Monday, December 28, 2009

Mewsh After Thoughts for the Last Week

After being all frustrated about life, i finally had a bit of fun in the last week thanks to the help of many friends in TBN, old and new. Maybe it's because of this much fun and of being busy that i have forgotten that part of me being depressed. I was able to laugh and play (and flirt) without feeling much guilt, while at the same time work hard on my cosplay.

Even though i screwed up during the performace, i was contented enough because i knew i worked hard even though it was just one week. We got 1st runner up, losing to Chibi Sai's team. Well, that was expected, since he's so cute. LOL


Here u go ppl. Us. TBN EOY 2009, Guilty Gear XX reload

Thank you people, for helping me that much, i deeply appreciate it.

I don't think i might be cosplaying anytime soon, i need return HY her money ASAP, n after that, i will be broke. HURRR Well, unless someone decides to sponsor me AGAIN next cosplay, else i don't think i will be doing this for a long time.

No bad blood this year between members, i made new friends and got more noms.

So thank you.

I feels proud of myself thanks to u.
And so very honoured that naufal would nosebleed for me! AHHAhahhahHAHhaaa....

So, here's an eye candy shot for show~

Monday, December 14, 2009

Rotting kitty...

Still under a $200 debt and probably more soon. i feel extremely scared now...

I lost Leon's wacom pen and i seriously don't know what to do now. A new wacom pen cost like $110 and obviously i have no money for it. Leon's gone to holiday and this kind of shit happens...i don't think he'll be forgiving about this anyway....

Why so many things happen lately?

i feel vey unlucky....

Unlucky to the point that I'm attempting suicide. What else there is left for me anyways? Honestly thinking i'm already numb to the thought that i should live for who i love, what it already seems to me that I'm hurting who i love just by living. How much have i hurt them i don't know....My mind has been overshadowed mainly by the thought of sadness, hatred and anger.

How much...i don't know, but it seems to me that I'm crying everyday...

Am i suffering?

I hardly can recognize it anymore...

Do i need a doctor? i often ask myself.
Am i having depression?

I can see that myself, i knew it all along that i have it.

That often compulsion of grief and the urge to die...it already proves it all, that I have more than just a mild depression, more than just being upset.

I'm scared that i might be enjoying my pain now. Is that possible?

My premonition like 5 yrs ago might come true.

I may not live past 19...

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Mewsh, a waste of time...

Feeling down lately, even worse today...

Again and again, those words resounding in my head....
that I'm a waste of time, waste of efforts
that I'm just one to be hated by others
that I'm one who does not deserve the least respect

How can human love be so....fragile. Human thoughts being so manipulative.
Feelings, being so weak.

Seeing that it's true....that life....is harsh, poems and love are fake, being them simply binded by time, effort and money...

I just feel disapointed that I'm just part of it all...yet not realising it. That I'm played with so much....I lost myself whole heartedly into this fantasy i've built, thinking that money and tme doesn't matter, because 'love' will be stronger. But love, it seems, to be only just a word in the dictionary.

Love: any object of warm affection or devotion
(is that even true?)

A word to be replaced with money and time and...limited efforts....

limited....

why?

I've heard so much in fairytale, that the prince will save the princess eventually and live happily ever after...that's all fake....isn't it? The prince, if he can't save her beyond every of his efforts, beyond all the time he spent thinking and trying, he'll be intending to leave her forever there alone, stuck inside her own castle....right?

What else I'm i looking forward to now?

I cried, i begged, i forced him to save me...but is that right? What I'm doing....is that right at all? Is it wrong that I'm loving him, purely with that affection and devotion to just be by his side, to want him to comfort me whenever i am down doing the same vice versa and wanting us to forgive each other over and over again because i just love him like that.

Is that impossible?

Is it so painful really, that one suicide attempt can just force him away....if the princess attempts to jump off her castle, the prince will find his efforts in vain and simply walk away.

I'm so confused.

Even though I'm willing to give up now. i could even kill myself again...now.
Yet....
I'm stopping myself. I want him to be happy....

But in a way, after i did it yesterday, he was upset, why?

I thought i was a waste of his time, as he repeated his words again yesterday after the attempt failed.

Why was he upset? I thought he wanted to ignore me forever, ignoring my efforts to even apologise for what i've done...only managed to talk to him that morning, calling his house several times, until his mother left the house and he picked up the phone. Even his mother hung the call on me a few times, knowing that I'm calling....It hurts so much....

Wouldn't it be better that i disappear? Then i would not be that 'waste of time n efforts'

How can i tell him?

That i don't want to be wasting his time and efforts, that i want to force myself to leave him and the world by doing that?

How??

He won't listen to me at all....

How to tell him, without him ignoring me, without him getting upset with me, without him eventually leaving my side?

How to explain him that i wanted so badly for him to forgive me more than anyone else?

I don't expect him to smile at me ever again. I just hope he can understand why I'm hurt. I just wanted him to forgive me for making him upset, i wanted to him to know how much i love him and would go so far so that he wouldn't suffer from me anymore.

I do deserve anyone being like this, it's so hard to change knowing that i have nothing NOTHING at all for people to love me for who i am.

I don't even have the confidence to meet him again after doing so much to get him pissed off. i tried to killed myself, i cried, i held onto him, kneeling down begging him in public only to hear him to tell me to go away, go to school then he'll be proud of me, he have to go home...he has somewhere much more important than me.

He told me to stand up on my own. My question is how?

Knowing no one will be there holding me up, knowing I'm just that waste of affection, time and money....how?

My friend told me, I'm hurting everyone by doing that. I can call them Whenever i want to. For how long? how much? what's the limit? I wanted to ask, so much....

I feel so lost now being still alive, plus the fact that i promised him i'll give my blades to him.

I still feel so lost n upset...

Why?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Kitty loves at Miyavi and sees still bitty of self



Though i can say i still live among the "jibun kakumei" era of miyavi, i find this song of him not bad.
^w^

AWESOME JOB WELL DONE!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

KItty don't even deserves anything...

Depressed right now, because everything seems to be failing. My beloved dog's dying. Leon's sick, i think. Wei perng says I'm not suitable for leon and that i'm being insensitive to him.

I didn't hear a word from leon. But from what i seems, I'm the blamed party. It doesn't matter what i say because no one really listens and they don't care. It's even my fault that Leon hangs the phone on me when i cry it seems. So ya, I'm the evil party who terrorize people minds with my pain.

