Sunday, March 29, 2009

Mewsh for me!

I should play more and slack more i guess. Keeping all coopped up is tha probably the reason why i am feeling depressed and suicidal and more sorts.

I got to meet the bakas again yesterday and really. I was happy the whole day and had a lot of fun, though my feet were killing me. (Stupid high heels, i should have brought my slippers with me....left it at leon's place)And I had a few new friends from kuro bara~ That's good right?? hehe!!


Ok, A bit too high now because of coffee x coke.

working this week was kinda....slacky...
always, trying to slack off by reading manga.
But oh well, i do still work really hard, so trying to play as hard. lols

thinking of composing new songs lately....hmmm....hope i have time...
cause' i really have some good tunes in my head!!
XDDDDDDDDDDd maybe i should get a cable and a guitar to play~


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Kitty's loves living with her Puddings~

Stayed over at Leon's place last night.
Cause' I don't want to go home to see mw worse nightmares and depression roaming into my brains to kill cells that i need to work and ecchi-fied Leon LAWLS. Ya, so i kinda...erm...ran away from home for the day?

We spend our night together having supper after i bathe, that i can't finish and had him eat my leftovers. Then chit chat. Then he watched me do homework. Then accompanied me back to bed.

Though can't sleep with him in the same room, less talk about same bed... (Future mother-in-law ground rules <-- She's a pretty nice person though, I likes her) But i did feel really happy and fortunate to have stayed with my Love overnight under one roof. I had goodnight kisses and morning kisses!! and huggles and smacks and LAWLS the whole morning. (Though last night i keep thinking ghosts will come in, since the door is open and it's dark everywhere... But but at least that lasted only half an hour or so, then i fell asleep.)

such a pity that i am going back to JB later today... >.<
NUUUuuuuuu.... Me no want sleep one, two hours per day... ToT
I die....

But oh well.

At least for one day, i felt like we're married couples.
He made me noms noms, shoo me to go do my morning rituals, trying the wake the morning zombie, help me dig for things i want...etc...

it's pretty interesting.
especially when I'm not awake in the morning normally, since I have low bp and this affects the way i react in the morning...cause' blood flow is SLOWWWwww in the brains... until i can't think and goes zzz everywhere. But oh well, i took it pretty easily, since I'm used to it. Being gong gong all the time when i sick or waking up in morning.

But I'm sure that if we ever got married and have life like this.

We'll probably be late for work pretty frequently......  <-- Phail

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Kitty's Guilt...

Everytime i want something from Leon, especially i beg for him to give us some more time to be together...that uneasy face of him gets me guilty once he agreed to me...

Why do i have to do this all the time?

Don't we already have like the whole free time together, in the morning and after school/work? How can i treat him and torture him like that? making him in s pot. when he has no money and when he's not free? Why am i so stupid and stubborn?!!!!!!

I don't want him to worry, less wanting to get upset about these small matters and when i get upset...I DON'T WANT TO GET HIM SO UPSET ABOUT IT! less that i wanna get him involved, and over worried about my well being all the time.

I know i am weak and an idiot. But...

I dunno...just the urge to be independent again?
it's always a struggle.
am i too dependent on him?

i feel that I'm getting more and more weak mentally and physically.

Getting emotional all the time and a lot of breakdowns and crying.
I must be going nuts...

Sherwin said is seriously need some professional help. i?

Today he overhead some shitty stuff on the really upset and concerned about my well being. I dunno how to talk to him about it. since...You know. it's my matter. He shouldn't be too involved in the first place.

oh he msged. ask if i wanna run away from home.

he must be outta his mind.

I'll call him later and talk to him.
I don't want him to be so upset. especially when it's because of me.

Kitty's doted and in distress...

These few days went by so fast and soon it shall be last week of March and 1/3 of my IAP will be done soons. I missed my friends in school and back here in internet lala land~ I will call up people once in a while to talk. But... ^w^ I'm happy that they're doing good!

Reading accounts of ghost stories in SG, in a book lately and gets really papranoid about the paranomals....lols
I don't go public toilets, i never view at mirror unless it's broad daylight, and Don't go anywhere dark and cramp and creepy. LOLs
Won't even let go of Leon at night. Ah~ and gets very tensed up whenever i reached Newton Mrt stn....hues~ (read Russel Lee's book 3 of the singapore true ghost stories) Hehehes

Ah~ So much work lately...
stress and tired all the time.
no appitite and stuffs.

And Then my body is phailing lately...
I get gastric pains and dizzy fainting spells really easily. Not only because i skip meals, it's becaused I'm really stressed up. The tension in my body lasts a long time, only going off late at night that i can finally fall asleep. Not only pains and dizziness, my breathing had been deeply affected as well. hyperventilation, panic attacks..all kinds off shitty health problems dropping themselves on me. But oh well, I'm eating well lately thanks to Leon~ Who is main provider of my nom noms. lols

I missed Leon every now and then whenever I am alone. I must be really really obsessed with him or something, since i dream about him every weekend without fail.

