now i sound like a moron. HAHhaa

What a pair~! ^w^

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Can't sleep at night again, nocturnal kitty

"O_O" My dear 'Sandra Jie Jie' still of stalking me....i forgots...HAhahaaa

Thanks couz. I'm fine. Just maybe i prolly like lock here too long and misses peoples that's all.

*still hugging donkey*

I am missing leon a lot. spent my time thinking ang thinking about us. Like things we did, how we met, why we quarrel.

Things about when he scolds me, throw me in the streets, our first kiss, us watching the full moon at beach in the night, us quarreling, him noming my food and says my cooking fails, swimming and realise he can't swim, eating kaya toast together, me crying when i miss him, his voice, his interests, him calling me stupid mao, him trying to wake me up in my morning, me trying to help him cover blanket when i pull away the blanket when i sleep, i punch him when he tries to surprise me, him ignoring me to play games....

i sound so obsessed.

Prolly because i really miss him.

but this is how my nights have become. Heart beating fast as though I'm drunk, memories of him flooding me. Keep crying, stop crying, smiling, then crying again, and then eventually decide i should not lie down and on the lights and sit by my lappy to do something constructive other than crying and getting my tummy upset too.

I wonder. What else could i say that 'i love u dar' and *kisses* on msn and while sms-ing. I kinda got tired of words. Yet, i do not know what else i can tell him.

I miss the way he looks at me, fondles with my messy hair, the way he hugs and touches me to makes me feel fo safe and blissful, the way we hold hands and play with each other's palm with our fingers, the way we wrestle while trying to tickle each other or when i am trying to smack him.

hah~

I am wierds. We're together for like more than 2 years and i still act like that obsessed, that in love with him when as we first kissed.

I just couldn't stop.

It's such a whimsical thing, why i just can't fall out of love with this stupid boy whom i love a lot.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Kitty tears as soon as i close my eyes in the dark...

I tired and hungry and i need to sleep. Tummy's not feeling well at all, because i couldn't stop crying. It's so quiet, peaceful and dark that i could hear my inner thoughts so clearly than ever before. And i most of them aren't pretty.

I feel so alone now.

I miss leon and my friends. Missing Leon even more since our time together will be even less than now in the future that i feel so afraid. It's like losing my only family. Though it's only for 2 years...but...i really no want to be just left alone like that.

Damned, i sound like some spoilt, selfish brat...

\(ToT)/

STOP CRYING U STUPID, SPOILT CAT!!!

*hugs donkey and waits till daybreak....*

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Emotional Kitty

I seriously wonder since when i got emotional. I am finally realising that i am crying a whole lot easier lately.....well actually like since the past 2 years...

Especially when it concerns something about family. I was watching 'Mainichi Kaasan' when i realise i got teary.Mind u, the anime is a comedy about a family. COMEDY. And now that i realise....i don't wanna go for graduation day.

....

ok....

I don't see why i have the need to tear and cry as well.No one's gonna turn back and look at me. No one's gonna pity me.

Yet....i can't stop it either...

I miss Leon.

....i hate being alone here....

Monday, April 12, 2010

Finally graduating from NYP mew~

AH~

It's been a short journey and i'm so going to miss my friends and people i met in NYP. T-T Waiting to get teh gradution notice letter from my aunt though, hope she faster give me. I still have many things to do.

Wondering if i ever will see my friends after this though. I is going to miss them a lot. >.< We should have chalet every year k?? then can go out and play, just the lot of us. AND TWISTER!! XDDD I had fun at the last chalet though, really enjoyed every moment together, even if things din turn out quite right the whole time.

Hope i could still get in touch with u ppls and leon especially during the random 3 months of MIA ness. Please dun think i dieded ok? I will call u guys after that to make sure i ok n still alive. Will not promise that i will not emo though...since i always does. But at least, i don't think i will kill myself. LOL

Prolly after that i might stay in the kach house, since they are willing to keep me. They should just make me god sister of kach or something, haha. I likes of the Kach family, friendly ppls.

Last thing: i realised i should blog more. LOL

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

While waiting for Lappy to recover itself, kitty rants...