It's a pain no one ever accepts.

I can't even cry to my boyfriend or anyone in particular. I cause so much problem to him that i can't even gain a simple sense of acceptance. And guess what? The damned topic began by me saying that i 'wierdly feel no empathy for leon being sick'. And i was asked to repent, which clearly i cannot since i already don't feel anything.

Leon don't even care if wei perng's preaching me i guess. It just reminds me of JJ's friends saying i should die.

Hm...ya...maybe i should.

maybe...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Worthless kitty?

It's end of the 1st week of new school semester. All i can say it started well and boils my motivation to get As for all final Semester because I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE to someone who said that i did a good job because of pure luck.

tell me if i got this by 'pure luck'
(click to enlarge picture, it's a digital Matte Painting by the way, purely PSD)


It's very very much pissing me off when i see her work...like so much eekier using a block like brush?? U might say I'm mean or bad, trying to make her look bad whatever. Hey! If you're in my position when she says, "Wow, it's so pretty. You're pure lucky to have done this." I'm SOOOooooo sure you've slapped her. At what i do, is did like a fake laugh, just to make her happy.

WHAT THE HELL is wrong with this person, just trying to put people down. She's always like MAKE people look at her deviantart and when people critic, she's like give excuses, like she doesn't have time and such, ya right. And then she ALWAYS says that she can do better than me since i got it by 'PURE LUCK' and she never does it and go on ranting and ranting that i do things by pure luck....

YOU KNOW HOW BLOODY IRRITATING THAT IS? What makes she think i did less work than her or that i can just do things by pure luck? If I'm SOOOooOOooo lucky, I don't think i even want to attend school or meet her at all.

And then there was another girl, who happened to be enemies with my other 2 friends. Though i do not have grudges towards her at all. I didn't even try or did anything to piss her off. She was bad-mouthing about me. It's was something SO LAME, that no one in particular will rant about me.

SHE RANT ABOUT MY DAILY ATTIRE!!

she was like Why can't i dress normally, like As if I'm not and keep on saying that she's damned fashionable and such. I'M NOT EVEN LIKE WEARING SOME FEATHERING GAY SUIT, what makes her think that I'm wearing OUTRAGESLY <-- yes she did use that word.

She's not even like my mother or something. And to think that I'm being unaffected by her bad mouthing because she didn't say anything about me to me. (Well, of course she didn't, because that what's it's all about. Plus i heard it from a few people already...)

Seriously, why does people like to make others look bad?!!
It's like their hobby or something...

Other than that issue that I'm pissed off about, there's that the phone's not working so i can't call leon at all.

And then he promised me he'll be online when he reached back to Hentai's place like hmmm....4 hours ago? And i said i WILL wait for him to get online.

First, he didn't...it's ok...
Second, HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY TO SMS ME THAT HE'S NOT GONNA BE ONLINE!!
(optiona but i can't even use it: THE BLOODY PHONE LINE IS CUT SO I CAN'T EVEN CALL TO HIM AND ASK HIM IF HE'S GONNA BE ONLINE OR WHATEVER)

Yes I'm pissed off that I'm made to wait like this? And well, if i rant to anyone, they'll just say I'M BEING STUPID ENOUGH TO BE UP FOR 4 HOURS TO WAIT FOR HIM! YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?? 5.52AM!! IT'S LIKE NEAR DAWN, I'M BLOODY TIRED AND ON THE VERGE OF FAINTING FROM HUNGER!!

OK I AM A FOOL.
A word keeping fool. I DON'T USE COMMON SENSE!! I'm stupid. That must be it, I'm so stupid to have to think that i want to keep my promise to someone important to me.

I'M NOT A BLOODY STONE YOU KNOW! I'm also a person. I do need to eat and sleep as well. DO NOT SURVIVE JUST BY PURE LUCK AND YES I DO GET ANGRY WHEN PEOPLE DO THINGS TO ME!!

i feel like crying...

Don't even know why am i still up and waiting.
Tried to off the lappy once and go to sleep. Which apparently i can't, since I'm too upset to take a wink.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Kitty's review: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?



Remember Roger Rabbit and his really hawt wife, Jessica Rabbit? And Maybe a bit of your Space Jam buddies? Hmmm, what about Mary Poppins?

Nostalgia, magical times of our childhood.
Our minds wanting to explore toon town.

It brings me back loads of memories. And i realised that cartoons nowadays could hardly give us that kind of impression. Nick toons is trying, good effort, but...it just doesn't have that realism that the old cartoons can give us. Giving now that I'm studying animation myself, i don't even have the confidence to pull off such amazing films!

But yet, I want to try it. I want to bring it all back, the magic and of course the favorite, subliminal masking. LOLs.

Any takers?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Kitty hates online HJJ...

This is why....
So bloody pissed off by it. What does he think i am?? An internet sex toy?!!*growls*


http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=52489316&blogId=511791441
(my blog link on myspace)

I don't really know how these people think, what the hell they think they are?
i blocked him of course....but before that, see how many times i toleranted his comments....

*growls* GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Life of a Stone Cat


Dropped myself into one of those dark holes again AS USUAL because I'm a bloody forgottened individual AS USUAL. How pathetic it seems to get mad at SOMEBODY and he/she responds me with nothing. Wow! It seems that whatever i feel or do or my existance, it DOESN'T matter! The Earth will still orbit, people will live FINE OFF WITHOUT ME.

HOW CAN HUMANS BE SO SELFISH!! Everytime they seek out love and warmth from me and yet denies mine when I need someone! My silence means less noise pollution, my tears means nothing, my lonliness is what i deserve, IS THAT RIGHT?!! I do not know else anymore, why am i always the cause of every fault? I'm just a STONE that happens to be in your way anyways...yet You yourself walked over it yourself and tripped. In the end I'M THE BLOODY FAULT THAT U FELL and yes as usual THE PAIN I FELT FROM YOU TRIPPING OVER DOESN'T MATTERS!! Yes, I'm sorry about it but yet....are you? And then again, everytime, my efforts of lifting you up as a 'stepping stone', I'm not appreciated anyways and forgotten soon after you're at the top.

Do you even care that it hurts as much as you stepping on or over me as much as it hurts yourself when u hit the ground?

My existance is too mild for your amusement, so mild that you won't even bend down to look at me unless the sun shines light on this PERFECT ANGLE that allows me to shimmer or when you need me because something is stuck in your shoe. SORRY THAT I'M NOT ALL THAT PERFECT! I'm not diamond nor cystal, gold nor silver.