But things happened.
Maybe i am doted too much, so things got a little way too out off hands with my bipolar disorder and autistic self all back to haunt me, Leon and many others around me. He lets me bite him and hit him...but it gives me really big guilt to do this. cause' I never wanted to hurt him, but my depression gave way and i did it. He didn't want me to hurt he kinda sacrificed himself for it.

This morning, he was already pretty concerned about those wounds which are gonna get really ugly scars on my arms. There's no way i can save them i guess...but i din' regret doing any all these shit to myself though. just guilt makes me very upset, like i have done something wrong and bad to Leon. Sometimes, i get irritated by him because of little stupid things (<-- I shouldn't be so petty, but i can't help it) that he didn't intend to do, and i gets cold and ignores him and sometimes, bite him.

I guess...whatever i am now is well...torturing him. I know it gets him really upset when I emo or do stupid things or when i treat him coldly.

Sometimes I get confused, kinda emotionless for no reason and i feels like breaking off my limps and hurt myself. then i would calm down for no reason, still being very confused.

I was like that on wednesday...I was in total confusion...started talking about people treating me in a very calm tone. I wasn't feeling upset at all. just being all numb and tired in my tone.

Leon cried.

He was crying for me.
He said i was in pain. And that well, i just didn't realise it...that how much pain i kept in myself. i?

He refuses to give me a straight answer though...but nevermind. I guess, it's just something i cannot comprehend and understand. (=^w^=)"

But he cares a lot about me. I must be more 长进 so that he can be more proud of me!
YOSH! I shall be guai~

(cause' scared of ur punishment) lol
But ya...i try to be guai....

...a bit.


Both our mothers found out our relationship i guess.

Leon's mom was too smart for him, so the answers were leaked.
She accepted me of course, but with gentle reminders for Leon to not end us up in a broken matrimony.
My mom...she had a stalker following me i guess, and totally disagree on the fact that i can love and thinks that I'm some kind of slut.

The first thing i hear from her when i reach home after a week was "Someone saw a guy being intimate with u in the don't come back if anything happens...the guy will never take responsibility if i get pregnant..."...etc
what the hell?!!

Leon will never abandon me like that!

plus, so what if I'm being intimate with him? He's my one and only true boyfriend, i love him. AND I DON'T FLIRT AS MUCH AS SHE DID WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER DUH~! I don't need to be like her and get pregnant before marriage.

Though I'm dumb, I still know how to be careful and things like that and I KNOW for sure, Leon will take care of me no matter what. He's smart in these matters. (I only smart technically and acadamically)

Well, yeah.

I know I will find happiness and secure finally now.
I believe with this love we had for each other can pull us through anything, for us, each other.


Kitty will turn out to be the princess with happy ending with true love, right?

Tagged by Jovelle

you have been tagged in this, write the names down of the 21 people then answer the questions. Say you’re guessing if you don’t know, but at least guess on all of them. After doing this, tag your 21 friends to do the same:

List 21 random people:

1. Ken
2. Leon
3. Leonard
4. Adrian
5. Weipeng
6. Yoshi
7. Carl
8. Sky (Spikey pein)
9. Darryl (Jiraya)
10. Nick (Nicholas - Shino)
11. ita chan (fame - Itachi)
12. Ebi (blind Pein)
13. Rog
14. Renee
15. SK
16. KC
17. KT
18. Kai
19. Chibi Sai
20. Key
21. Taks

*How did you meet 7?

*What would you do if you had never met 15?
Then Tobi probably won't be a good boy and never had formed Akatsuki "O_Q" NUUUUuuuuu....

*What would you do if 20 and 1 dated?
HHAhahhahahahhaaa Key and Ken??? IMPOSSIBLE....but if it happens...i think it'll be wierd...>.< kenken will be 2-timing.lols

*Have you ever seen 17 cry?

*Would 3 and 6 make a good couple?

*Would 4 and 16 make a good couple?
no no no no no no no no no no no no NON ON ON ONONONONONONONONONONOO OOOOOOO........

*Describe 19:
short. looks like girl. gentle friendly nice reserved....short.

*Do you like 17?

*Do you think 21 is attractive?
Oh yeah, he hash pretty legs!! Cheers for DADDY~

*What is 5’s favorite color?
he doesn't have any preference i think. it's probably black.

*When was the last time you talked to 9?
last week

*What language does 11 speak?
mandarin, english, Singlish...that's it

*Who is 13 going out with?
Nobody at the moment.

