Monday, December 28, 2009

Mewsh After Thoughts for the Last Week

After being all frustrated about life, i finally had a bit of fun in the last week thanks to the help of many friends in TBN, old and new. Maybe it's because of this much fun and of being busy that i have forgotten that part of me being depressed. I was able to laugh and play (and flirt) without feeling much guilt, while at the same time work hard on my cosplay.

Even though i screwed up during the performace, i was contented enough because i knew i worked hard even though it was just one week. We got 1st runner up, losing to Chibi Sai's team. Well, that was expected, since he's so cute. LOL


Here u go ppl. Us. TBN EOY 2009, Guilty Gear XX reload

Thank you people, for helping me that much, i deeply appreciate it.

I don't think i might be cosplaying anytime soon, i need return HY her money ASAP, n after that, i will be broke. HURRR Well, unless someone decides to sponsor me AGAIN next cosplay, else i don't think i will be doing this for a long time.

No bad blood this year between members, i made new friends and got more noms.

So thank you.

I feels proud of myself thanks to u.
And so very honoured that naufal would nosebleed for me! AHHAhahhahHAHhaaa....

So, here's an eye candy shot for show~

Monday, December 14, 2009

Rotting kitty...

Still under a $200 debt and probably more soon. i feel extremely scared now...

I lost Leon's wacom pen and i seriously don't know what to do now. A new wacom pen cost like $110 and obviously i have no money for it. Leon's gone to holiday and this kind of shit happens...i don't think he'll be forgiving about this anyway....

Why so many things happen lately?

i feel vey unlucky....

Unlucky to the point that I'm attempting suicide. What else there is left for me anyways? Honestly thinking i'm already numb to the thought that i should live for who i love, what it already seems to me that I'm hurting who i love just by living. How much have i hurt them i don't know....My mind has been overshadowed mainly by the thought of sadness, hatred and anger.

How much...i don't know, but it seems to me that I'm crying everyday...

Am i suffering?

I hardly can recognize it anymore...

Do i need a doctor? i often ask myself.
Am i having depression?

I can see that myself, i knew it all along that i have it.

That often compulsion of grief and the urge to die...it already proves it all, that I have more than just a mild depression, more than just being upset.

I'm scared that i might be enjoying my pain now. Is that possible?

My premonition like 5 yrs ago might come true.

I may not live past 19...

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Mewsh, a waste of time...

Feeling down lately, even worse today...

Again and again, those words resounding in my head....
that I'm a waste of time, waste of efforts
that I'm just one to be hated by others
that I'm one who does not deserve the least respect

How can human love be so....fragile. Human thoughts being so manipulative.
Feelings, being so weak.

Seeing that it's true....that life....is harsh, poems and love are fake, being them simply binded by time, effort and money...

I just feel disapointed that I'm just part of it all...yet not realising it. That I'm played with so much....I lost myself whole heartedly into this fantasy i've built, thinking that money and tme doesn't matter, because 'love' will be stronger. But love, it seems, to be only just a word in the dictionary.

Love: any object of warm affection or devotion
(is that even true?)

A word to be replaced with money and time and...limited efforts....

limited....

why?

I've heard so much in fairytale, that the prince will save the princess eventually and live happily ever after...that's all fake....isn't it? The prince, if he can't save her beyond every of his efforts, beyond all the time he spent thinking and trying, he'll be intending to leave her forever there alone, stuck inside her own castle....right?

What else I'm i looking forward to now?

I cried, i begged, i forced him to save me...but is that right? What I'm doing....is that right at all? Is it wrong that I'm loving him, purely with that affection and devotion to just be by his side, to want him to comfort me whenever i am down doing the same vice versa and wanting us to forgive each other over and over again because i just love him like that.

Is that impossible?

Is it so painful really, that one suicide attempt can just force him away....if the princess attempts to jump off her castle, the prince will find his efforts in vain and simply walk away.

I'm so confused.

Even though I'm willing to give up now. i could even kill myself again...now.
Yet....
I'm stopping myself. I want him to be happy....

But in a way, after i did it yesterday, he was upset, why?

I thought i was a waste of his time, as he repeated his words again yesterday after the attempt failed.

Why was he upset? I thought he wanted to ignore me forever, ignoring my efforts to even apologise for what i've done...only managed to talk to him that morning, calling his house several times, until his mother left the house and he picked up the phone. Even his mother hung the call on me a few times, knowing that I'm calling....It hurts so much....

Wouldn't it be better that i disappear? Then i would not be that 'waste of time n efforts'

How can i tell him?

That i don't want to be wasting his time and efforts, that i want to force myself to leave him and the world by doing that?

How??

He won't listen to me at all....

How to tell him, without him ignoring me, without him getting upset with me, without him eventually leaving my side?

How to explain him that i wanted so badly for him to forgive me more than anyone else?

I don't expect him to smile at me ever again. I just hope he can understand why I'm hurt. I just wanted him to forgive me for making him upset, i wanted to him to know how much i love him and would go so far so that he wouldn't suffer from me anymore.

I do deserve anyone being like this, it's so hard to change knowing that i have nothing NOTHING at all for people to love me for who i am.

I don't even have the confidence to meet him again after doing so much to get him pissed off. i tried to killed myself, i cried, i held onto him, kneeling down begging him in public only to hear him to tell me to go away, go to school then he'll be proud of me, he have to go home...he has somewhere much more important than me.

He told me to stand up on my own. My question is how?

Knowing no one will be there holding me up, knowing I'm just that waste of affection, time and money....how?

My friend told me, I'm hurting everyone by doing that. I can call them Whenever i want to. For how long? how much? what's the limit? I wanted to ask, so much....

I feel so lost now being still alive, plus the fact that i promised him i'll give my blades to him.

I still feel so lost n upset...

Why?