Just someone who's just around when you need it and disappears when u don't since I'm thrown right back onto the pile of other stones, blended and vanished.

You're right, as u think u are.

I'm not one to tamper with your answers or decision, I don't have the rights to.

Yet i will give an advice, which you will definately forget after 1 hour after closing this page, sadly. Think back how many times you've aquired something from a source, think back where did the source come from. For once, just ask yourself, your answers to your life, to yourself as you are now.

'Are you thankful to be you?'

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

One of Mewsh fav illustrators!!

I love otter


Just like Mewsh!



maybe not so.....

Monday, September 21, 2009

Kitty delusions....

Once upon a time, There was a man who dreamt that he was a butterfly, fluttering higher and higher, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. He was conscious only of his happiness as a butterfly, unaware of who he originally was. Soon he awaked, and there he was, veritably himself again. Now he do not know whether he was then a man dreaming he was a butterfly, or whether he is now a butterfly, dreaming he is a man.

That's kinda how i feel about life. Whether I'm dreaming or not, this instant. My existance seems so vague, I question myself, if life do exist.

It seems I'm left with December 21, 2012 to decide my fate.

If I'm am dreaming now. I hope...I'll never wake up.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Mew's Mayan's Divination

I ish Lizard nyaaaa!! Oh mais.....actually quite true also
though dun really now what it means

born July 14, 1990
DAY-SIGN: 11-Lizard (Maya: 11-Kan)
YEAR: West -5 (Tikal System)
13-DAY PERIOD: 1-Ocelot (Maya: 1-Ix)
NIGHT LORD: 3
VENUS PHASE: Morning Star




The Day-Sign of Your Birth
Lizard: You are a true individual. You compromise only under extreme pressure, and then resent it if you have to. You often attract attention by being different, but this action often meets your "performance needs." More often, you are simply too involved in your own interests to even care what other people think about you.

Because you have a strong desire to appear before the public in some way, it is highly likely that you do work that is creative or performance oriented, and you are probably very competent, possibly outstanding, at what you do. Your standards are always high and you are probably an influential force in your world. You have natural leadership instincts and are not hesitant to take charge of situations when necessary. Others respect your competence and will follow your lead.

You do not tolerate superficiality. You take your interests very seriously, these often being "heavy" subjects like science, philosophy, religion and metaphysics. You are a powerful thinker and you are not easily swayed by argument. It is this mental determination that allows you to accomplish as much as you do. Down deep, you are very serious about your life.

In relationship matters, sexuality is a major issue for you. You are probably a highly sexed individual who needs to have an outlet for all that primal energy roaring within you. Many Lizard personalities channel this energy into work, music, ritual or other rhythmic and artistic projects. You may need to find a balance between overt sexual aggressiveness, which can lead to unstable and controversial relationship patterns, and sexual repression, which can cause just as much damage.

Like lizards, which perch on rocks or branches waiting for their meals to come to them, you may often appear on the surface to be lazy. But in reality, you are a passive stalker who works in full public view. You are quick to react to opportunities and make contacts with the right people and this allows you to move upward socially without offending many people.

Your Deeper Self -- The 13-Day Week of Your Birth
This is the eleventh day of the 13-day period beginning with 1-Ocelot. Beneath your surface personality you are an explorer of the human condition, a communicator, and a person who struggles with self-control. Critical events, such as deaths or other powerful transformations, have caused you to turn inward and keep much to yourself. You should be realistic about responsibilities because you tend to either shirk them or take on too many. Personal success comes through expressing your creativity through ideas. You would do well as a teacher, writer or communicator of some kind. You are also something a reformer -- a carrier of radical ideas

I wonder if time will really stop at Dec 21, 2012, of ish just the Mayans people just didn't know or do the following years...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Monday, September 7, 2009

Locked and bored kitty.


It's been around 3 weeks since i last stepped out this house (Plus the fact that not even stepping out into the yard), has been killing me throughly inside. Looking at the pulled down curtains made me feel that kind of enclosure more.

How long since i last look up at the sky?

My life these few days only revolve around this room and phonecalls to Leon, which he always seemed to have not enough time for me. I agree, I'm pathetic.

Games never seemed to interest me long enough, since I get bored easily. My lack of presence made me feel invisible. But i guess it's a better way. No one will bother me, no one will tell me anything bad, no one will care if i suddenly begin to rot here and die.

Thinking about so many things lately, while locking myself in here. Most of them made me cry. I was crying so hard almost everyday, since i practically have nothing to do. But crying till i got sick is bad. I actually got headache one night and threw up till day time. I wonder what was left of my maggi supper after flushing them all down the toilet.

Well, actually, I didn't care to smile at all. Thinking back to things I've done wrong.

There's so many thing. Many are caused by my own stupidity. Like lying to my ex, even when we broke up. And getting guided away by strangers, gotten into many dangerous situation like that even though I'm not a kid anymore. (Have to run away everytime, but thank god i can run fast!) What else....Hmmm....yeah, not forgetting, those unforgettable scenes where i was trying to kill myself. I've tried cutting, hanging, and well...i almost jumped off the balcony as well.

Thinking back, everything to now. I'm still living thanks to my friends. (Not saying family, as they are the TOP OF THE LIST of: 'Why i need to kill myself' list.)

Well, there's still a lot of times, people just get mad at me and tell me reasons i don't see how i can comprehend. Like you know what my parents hate me for? My mother said that I'm hateable because i act 'mysteriously'. I don't see how I'm doing that. I just quiet most of the time and do things on my own. And KC got angry with me just because I got on the bus before she did. First and Foremost, she didn't tell me to wait or anything. Secondly, she ignored me when i was apologising. I dun see the point why she does it and I'M ALREADY APOLOGISING, what does she want? And then people always tell me to stop crying and stuff. I don't seen why they just don't let me finish, since I will automatically calm down later. Like, I don't eat when I get upset. What they tell me are, if i don't eat they'll ignore me. Well, ya....go ahead. I don't really care. Since i already feel this very big gap wth people who ever used that to threaten me.

Yeah, I take stuff pretty seriously, especially when people use that. I've cried so many times, because i 'break the rule' so thinking that people will ignore me forever. In the end, seeing them laughing at me because I take it seriously and that it is not threatening. Ok, now I'm the laughing stock. I'm a laughing stock because i thought him/her is going to ignore me forever.