*What year is 16 born in?

*What is 14’s favorite music?
Ticket outta loserville

*Would you ever date 7?
EEks...That'll be wrong.....he'll be a pedophile. >.<

*Would you ever date 3?
No, then I'll be a pedophile.

*Where does 18 live?
I dunno

*What is the best thing about 4?
He ish very caring n fun

*What would you like to tell 10 right now?

*What is the best thing about 20?
She loves me a lot!

*Have you ever kissed 1?

*What’s the best memory you have of 9?
HAhhahaa...our huggles~

*When’s the next time you’re going to see 4?
i dunno.

*Is 2 pretty?
OF COURSEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! *kisses my love*

*What was your first impression of 15?
SK: NO HUGS MEEEEEEeeeee.......*gets tickled* HAHahhahhahahHAHhahahaa...

*How did you meet 3?
Baka Ninja first meeting.

*Is 5 your best friend?
Hahhahaaa....if he wants to, WE CAN!

*Have you seen 18 in the last month?
HAhhaha yeah, and yesterday and the days before that and the day before and before and before...

*When was the last time you saw 16?

*Have you been to 21’s house?

*When’s the next time you’ll see 10?
I dunno for sure.

*Are you really close to 6?
Not really.

*Have you been to the movies with 4?

*Have you gotten in trouble with 8?
Nah~We're buddies~

*What did 12 write on your wall?
Nahhhhh he no facebook

*Would you give 19 a hug?
*HUGSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssssssssssssss* XDDDD

*When have you lied to 13 ?
sometimes....i have to do it. since he ish very funny to tease with. LOLS

*Do you know a secret about 11?
nope and dun wanna.

*Describe the relationship between 12 and 18.
they dunno each other.

*Has 1 met your mother?

YAY~ done, now ur turn.
(lazy to tag leh....since i tag in fb i shall forgo this...)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Urg....Kitty gots nomed by life.

Don't really know what the hell is wrong with me until i got slapped in the face during jap class, by a newspaper article about women getting depression.

I probably knows about it. But well, never much cared since I don't think it's important. Well, until me tryng to jump off a railing last thursday caught my attention. mewshhhhh.....*sigh*...

Am i being too hard on myself lately i wonder.
Or is just lacking to sleep my problem, that i stopped trying to be kind to myself.
I don't know.

But either way...thank god i have Leon~

Else i had not lived till now.


If you want to know what on...

What happened was, i was really stressed that day.
My arms filled with scratched and marks from days before and the current day, done by myself. (I'm pathetic i know and i look like I've been abused. My arms looks rotten and torn.) I got irritated and frustrated, and i kinda took it out on him, once he mentioned another girl's name, praising her and such. I hate that.

Then he ignored me for a bit. I was really hurt. Though i was still smiling and such, i was really scared that he'll get upset. About I'm scared that him getting angry it's an excuse. Not that I'm that afraid of him, but I'm more afraid that he'll hate me for that. Being so stupid and all.

I was really messed up. I refused to move, once i reached woodlands station. Refused to go anywhere and I'm left to sit down and refused to talk. I am really really feeling much frustration that I'm very destructive and refused to let Leon or anybody touch me. So leon really left me alone...for like an hour plus or 2. I was so scared. I cried...I tried to call people but many of them didn't answer until i reached ah boy. I seriously was thinking of suiciding; jumping off the railing in front of me. I was standing there and talking with ah boy until i got a bit irritated by the phone. So i sat down again and quickly call Leon before anything stupid happens to me.

He said he was near his house block...

I have nothing to say. Why is he so far away? (Leon told me on the phone today that he was intially near me, just across...but he kinda wondered off while talking on the phone with hentai) I dunno...that's probably a lie. But...It doesn'y make sense...if he were to be watching me why did he leave and didn't see me holding n pushing myself already half way off the railing trying to balance myself while making a choice to die or live.

but oh well.
I thought of him and our promises. so i decided to call him.

Then he came back.

i was literally shivering as i saw him approaching me. then he came around me and gave me a hug. I cried again.

I was hugging him so tight, tears was flowing out like a tap and me apologising unstop with my barely recognizable voice and volume. He tried to call my home, He was about to ask them if i could stay with him for tonight, since i not in the condition to go home, but my sisters hung his call. So he accompanied me to the interchange to see if there's still the last bus home. (Luckily there is and i went home)

But then again. I pondered.

Why didn't i kill myself that night and
why did i try to kill myself that night?

So again. Thank god for Leon, before i tried to do anything. You know...if that day, if Leon was angry or didn't answer...I would have jumped off for real. Thank you dar for loving me, and saving me. (=^w^=)

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Kitty Sees Pudding...

*random posts*


It falls out of window...