Monday, April 20, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Ish Gackt's Vocaloid!!
The dancing Samurai!! With the other vocaloids of course!!
So cute~!! XDDDDD
Though is bad animation, in 3d sense. (It's animated kinda in a 2d way~) But it does not seem out of place though...
Hmmm....because they are vocaloids??
Well, I felt that last night. That long lasting feeling that burnt a mark in my heart. Something had always longed from him...It's something we hadn't been doing in a long time...that timeless, calm feeling of just being loved and doted. The last time we had time like this was like back in december, the second day we're together...well until he....=_="
ok...I shall no run through the eeky stuff...
So....Just to say it's a very sweet and nice feeling.
Just lying now and cuddling in his arms while listening to corny cheezy love songs, that I'll never much listen to. But at that moment, it felt so beautiful and sweet and it reflects those eyes that were looking down at me, with that very gentle loving expression~ Then hugging me tight when i was snuggling in his arms.
The beautiful night were slightly spoilt by the skaters beside us though...but to me, those are insignificant as compared to this beautiful expression he had for me...that i can still remember it now the cold night which his warmth emitting and warming me up with a slight smile that it makes me feel all tinglish~
Hopes we haves more of these little moments, instead of little disagreements that gets us apart.
Canz we please?? Leon sama~<3
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Being at this fucked up house is bad enough, keeping me 24/7 depressed and bringing me to the point that I'm always toying with my life, doing things I don't do normally. like, would u just hang yourself for nothing and wait, until u lose you breath and eventually struggles, that you finally let go? And would u just cut yourself so deep to see neverending flowing blood and wait till it stopped dripping that you go and wash it off and put on concealer, so no one will see it (especially people that worry about u)?
That happens to me, millions of time.
Things that just happens too much and too fast that eventually, I don't even know if I should cry at all. Since, probably I'm seasoned to it.
Everytime...erm well, sometimes...I called up Leon, just for help. Just emotional help, that hoping, he could just say something to make me forget or calm me down...Well....Just ends up with me crying and losing my voice all at once that make me realise...I can't even ask him or call him for help...
I cannot even save myself either...I don't have enough will to. Like as if, I meant for this to happen and eventually kill myself with it...for a long long time....it makes me wonder, if i ever longed for freedom and happiness at all. I'm always in this spiral that ends up only darker and darker when I realise how helpless i am and how much I just wish i could wash it all and ends all this with just a knife through my neck.
I don't know why adults don't like me of, even for people i love...it eventually happens to the point thay start hating me for no particular reason at all...and guess what, they refuse to tell me in person either.
Sometimes i wonder, what the hell i did and ponder so much that i get emo and stuff when i get confused. Because...I really wanted to correct whatever that is wrong with me.
But You know, sometimes things can't be helped.
My background is messy, my past is ruined and damned obvious that people just assumed that I will become someone that meant harm to others. Even for Leon's mother...She's someone I respected. I love her, for the care and concern she gave to me even though I'm much of a stranger to her. But soon when she suspects of me having depression, she told Leon to break up with me because she knew i called me (once) and started crying and that i can't talk. Leon didn't defended that, he just kept quiet about it and now hides from his mother the fact that we're still together.
My Mother always tells me that she will talk to me when i need help. But always, this happens when i talk and wants to just start a simple conversation with her. She will say that I'm just someone who has too much secret 'fullstop' and will not talk to me.
what the hell?!
She can talk to my sisters, about anything, like friends. Why not me?
My siblings always picked on me and bullied me, no one ever stands up for me. Even when i finally gets pissed what ever my prents will tell me is 'Why are u scolding them? They're still young, they're like this because of you. You set example to them, so they learn from you! And because they young, u bully them is you wrong! If they are your superior, you talk to them like this, you get fired!! You think you are very smart?? Then leave the house, don't live in the house if you don't do what i say!!"
I no longer know.
What did i do?
I don't even have the rights to defend myself anymore...
I rather just hide myself in the room, after that. Since i don't have the rights to say anything, since I am wrong?
I tell anyone about this, first, they think i like to whine and complain or either they think I am an abused child or that i have nothing better to do then just blame my parents because they scold me.
I no longer understand. What Leon meant by he love me and will save me. That He will give and replace the love that my family and my ex can't give me.
Whatever he is saying...I doubted.
Not only once.
So I now knew...If i ever need for help when i depressed or sick. Do not call him unless I'm seating at an edge of a building or just happened in accident in critical condition in hospital, cause' i know...he will not come, yet just find me being nonsensical unless it's an emergency like me going to die within seconds.
I no longer understand. Whatever the importance of life is.
When ever i tell someone that, I realise...They not seemed to understand much and cared at all. I've heard too much of 'You can do this'. 'please don't cry' and 'I'm so sorry'....etc
The truth it, I can't.
whatever the 'I can help u' appeared to me as lies.
Since i have yet to see much prove at all...
'I will be with u all the way, call me and I'll do anything to help u...'
No one ever speaks the truth and that responsibility of these words are always gone whenever i gets serious about it.
If I'm as naive as a child that people decieve me, then that is just too much!
Too much for me to handle and say 'It's ok, I dont mind', when i know that those lies that they gave me really got me so upset. I'm a serious person, I know. I get too serious in promises and things that people tell me.
Leon tells me 'not all promises can be fulfill'.
But...Don't him not understand that how serious i treat this and makes sure that all my promises and that his promises to me can be fulfill?? That i slave myself and worked so hard and rush them for just that bit of time, that i wish to just be with him, just for a little bit. That i force myself to do things, so he can say i did a good job and I'm a good girl. I wanted to be perfect in everyway especially for him.
I don't know...too confusing...every of this.
I don't want to blame people for my depression either.
If I'm in just wrong, someone explain it to me please.