Tell me if i make sense.

I really don't know what the hell is in these humans' heads lately. Holidays are probably screwing mine it seems.

gawd...

I need a hug.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Hatred, Fear, Confusion, Denial...

I wonder if it's too much for him....if there's a way to talk without him getting upset n all...

I wonder if it's my fault....

I wonder....

.....

Monday, August 10, 2009

9.8.2009 - R.I.P Jasmine You

R.I.P Jasmine You.
May You have Peace and Nirvana.

for jasmine
Thank you for your contributions and affections in life and may you be remembered forever in the hearts of people who loves you.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Mewsh ish 19 now!!

I wouldn't say it's a happy birthday or a bad one, since it consists a balance of both. But sadly, end of the day, i still ended up frowning.

Today morning started out fine, as usual, just that it's my birthday, plus I'm unwell with bad tummy aches for the whole day. As you all might or might not know, I hate Birthdays, especially mine. Since I had cried (In of a negative event) at every birthdays since a very young age that i was all set in mind thinking that i was born on an unlucky day.

I didn't mind people not knowing my birthday. It's normal, Since I'm not born on some festival or any day important. And Honestly speaking, though i talk a lot, I don't talk about generally myself, right? ^-^
It's not that i have any kind of secrets, I just don't talk about it, since it doesn't cross my mind when i talk. lols

Oh wells.

The day started with me staring at the skies while waiting for leon. (extremely hungry)

(took a pic of the skies, pretty right??) XDD

After that leon brought me to noms mac then to school where i recieved my first birthday wish from Mandl!! XDDD

SK totally forgottened about it, until i tried to re-run the sequence when we talked about my birthday last week. lols

Then after that Me and Kach and Daniel and SK went for noms togather!! I hash Banana milkshake!!

Arranged: Onion's, Mine's, Kaiting's, Kach's

Then went back to class to do stuff of course. <--GCK But i kinda got moody a bit later since something struck, so headed off for an hour to cry it all out myself before going back it a semi-calm mood. I Took some pics of the scenery there after i calmed down, nice yeah? But i won't say where, that's my lil' secret spot. I called leon, he heard me crying, he knows I'm moodly, tried to calm me down and headed over after that to gives me a little private party with my friends.


(leon got strawberry cake!! ISH VERY DELICIOUS!! XDDD but someparts got 'poisoned by candle wax, lols~)

(but it so appears that it kinda phailed, since he was solely doing everything and fails in getting everyone's attention on him whn he asked if the cake's nice)

Not much presies, only boots from kach and Little pink dolphin pluishie from leon. But i ish contented.


Cute, right~?!!

Then we went back to woodlands for a little stroll around and took some neoprints. After that had gundam talk and have some private time talking and fondling with each other *hearts* XDD I loves and thankies him for today lots lots!!

Then i go back to the bus station again and went home snuggling my dolphin from leon~

Mewsh ish have 2nd cake at home. A forced one by father. Kinda quarrelled with him about it, since he talked in a way that i should bow down to him or something since MY MOTHER bought it for me. I don't even care if he says he buy bread for me on my birthday as he said, i won't even eat it.

sheesh.



(2nd cake: white chocolate cake )

Then i went back to bed crying and my day ended like that...wow.....theend...zzz

Sunday, July 12, 2009

after thought of Cosfest 2009 - TOTAL PHAILUREEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...mew!

:Morning:

went to Leon's house to dress up, i wore Kach's pink Yukata and it totally shocked Leon and he said i looked very stunningly beautiful and feminine. i ish so happy XDDDD

he snapped a pic of me before going out while i was lawl-ings at Word world on TV. (His sister was watching it until it turned into Harry Potter)


I helped him do makeup and make his hair nice nice, even helped him pick out his clothes from his closet. Surprisingly, he does has nice clothes but doesn't wear it.

i took his pic at lunch, Uber handsome XDDDDDDDDDDDD *swoons*


We went out only at noon, we went to timezone first and the staff there din recognize him until he talked to them. PHHHhhHHAhHHAHhahahaaaa......and then i talked to them for a bit while leon deal with his work stuff, they all agreed with me, he looked uber good looking like this~ A bit unlike him, but yeah, it's good~

Then we got on train with ppl keep staring at me!! *shy*

:Afternoon at Cosfest:

I can't believe what we're put up with here. Boxes that call themselves gundams, kamen riders with giant head, Odex jokers, Burgerking Sephiroth, Crossdressers with very phail face n no make up, oversized red gundam that i dun even want to mention which and Mask rider kabuto unbishi-fied.

Oh mais....my heart. URG

Honestly to say, it's quite boring there.

But thank god i have my friends there to play with and kinda have some time with Leon, so i won't complain too much about it.

lunch is ok~

And Hentai talked about his PSP having 2 girl ghosts now...Oh wow? (there in this pic ish Hentai's PSP) Honestly, i dun believe in it, since he no proven me anything about it or his ability to see things.

But we left around 4 plus, which ish good, since it's unbearably bored there and i dun even bother to take any pics...really....not much good cosing there.

:evening:

Went to Zi Han house to rant a bit about cosplay. Surprisingly, no one was surprised by his attire and makeup here and said he totally deserved it. wow? lols

But they kinda expected me to be stared at during the whole journey. wow? lols

Yeah, it still looks pretty 'Leon' and i only emphasized that point in him to make him a lot lot more cooler

Changed to Leon's jacket at Zi han room with them, only Zhi han was damned suprised. Sam (his sis) lol-ed at him. i was only wearing a binder and shorts inside, wow? sexy...??
HAhhaaa

But leon think ish damned obsence since, his shirt was so long, that it completely covered my shorts. Oh mais....the wrongness.

Then after playing Kamen Rider Kabuto PS2 and got OSU, we went back to leon house. Finally some peace and quiet as i change back to my own clothes and pack up. Then he accompanied me to the bus station and leaves after the bus comes.

then while waiting for my father when i reached my stop, i took a pic of the floor.

at least i know this is much more facinating than cosfest today.

then after i reached home n dieded, so zzz-ed.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sick kitty

Well, these few days can really feel my body phailing so much it's scary. I'm getting thin, this i know, since my bones are starting to petrude out and it aches sometimes when i wake up since i can feel like the muscles stretching around there. My tummy gets cramps and then i feels tired like almost all the time. (hopefully this is just because i lack of sleep)

i've got fainting spells again recently, and i shall assume that's not good at all? Ah well, what else can i do?

