Wednesday, March 14, 2018


As much as i am left with...I just want to pull myself together to function as a person again. I started making myself do things that I stopped doing. Forcing myself to dress up, draw, smile and at breathe even though my nights are often filled with dreams that makes me break out in tears in the middle of the night till the morning.
One point. I lost weight. That may be a good or bad thing, I have decided to see it as a good one.
As much as i would loved to be preoccupied all the time in the day and shut off the pain for a bit, i am often left alone without even a shoulder to cry on. i find myself crying alone at night, for issues more than him. Ah...then i was because of him i was able to look away from my family problems and that part where my close friends are no more (since they were asking me for sex when i tell him i am suicidal). I am so tired, but...if i could be a happy person again...will someone be there for me? I dont know. I only know when i am down and needed someone, i am always left alone...
All those promises people have said have gone up in smoke, yet some unexpected people appeared to show their concern for me. As silly as it sounds, sometimes i just cant voice out my issues on my own as i feel like a burdern to people around me and i do have a selective few that i trust that i can actually say something to without the person spreading my issues into gossips or turn it into a over a dinner table topic.
I am trying to hold on for the few that are actually here for me, still trying to help me break the cycle of depression. I thank for your love and actual support for me each night i cried in pain. Thank you for being someone i can share both my smallest joy and the heaviest pain with during my sleepless nights.
For now I can't promise that I can be back to my happy and bubbly self. But at least i will keep my smile and armour; to protect myself from those who would take advantage of or hurt me when I am weak.
I will still try to not think about anything at all and I wish my nightmares would end soon...i do not want to know in this situation that i still miss/need him when he wont be there for me, yet I still wonder if he needs me too?

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Drained by Monsters

I suppose some people, as they grow, they just become a monster. Does kindness and sincerity always equates to people always taking you for granted?

It's such a funny term to be referring it to myself like "Oh, I have been taken for granted" by so and so because I really hate that victimization mentality and I am very prideful so I'd rather not see myself that way. But, curiously...did I also allowed someone to step over my head and like randomly out of nowhere decide and treat me like an roach as time go on?

I do realize I always end up being that part when people think they have better opportunity to life rather than to hang out with someone with the likes of me. Simple, little goals, sincerely just living my daily life and focusing on the people around me. YEAH PEOPLE AROUND ME, in which some of them just decide that I SHOULD be something else or somewhere else. Which makes me doubt, why they even decide to share a friendship with me anyway. This thing, this friendship, every relationship and bond that I really really put my heart to cherish...seems almost like nothing to these people. 有就有,没有就没有咯...that's how they probably feel about it, when to me the bonds I have with people are the world to me.

Not MONEY, INTERNET ,nor the FUCKING PHONE, NOR THIS STUPID DAMNED JOB, NOR MY "STATUS" IN LIFE, but you my friends, who I cherish and love outside my main family. I still love my family despite being hurt and how I feel about them.

But you...

Do you even CHERISH my existence enough to want me around, or it doesn't even matter if I am valuable or not, here or not, alive or dead.


That's what I thought.

Monday, January 15, 2018

For you.

As much as I would love everything to be a fairy tale, usually reality slaps me back right on the face.

Feeling the push itself, being pushed away...even though I try my best to me numb or ignorant to it, it hurts. The fear and insecurity is already enough to break me down inside, but I have decided to give it my all to keep smiling for you.

Don't take me wrong. I am happy.

I am happy with whatever this is now.

Loving in vain, with that thin thinnnnn shimmering thread of hope.

Just holding on to whatever this illusion is, to keep me keep me alive.

But at the same time I fear and dread that it would come to an end. I am fighting a losing battle for god's sake, but would it make a difference for us? For you? Because for me, even if is just living in that illusion...

Even for a short while, I am happy to feel that I could be yours.

Sunday, January 14, 2018


For that 1.5++ years. I didn't thought much, merely just live by life as it goes. Que Sera Sera huh...

As much as I have little crushes and short flings here and there. I didn't dream....mmm.....just couldn't....and of course fear to find myself another to love.

Despite all that, my heart still beats, I am just only hooman.

As much as I fear...I just couldn't stop looking at him, I couldn't stop myself from getting charmed, I couldn't do anything, neither can I pull myself away...

I find myself missing him when he is not around, smiling in the most silly way whenever I see his face, out of I think about him.

That confusing, that aching yet exhilarating rush of yearning and also heartache...for someone who...may not want me, may not see me the way I see him, may not...have me. All that and yet...I couldn't hold back my feelings for him.

What should I do...?