I actually was donw with my portfolio stuff, until the lapppy crashed last night while i was finish on the name card. DAMNED!! And i made it look so nice somemore on the cover but it hanged before i could save it. STUPID COM. DIE AT THE WRONG TIME!! And one week after my harddrive died too. Well, good job. Now i have nothing to do but to wait and type blog n growl at fb comments.

This reminds me. I have like a month's worth on emails from horoscope sites telling me 'NOT TO TOUCH MACHINERIES, especially when it is red car'. My lappy is pink, i guess it's close enough? My harddrive broke, my handphone screen cracked, my room's tv got retarded. Ok and flikering lights....and my aircondition is dripping. Oh great. So i guess, if i meet up a red car i will be run over with? RAWRRRR!!

Maybe I'm not one with patience. Since my lappy had only been through this for like around one and a half hours? And i have been doing this since yesterday morning, though i keep restarting it like one hour after it loads. But today. I decided to wait. Hopefully it will load before noon so that i can do work, else i need go find lect to beg n prayy.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Kitty being in and out and BACK INTO DEEP WATERS AGAIN!!

I'm so tired, finally i am able to end my $800 debt and another shit cock up again. My harddrive busted and $200 plus flew away. And good, now i owe leon money and he refuses to pick up my call.

I've been crying so much that it seems it'll never stop. My heart hurts so much. i was finally looking forward to the day to be free and just a few hours later punched straight back into the soil. I'm so tired, I dunno how much more longer can i take this...Less than half a year, more than 1K gone. I CAN'T EVEN ENJOY MY CNY MONEY NOW!! I don't think i can even go out chalet with my friends at the end of the semester. I dunno If i'm being plain unlucky or what, i am so tired, SO VERY TIRED.

Half a month,
-1k plus gone
-Relationships got into jeopardy
-i at least lost 5kg UNHEALTHYLY, i bet u
-I have lost stuffs like 4 times (Only 2 times that i got it back)
-My Bed's stand Broke
-the injury on my toe got worse, now i have difficulty walking without feeling pain.
-My bunny bag broke
-One of my favorite Boots broke
...AND I F-ING SWEAR I DID NOT BREAK THE STUPID THING!! SO STOP SAYING I DID!!

I have lost so much, so much...
Time, fun, love, food, sleep....

What i have sacrificed myself of, I bet you'll never imagine the pain. It's not just about the money, I can tell u, i sacrificed a lot lot more than that. Every moment frustrated about how to clear my problems that no one can help me. (Or should i say, those who can refused to help me)

What can i do now, i am not sure. I'm too tired to struggle or help myself...

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Kitty hates the humans on the high chair...

I've heard someone in the govt died today and we as citizens are forced to wear black sashes on our arm or we're deemed to be caught by the police as a means of disrespecting our whatever that he is. WTS, like he has done anything for me in the first place and BLAH, i don't even know the person. For someone who's so cocky to even make people respect him after he died, damned, you must be one desperate dude for attention.

Sitting on the high chair makes u sooooo blind. It's not about wearing the black sash, it's more on the way of 'WHY DO I HAVE TO RESPECT U ANYWAYS'?

It's obviously ur incompetent that my life is sucky anyways. HURR.

BLOODY M.FUCKER, BLOODY GOVT PPL.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

New year's resolution 2o1o

Setting mah GOALS of 2o1o

1. Graduate from SIDM with honours (i will work hard on it)

2. Have success for fusion and hope i get into a good company that doesn't make me OT all the time. (i no want to sleep 1h everyday...it's of very tiring and stressful)

3. Have better improvement for depression problem. I do not wish to have another suicide attempt anytime soon. >o<

4. Take up modelling. (HURR...i wish...I'm short n fail)

5. Learn to save money properly. No more wasting money.

6. learn to make costume. (Anyone wants to lend/give me sewing machine?)

7. Learn to do impressionism...(OH LAWL)

8. I wish someone buy my art piece.... will it happen?

9. Clean my room before CNY. LOL, it's forever gets messy when i busy.

10. Final, lose more fats. Especially around my shoulder area.

XDDDDD

HAPPY 2o1o PEEPS!!