I get weird appetite, sometimes hungry that i eat 2,3 times my normal amount, sometimes bloated and no feel like eating. Plus there's this sorethroat going on for months and refuses to go away.

ahhhhh~
*crash*

And i ish thinking of stuff lately, so a bit down. *sigh* what the hell ish wrong with me??

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Kitty went Saloon and got haircut >.<

One of the days that i wake up in proper waking time, and went to the saloon.
But sadly, It was ruined...(especially my fringe) I feel so sadden.
It's cut too short and now poor kitty have to wait for months for it to row back to it's original length...

WHY DID I LET HER TOUCH MY FRINGE!!!!! TOT <-- Only let her did that because i lost my scissors

so howwwwwww.....??!!
I want my long long fringe backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!



SOMEONE GET ME CLIPPERS, EXTENSIONS, ANYTHING!!!!!B "O_Q"
WAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Lonely, lil' scardy cat

Leon's gone to genting and i have a feeling i can't see him till tuesday. Not only that I'm lonely and scared, I'm extremely scared. Honestly to say, i don't like genting. It's like totally, haunted. That cursed place had brought many bad memories and experiences since childhood. Don't know if he'll see or feel anything weird like i did when i was there...Plus...the staff there (some of them) are not very nice and i don't like KL people. Well, generally, i don't like malaysia people. (not including me of course) let's see.....obnoxious, don't know how to apologies and very 'KAY-POH'(Busybody). *sigh* I just hope he's fine and having a nice time while on holiday.

he convinced me that he will be fine by making me cry saying "not like I'm going to die there or something", buying pudding and kitty. Well....I ISH STILL SCAREDDDDDDDDDDDDddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd....

i feels helpless n scared. >o< <--very phail mao.

Leon tells SK to take care of his kitty while he's away, so ya....i have whole company of friends taking care of this 'poor kitty'. I had fun, less lonely. BUT I STILL MISS HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! TOT
FASTER COME BACKKKKKkkkkkkk!!

Now anyways, i ish thinking about my birthday and christmas...i wonder where he's bringing me (since he forever so secretive of it)....hmmm.....and when's the chalet for EOY....

*mew mew mew mew mew mew mew*

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Got two cows [lil' kitty jokes]

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch..


A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them..
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.


A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0..60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.


And last but not least,

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Kitty no longer believes of hope and truth...

Recently i realized of the fact that I sometimes, i can be quite an annoyance, while trying to 'be myself'.
I've been compared, criticized, disliked, disgusted and hated by people i love. So i wonder at times, If i should even 'be myself'. When people don't like me that way, and that if i 'change' myself, would that still be me, or somebody else?

I was told by a person many times, like this.
"So what if you can draw or that if you looked all pretty? You're just so rotten inside."
I don't have to state who, but you'll probably guessed, if you're someone who knows me well. (i hate him as hell.)

I don't get it. But it simply killed my pride, again and again, until i have nothing left to stand for. Left with only that empty shell, that tries to ignore those words again and again in failure.

It's contradicting, of whatever people tell me, and what ever my family tells me. just too confusing for me to comprehend. I'm just 'stupid' u know?

Leon cried because of that.
I once dazed out while being depressed and shot him with questions. (sadly to say, i was pretty calm that time, it shocked him.) Questions of 'If I am loved at all?', 'If i am hated?', 'Why does he tells me that, trying the whole time to convince me that I'm just rotten dirty slut and not even worthy to live in HIS house?'.

That's not my home you know? That room decorated with red roses n webs, posters, endless mangas, novels and dolls. The smell of lavender and scents of floral perfume with a tinge of green tea smell from the bathroom...

That does not belong to me.

That's what he tells me. I don't belong there at all.

I was known lately that even his wife and daughter are playing mind games with me. Secretly saying (in obvious tones), that I'm a slut, a liar and an outcast. I'm not just saying this... and i don't need to elaborate now, but...you probably already know how...

So what i have a lover? So what if I'm too smart for my own good? So what if I'm quiet and an introvert? So what if i love to bleed and hurt myself to find redemption?
I never did anything to bother them at all.

I'm just tired.

Tired of standing up, and in need of peace.
No more doubts,
no more arguments,
no more hatred,

Well, I wonder if that's possible.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Kitty ish betrayed by dentist... T-T

He said it won't fall out for 2 years at least, but it only have been for like 2 months, and the tooth filling for ROOT CANAL treatment fell out. OMG...Nuuu...no want go through the 4 days pain n torture again T-T...

why...it ...fell...out....*sobs*

*emo somewhere*

Damned you Mr. Dentist.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Kitty's scribbles~



Ish sakuran princedom vr. of Yuki. I ish beast summoner~

Ish~ Bun bun n Pumkin~!!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Gackpoid - Dancing☆Samurai [MMD PV]



Ish Gackt's Vocaloid!!
The dancing Samurai!! With the other vocaloids of course!!
So cute~!! XDDDDD

Though is bad animation, in 3d sense. (It's animated kinda in a 2d way~) But it does not seem out of place though...
Hmmm....because they are vocaloids??
But cool~!!!

メス豚こきょう曲 (moe vr.) Krauzerタン .feat <3

Flowers in Kitty's bed~!!

Have u ever feel that long lasting tingling feeling, just by cuddling together with someone you love from deep now inside your heart?

Well, I felt that last night. That long lasting feeling that burnt a mark in my heart. Something had always longed from him...It's something we hadn't been doing in a long time...that timeless, calm feeling of just being loved and doted. The last time we had time like this was like back in december, the second day we're together...well until he....=_="
ok...I shall no run through the eeky stuff...

*skips through*

okok...
So....Just to say it's a very sweet and nice feeling.
Just lying now and cuddling in his arms while listening to corny cheezy love songs, that I'll never much listen to. But at that moment, it felt so beautiful and sweet and it reflects those eyes that were looking down at me, with that very gentle loving expression~ Then hugging me tight when i was snuggling in his arms.

The beautiful night were slightly spoilt by the skaters beside us though...but to me, those are insignificant as compared to this beautiful expression he had for me...that i can still remember it now the cold night which his warmth emitting and warming me up with a slight smile that it makes me feel all tinglish~
Hehehee...

Hopes we haves more of these little moments, instead of little disagreements that gets us apart.
^w^

Canz we please?? Leon sama~<3
(lawls~)

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Kitty's totally crushed...again...

If I'm so hate-able, why does no one ever tells me why? If you hate someone, will you tell them??

Being at this fucked up house is bad enough, keeping me 24/7 depressed and bringing me to the point that I'm always toying with my life, doing things I don't do normally. like, would u just hang yourself for nothing and wait, until u lose you breath and eventually struggles, that you finally let go? And would u just cut yourself so deep to see neverending flowing blood and wait till it stopped dripping that you go and wash it off and put on concealer, so no one will see it (especially people that worry about u)?

That happens to me, millions of time.

Things that just happens too much and too fast that eventually, I don't even know if I should cry at all. Since, probably I'm seasoned to it.

Everytime...erm well, sometimes...I called up Leon, just for help. Just emotional help, that hoping, he could just say something to make me forget or calm me down...Well....Just ends up with me crying and losing my voice all at once that make me realise...I can't even ask him or call him for help...

I cannot even save myself either...I don't have enough will to. Like as if, I meant for this to happen and eventually kill myself with it...for a long long time....it makes me wonder, if i ever longed for freedom and happiness at all. I'm always in this spiral that ends up only darker and darker when I realise how helpless i am and how much I just wish i could wash it all and ends all this with just a knife through my neck.

And and...

I don't know why adults don't like me of, even for people i love...it eventually happens to the point thay start hating me for no particular reason at all...and guess what, they refuse to tell me in person either.

Sometimes i wonder, what the hell i did and ponder so much that i get emo and stuff when i get confused. Because...I really wanted to correct whatever that is wrong with me.

But You know, sometimes things can't be helped.

My background is messy, my past is ruined and damned obvious that people just assumed that I will become someone that meant harm to others. Even for Leon's mother...She's someone I respected. I love her, for the care and concern she gave to me even though I'm much of a stranger to her. But soon when she suspects of me having depression, she told Leon to break up with me because she knew i called me (once) and started crying and that i can't talk. Leon didn't defended that, he just kept quiet about it and now hides from his mother the fact that we're still together.

My Mother always tells me that she will talk to me when i need help. But always, this happens when i talk and wants to just start a simple conversation with her. She will say that I'm just someone who has too much secret 'fullstop' and will not talk to me.

what the hell?!

She can talk to my sisters, about anything, like friends. Why not me?

My siblings always picked on me and bullied me, no one ever stands up for me. Even when i finally gets pissed what ever my prents will tell me is 'Why are u scolding them? They're still young, they're like this because of you. You set example to them, so they learn from you! And because they young, u bully them is you wrong! If they are your superior, you talk to them like this, you get fired!! You think you are very smart?? Then leave the house, don't live in the house if you don't do what i say!!"

what...just happened...actually?
I no longer know.

What did i do?

I don't even have the rights to defend myself anymore...

I rather just hide myself in the room, after that. Since i don't have the rights to say anything, since I am wrong?

I tell anyone about this, first, they think i like to whine and complain or either they think I am an abused child or that i have nothing better to do then just blame my parents because they scold me.

*sigh*

And more

I no longer understand. What Leon meant by he love me and will save me. That He will give and replace the love that my family and my ex can't give me.

Whatever he is saying...I doubted.
Not only once.

So I now knew...If i ever need for help when i depressed or sick. Do not call him unless I'm seating at an edge of a building or just happened in accident in critical condition in hospital, cause' i know...he will not come, yet just find me being nonsensical unless it's an emergency like me going to die within seconds.

I no longer understand. Whatever the importance of life is.
When ever i tell someone that, I realise...They not seemed to understand much and cared at all. I've heard too much of 'You can do this'. 'please don't cry' and 'I'm so sorry'....etc

The truth it, I can't.

whatever the 'I can help u' appeared to me as lies.
Since i have yet to see much prove at all...

'I will be with u all the way, call me and I'll do anything to help u...'
No one ever speaks the truth and that responsibility of these words are always gone whenever i gets serious about it.

If I'm as naive as a child that people decieve me, then that is just too much!
Too much for me to handle and say 'It's ok, I dont mind', when i know that those lies that they gave me really got me so upset. I'm a serious person, I know. I get too serious in promises and things that people tell me.

Leon tells me 'not all promises can be fulfill'.

But...Don't him not understand that how serious i treat this and makes sure that all my promises and that his promises to me can be fulfill?? That i slave myself and worked so hard and rush them for just that bit of time, that i wish to just be with him, just for a little bit. That i force myself to do things, so he can say i did a good job and I'm a good girl. I wanted to be perfect in everyway especially for him.

I just...

I don't know...too confusing...every of this.
I don't want to blame people for my depression either.

If I'm in just wrong, someone explain it to me please.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Mewsh for me!

I should play more and slack more i guess. Keeping all coopped up is tha probably the reason why i am feeling depressed and suicidal and more sorts.

I got to meet the bakas again yesterday and really. I was happy the whole day and had a lot of fun, though my feet were killing me. (Stupid high heels, i should have brought my slippers with me....left it at leon's place)And I had a few new friends from kuro bara~ That's good right?? hehe!!

XDDDDDDD

Ok, A bit too high now because of coffee x coke.
lawls..

working this week was kinda....slacky...
always, trying to slack off by reading manga.
But oh well, i do still work really hard, so trying to play as hard. lols

thinking of composing new songs lately....hmmm....hope i have time...
cause' i really have some good tunes in my head!!
XDDDDDDDDDDd maybe i should get a cable and a guitar to play~

hehe~

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Kitty's loves living with her Puddings~

Stayed over at Leon's place last night.
Cause' I don't want to go home to see mw worse nightmares and depression roaming into my brains to kill cells that i need to work and ecchi-fied Leon LAWLS. Ya, so i kinda...erm...ran away from home for the day?

We spend our night together having supper after i bathe, that i can't finish and had him eat my leftovers. Then chit chat. Then he watched me do homework. Then accompanied me back to bed.

Though can't sleep with him in the same room, less talk about same bed... (Future mother-in-law ground rules <-- She's a pretty nice person though, I likes her) But i did feel really happy and fortunate to have stayed with my Love overnight under one roof. I had goodnight kisses and morning kisses!! and huggles and smacks and LAWLS the whole morning. (Though last night i keep thinking ghosts will come in, since the door is open and it's dark everywhere... But but at least that lasted only half an hour or so, then i fell asleep.)

such a pity that i am going back to JB later today... >.<
NUUUuuuuuu.... Me no want sleep one, two hours per day... ToT
I die....

But oh well.

At least for one day, i felt like we're married couples.
HAHhahaa....
He made me noms noms, shoo me to go do my morning rituals, trying the wake the morning zombie, help me dig for things i want...etc...

it's pretty interesting.
especially when I'm not awake in the morning normally, since I have low bp and this affects the way i react in the morning...cause' blood flow is SLOWWWwww in the brains... until i can't think and goes zzz everywhere. But oh well, i took it pretty easily, since I'm used to it. Being gong gong all the time when i sick or waking up in morning.

But I'm sure that if we ever got married and have life like this.

We'll probably be late for work pretty frequently......  <-- Phail

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Kitty's Guilt...

Everytime i want something from Leon, especially i beg for him to give us some more time to be together...that uneasy face of him gets me guilty once he agreed to me...

Why do i have to do this all the time?

Don't we already have like the whole free time together, in the morning and after school/work? How can i treat him and torture him like that? making him in s pot. when he has no money and when he's not free? Why am i so stupid and stubborn?!!!!!!

I don't want him to worry, less wanting to get upset about these small matters and when i get upset...I DON'T WANT TO GET HIM SO UPSET ABOUT IT! less that i wanna get him involved, and over worried about my well being all the time.

I know i am weak and an idiot. But...

I dunno...just the urge to be independent again?
it's always a struggle.
am i too dependent on him?

i feel that I'm getting more and more weak mentally and physically.

Getting emotional all the time and a lot of breakdowns and crying.
I must be going nuts...

Sherwin said is seriously need some professional help.

Well....do i?

Today he overhead some shitty stuff on the phone...got really upset and concerned about my well being. I dunno how to talk to him about it. since...You know. it's my matter. He shouldn't be too involved in the first place.

oh well....now he msged. ask if i wanna run away from home.

he must be outta his mind.

I'll call him later and talk to him.
I don't want him to be so upset. especially when it's because of me.

Kitty's doted and in distress...

These few days went by so fast and soon it shall be last week of March and 1/3 of my IAP will be done soons. I missed my friends in school and back here in internet lala land~ I will call up people once in a while to talk. But... ^w^ I'm happy that they're doing good!

Reading accounts of ghost stories in SG, in a book lately and gets really papranoid about the paranomals....lols
I don't go public toilets, i never view at mirror unless it's broad daylight, and Don't go anywhere dark and cramp and creepy. LOLs
Won't even let go of Leon at night. Ah~ and gets very tensed up whenever i reached Newton Mrt stn....hues~ (read Russel Lee's book 3 of the singapore true ghost stories) Hehehes

Ah~ So much work lately...
stress and tired all the time.
no appitite and stuffs.

And Then my body is phailing lately...
I get gastric pains and dizzy fainting spells really easily. Not only because i skip meals, it's becaused I'm really stressed up. The tension in my body lasts a long time, only going off late at night that i can finally fall asleep. Not only pains and dizziness, my breathing had been deeply affected as well. hyperventilation, panic attacks..all kinds off shitty health problems dropping themselves on me. But oh well, I'm eating well lately thanks to Leon~ Who is main provider of my nom noms. lols

I missed Leon every now and then whenever I am alone. I must be really really obsessed with him or something, since i dream about him every weekend without fail.

But things happened.
Maybe i am doted too much, so things got a little way too out off hands with my bipolar disorder and autistic self all back to haunt me, Leon and many others around me. He lets me bite him and hit him...but it gives me really big guilt to do this. cause' I never wanted to hurt him, but my depression gave way and i did it. He didn't want me to hurt myself...so he kinda sacrificed himself for it.

This morning, he was already pretty concerned about those wounds which are gonna get really ugly scars on my arms. There's no way i can save them i guess...but i din' regret doing any all these shit to myself though. just guilt makes me very upset, like i have done something wrong and bad to Leon. Sometimes, i get irritated by him because of little stupid things (<-- I shouldn't be so petty, but i can't help it) that he didn't intend to do, and i gets cold and ignores him and sometimes, bite him.

I guess...whatever i am now is well...torturing him. I know it gets him really upset when I emo or do stupid things or when i treat him coldly.

Sometimes I get confused, kinda emotionless for no reason and i feels like breaking off my limps and hurt myself. then i would calm down for no reason, still being very confused.

I was like that on wednesday...I was in total confusion...started talking about people treating me in a very calm tone. I wasn't feeling upset at all. just being all numb and tired in my tone.

Leon cried.

He was crying for me.
He said i was in pain. And that well, i just didn't realise it...that how much pain i kept in myself.

Well...am i?

He refuses to give me a straight answer though...but nevermind. I guess, it's just something i cannot comprehend and understand. (=^w^=)"

But he cares a lot about me. I must be more 长进 so that he can be more proud of me!
YOSH! I shall be guai~

(cause' scared of ur punishment) lol
But ya...i try to be guai....

...a bit.

hehe.

Both our mothers found out our relationship i guess.

Leon's mom was too smart for him, so the answers were leaked.
She accepted me of course, but with gentle reminders for Leon to not end us up in a broken matrimony.
My mom...she had a stalker following me i guess, and totally disagree on the fact that i can love and thinks that I'm some kind of slut.

The first thing i hear from her when i reach home after a week was "Someone saw a guy being intimate with u in the train...you don't come back if anything happens...the guy will never take responsibility if i get pregnant..."...etc
what the hell?!!

Leon will never abandon me like that!

plus, so what if I'm being intimate with him? He's my one and only true boyfriend, i love him. AND I DON'T FLIRT AS MUCH AS SHE DID WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER DUH~! I don't need to be like her and get pregnant before marriage.

Though I'm dumb, I still know how to be careful and things like that and I KNOW for sure, Leon will take care of me no matter what. He's smart in these matters. (I only smart technically and acadamically)

Well, yeah.

I know I will find happiness and secure finally now.
I believe with this love we had for each other can pull us through anything, for us, each other.

^w^

Kitty will turn out to be the princess with happy ending with true love, right?

Tagged by Jovelle

you have been tagged in this, write the names down of the 21 people then answer the questions. Say you’re guessing if you don’t know, but at least guess on all of them. After doing this, tag your 21 friends to do the same:

List 21 random people:

1. Ken
2. Leon
3. Leonard
4. Adrian
5. Weipeng
6. Yoshi
7. Carl
8. Sky (Spikey pein)
9. Darryl (Jiraya)
10. Nick (Nicholas - Shino)
11. ita chan (fame - Itachi)
12. Ebi (blind Pein)
13. Rog
14. Renee
15. SK
16. KC
17. KT
18. Kai
19. Chibi Sai
20. Key
21. Taks


*How did you meet 7?
person.com

*What would you do if you had never met 15?
Then Tobi probably won't be a good boy and never had formed Akatsuki "O_Q" NUUUUuuuuu....

*What would you do if 20 and 1 dated?
HHAhahhahahahhaaa Key and Ken??? IMPOSSIBLE....but if it happens...i think it'll be wierd...>.< kenken will be 2-timing.lols

*Have you ever seen 17 cry?
no

*Would 3 and 6 make a good couple?
HAHhahaaaa......YAOI!!!!!

*Would 4 and 16 make a good couple?
no no no no no no no no no no no no NON ON ON ONONONONONONONONONONOO OOOOOOO........

*Describe 19:
short. looks like girl. gentle friendly nice reserved....short.

*Do you like 17?
YESHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

*Do you think 21 is attractive?
Oh yeah, he hash pretty legs!! Cheers for DADDY~

*What is 5’s favorite color?
he doesn't have any preference i think. it's probably black.

*When was the last time you talked to 9?
last week

*What language does 11 speak?
mandarin, english, Singlish...that's it

*Who is 13 going out with?
Nobody at the moment.

*What year is 16 born in?
1988

*What is 14’s favorite music?
Ticket outta loserville

*Would you ever date 7?
EEks...That'll be wrong.....he'll be a pedophile. >.<

*Would you ever date 3?
No, then I'll be a pedophile.

*Where does 18 live?
I dunno

*What is the best thing about 4?
He ish very caring n fun

*What would you like to tell 10 right now?
I WANT UR L4D INSTALLATION DISC NOW!!

*What is the best thing about 20?
She loves me a lot!

*Have you ever kissed 1?
No.

*What’s the best memory you have of 9?
HAhhahaa...our huggles~

*When’s the next time you’re going to see 4?
i dunno.

*Is 2 pretty?
OF COURSEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! *kisses my love*

*What was your first impression of 15?
SK: NO HUGS MEEEEEEeeeee.......*gets tickled* HAHahhahhahahHAHhahahaa...

*How did you meet 3?
Baka Ninja first meeting.

*Is 5 your best friend?
Hahhahaaa....if he wants to, WE CAN!

*Have you seen 18 in the last month?
HAhhaha yeah, and yesterday and the days before that and the day before and before and before...

*When was the last time you saw 16?
Yesterday

*Have you been to 21’s house?
Nope

*When’s the next time you’ll see 10?
I dunno for sure.

*Are you really close to 6?
Not really.

*Have you been to the movies with 4?
nope~

*Have you gotten in trouble with 8?
Nah~We're buddies~

*What did 12 write on your wall?
Nahhhhh he no facebook

*Would you give 19 a hug?
*HUGSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssssssssssssss* XDDDD

*When have you lied to 13 ?
sometimes....i have to do it. since he ish very funny to tease with. LOLS

*Do you know a secret about 11?
nope and dun wanna.

*Describe the relationship between 12 and 18.
they dunno each other.

*Has 1 met your mother?
no

YAY~ done, now ur turn.
(lazy to tag leh....since i tag in fb liaos...so i shall forgo this...)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Urg....Kitty gots nomed by life.

Don't really know what the hell is wrong with me until i got slapped in the face during jap class, by a newspaper article about women getting depression.

I probably knows about it. But well, never much cared since I don't think it's important. Well, until me tryng to jump off a railing last thursday caught my attention. mewshhhhh.....*sigh*...

Am i being too hard on myself lately i wonder.
Or is just lacking to sleep my problem, that i stopped trying to be kind to myself.
I don't know.

But either way...thank god i have Leon~

Else i had not lived till now.

爱是很伟大的!!
(=^w^=)

If you want to know what happen...read on...

What happened was, i was really stressed that day.
My arms filled with scratched and marks from days before and the current day, done by myself. (I'm pathetic i know and i look like I've been abused. My arms looks rotten and torn.) I got irritated and frustrated, and i kinda took it out on him, once he mentioned another girl's name, praising her and such. I hate that.

Then he ignored me for a bit. I was really hurt. Though i was still smiling and such, i was really scared that he'll get upset. About I'm scared that him getting angry it's an excuse. Not that I'm that afraid of him, but I'm more afraid that he'll hate me for that. Being so stupid and all.

I was really messed up. I refused to move, once i reached woodlands station. Refused to go anywhere and I'm left to sit down and refused to talk. I am really really feeling much frustration that I'm very destructive and refused to let Leon or anybody touch me. So leon really left me alone...for like an hour plus or 2. I was so scared. I cried...I tried to call people but many of them didn't answer until i reached ah boy. I seriously was thinking of suiciding; jumping off the railing in front of me. I was standing there and talking with ah boy until i got a bit irritated by the phone. So i sat down again and quickly call Leon before anything stupid happens to me.

He said he was near his house block...

I have nothing to say. Why is he so far away? (Leon told me on the phone today that he was intially near me, just across...but he kinda wondered off while talking on the phone with hentai) I dunno...that's probably a lie. But...It doesn'y make sense...if he were to be watching me why did he leave and didn't see me holding n pushing myself already half way off the railing trying to balance myself while making a choice to die or live.

but oh well.
I thought of him and our promises. so i decided to call him.

Then he came back.

i was literally shivering as i saw him approaching me. then he came around me and gave me a hug. I cried again.

I was hugging him so tight, tears was flowing out like a tap and me apologising unstop with my barely recognizable voice and volume. He tried to call my home, He was about to ask them if i could stay with him for tonight, since i not in the condition to go home, but my sisters hung his call. So he accompanied me to the interchange to see if there's still the last bus home. (Luckily there is and i went home)

But then again. I pondered.

Why didn't i kill myself that night and
why did i try to kill myself that night?

So again. Thank god for Leon, before i tried to do anything. You know...if that day, if Leon was angry or didn't answer...I would have jumped off for real. Thank you dar for loving me, and saving me. (=^w^=)

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Kitty Sees Pudding...

*random posts*
I SEES IT!!

*pounces*

OOPSS!! "O_O
It falls out of window...

"O_Q"